The Legend of the CHEESEVIVÖR - INCORRUPTIBLE BATTALION BATTLES 5&6 (Updated 06.12.20)


Carnal Agony - Night of the Werewolf
Another favourite topic in Cheese Metal, werewolves seem to be an obsession with Carnal Agony, a band subscribed to the heroic goal of merging Power and Thrash Metal. I'm particularly fond of the line, "My DNA/Leading me astray/Tonight you’ll be my prey".


Trick or Treat - Like Donald Duck
I realise it's a cop-out, but I can't find anything witty to say about this band that could add anything significant. The music really does all the talking here.

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Imperial Age - The Legacy of Atlantis
Russians singing about Atlantis, because why the fuck not. There is a certain Eurovision vibe to this song and music video, not that I would be able to tell you why. These musical visionaries also released an instrumental version of this album, in case there would be any reason why you would want to listen to such a thing.


Brocelian - Guardians of Brocéliande
Before you ask, no, this band isn't from France or a French-speaking country, and the legend of Brocéliande is not specifically French any more than that of King Arthur or the Holy Grail is. In other words, there is absolutely no reason why the chorus of this song would be in French. It just is.
 
Battle 1:

Carnal Agony surprised me at how good they are. The music really brought up imagery of medieval werewolves and the vocalist plus the lyrics made for the right amount of cheese. Trick-Or-Treat meanwhile... good god. I wouldn’t be surprised if they win this round, but I gotta give my vote to Carnal Agony for having a really well assembled entry. “Like Donald Duck” is just overpowering.

Battle 2:

I’ve heard that Imperial Age song before, and though I can barely make out any lyrics and thus also lose track of the structure, it’s such a masterful concoction of musical epicness. I got chills several times listening to it and I didn’t even know what I was listening to. Brocelian had a good entry, but just pale in comparison. Imperial Age all the way.
 
Carnal Agony are unexceptional but fun enough to listen to. Awful bellowed vocals and tacky lyrics, but passable and ticks a few cheese boxes. I had high hopes of Trick or Treat being hilarous, but they were very dull to listen to. It was like Kerrang TV-friendly California pop punk over a metal instrumental. No thank you sah. Carnal Agony it is.

I mentally groaned at the prospect of yet another Nightwish wannabe in Imperial Age, but they are amusingly earnest about their music, especially Geek Elrond. Having multiple singers made it surprisingly enjoyable. And ohmygod if Brocelian aren't also from the Tarjaelfmetal stable. Musically this felt a bit of a mess, despite le fromage of the chorus. Voting Imperial Age.
 
The Fireside Tale of the Inexpungible Battalion, Battles One and Two

Battle One
Decent cheese to start with, that little "yeah" is fun. Some fairly cheesy lyrics here. Now, this isn't your traditional power cheese, but that might be an advantage here, sometimes it's good to have a little different flavour. But you know, the chorus doesn't stand out too much. If there is one sin, one true sin, among cheesewarriörs, it is when they are pedestrian. Battle should be rushed towards and savoured. These guys have something, but they have to impress me with aggression. As for their foes, I will say sampling Donald Duck is a nice start. The music almost sounds like some punkish stuff I might have heard in high school, but the singer definitely has cheese quality. But while this song has tempo and the singer, what it doesn't have is the riff. What is better, a group of warriors trudging to battle slowly, likely to miss the fight? Or a bunch of unarmoured idiots running blindly into the middle of a glorious battle? This is a hard choice for all the wrong reasons. I'll give it to Carnal Agony.

Battle Two
Alright, Imperial Age is up first. Ohh, that keyboard on the intro is cheesy. They definitely draw you in by increasing the pitch slowly. A nice little lead guitar riff. This is promising. It takes a bold set of soldiers to look at Hallelujah choruses and go "no. What we need are Hallelujah verses." It's long, and if I have a critique, it's that it builds and builds but never seems to arrive. The musicians seem to believe in what they are doing, which is good. Warriors should believe in the cause. If they have the ability to reach a crescendo, they could be contenders. Brocelian are...uh. Well, they are something. Again, a slower pace that I think needs a kick in the butt, and the fairy singer is annoying, but the true cheese is in the misshapen rhymes in the lyrics. Still, I feel like Imperial Age has a certain je ne sais quois, and I hope their next effort is stronger.
 
