Colleague sends me an email.
What he writes: "Hi, please help with the below.
What I read: "Hey, you know how I consider you my little assistant monkey who does all my work for me? Well, this will take a great chunk of your day, have fun!"
What I think: "Hey dickhead, I'm fucking busy, don't you see the fucking red square next to my name? You wanna know why I'm busy? Didn't our boss tell you that I'm supposed to process this 42 page long list full of garbled names
F O R Y O U???? You know what I'm doing write now? I'm currently navigating through a website in FUCKING HEBREW because Google Translate is too fucking unreliable and while I can DECIPHER Hebrew script, note the emphasis on decipher, I can't actually read it, there is NO FUCKING WAY YOU CAN KNOW THIS, nor is there ANY FUCKING REASON WHY YOU SHOULD EXPECT THIS FROM ME, and don't even get me started on the FUCKING RIDICULOUS WAY YOU TRANSCRIBE CYRILLIC, WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO TRANSCRIBE IT BACK BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I NEED TO DO TO FIND YOUR STUPID RUSSIAN COMPANIES and I'm taking five minutes for EACH FUCKING LINE IN YOUR STUPID LIST and that's why I left at 20:00 last night and came to work at 7:30, not having had a break in 5 hours TO DO YOUR FUCKING JOB FOR YOU AND THE FUCKING DEADLINE IS TONIGHT AND NOW YOU'RE GIVING ME THIS SHIT WHICH YOU KNOW TAKES UP A LONG TIME BECAUSE THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SENDING IT TO ME YOU FUCKING DICK!"
What I almost write: "I'm sorry, but I'm currently busy working on the list our boss sent me the other day."
Why I don't write the above: "Let's not be passive aggressive, this won't help anyone."
What I write instead: "Sorry, I'm currently very busy, I couldn't get this done before this afternoon."
What he responds: "That's truly a shame, but OK, this afternoon will do."
What I want to do: Smash everything, set fire to the building ask North Korea to drop a bomb to my "team"'s office in Germany.
What I do instead: Continue working on high pressure.
What my colleague next to me says: "Please look at the emails you're getting."
What I say: "I'm really busy with this..."
What my colleague next to me says: "Emails have priority, this is always the case."