LooseCannon said:
The Fireside Tale of the Inexpungible Battalion, Battles One and Two

Battle One
Decent cheese to start with, that little "yeah" is fun. Some fairly cheesy lyrics here. Now, this isn't your traditional power cheese, but that might be an advantage here, sometimes it's good to have a little different flavour. But you know, the chorus doesn't stand out too much. If there is one sin, one true sin, among cheesewarriörs, it is when they are pedestrian. Battle should be rushed towards and savoured. These guys have something, but they have to impress me with aggression. As for their foes, I will say sampling Donald Duck is a nice start. The music almost sounds like some punkish stuff I might have heard in high school, but the singer definitely has cheese quality. But while this song has tempo and the singer, what it doesn't have is the riff. What is better, a group of warriors trudging to battle slowly, likely to miss the fight? Or a bunch of unarmoured idiots running blindly into the middle of a glorious battle? This is a hard choice for all the wrong reasons. I'll give it to Carnal Agony.

Battle Two
Alright, Imperial Age is up first. Ohh, that keyboard on the intro is cheesy. They definitely draw you in by increasing the pitch slowly. A nice little lead guitar riff. This is promising. It takes a bold set of soldiers to look at Hallelujah choruses and go "no. What we need are Hallelujah verses." It's long, and if I have a critique, it's that it builds and builds but never seems to arrive. The musicians seem to believe in what they are doing, which is good. Warriors should believe in the cause. If they have the ability to reach a crescendo, they could be contenders. Brocelian are...uh. Well, they are something. Again, a slower pace that I think needs a kick in the butt, and the fairy singer is annoying, but the true cheese is in the misshapen rhymes in the lyrics. Still, I feel like Imperial Age has a certain je ne sais quois, and I hope their next effort is stronger.
Click to expand...
A perfect explanation.
 
Carnal Agony has to be a joke, right? I mean...that's the worst "metal" voice I've ever heard. It legitimately sounds like a comedy metal band. These lyrics...

It's a morbid fate
You came for a date
Now you're on my plate

...can't be serious. Right? RIGHT?! Please someone tell me they can't be serious.

The riff in Like Donald Duck actually sounds like a quacking duck. This shit is ludicrous. @Perun, massive cheers for this incredibly stupid battle! I'm voting for Carnal Agony because I think they actually might be serious, whereas I cannot for a single second believe that Trick Or Treat don't know what they're doing (despite being Italian).

Imperial Age...whoa buddy. Why do they have three singers? Why does the male singer look like a scared child who just got slapped on the wrist? Why is the keyboard so fucking loud?! This music is terribly cheesy and the vocals are atrociously mixed.

Brocelian is terribly written and recorded. It doesn't sound good at all. Certainly cheesy as hell, but I'm voting for the equally terrible Imperial Age because of the "production value" and at least I wouldn't mind looking at two of them again.
 
Carnal Agony puts me in mind of Lordi, but the execution is even better. ToT is ok, but can't compete.

Imperial Age wins the second match-up by not being a totally cluttered mess
 
MrKnickerbocker said:
Imperial Age .... at least I wouldn't mind looking at two of them again.
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That video is hilarious. The guitarist and the bassist make it for me with the bobbing from side-to-side as if they're the guys in Accept or Hammerfall, then windmill headbanging to a plodding, mid-tempo riff. The three singers singing in unison is so over the top and the man's vocals are hilarious. Spinal Tap will look on with envy.
 
Carnal Agony - I like that it doesn't go out of it's way to sound huge. The quieter parts are good light contrast to the more powerful chorus.

Trick or Treat - I heard this song some time ago, but in a different key and under a "pop" band. Not cheesy, just stupid and boring.


Imperial Age - really going with their fantasy, good video. My ears hath been blessed by thine unending vocal harmonies, Imperial Age. 6 fucking minutes.

Brocelian - traditional cheese, but it ends up losing it's way. I love the French bit but the whole lady of the lake part is off-putting.
 
Carnal Agony has terrible vocals. I mean, really, really terrible. Sounds like that poor fucker from Grave Digger trying to growl. Also, they have a song with even worse lyrics, looking forward to that one.

Trick Or Treat is pure unmatched Italian Cheese Metal. They used to be a Helloween tribute band and it shows. They are more pleasant to listen to compared to the awful attempt at growling that the other band has and they get my vote.

Imperial Age song lasted forever. Boring as fuck. Awful male vocals.

I can't take Brocelian seriously with that stupid name, but at least they aren't Imperial Age.
 

Wolfpakk - Lone Ranger
Pay some attention to the music videos, guys. I'm totally buying that they're in Monument Valley there and therefore have perfect understanding for their totally-not-awkward overreactive gesticulation. And you can almost overlook the weird rhythm fuckups in the instrumental section.


Deep Sun - Abandon Cyberspace
Oh crap, they're garnering my posts. I didn't notice. We delete our profiles, people.

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Beast in Black - Blind and Frozen
How about some random scenic pictures of Neuschwanstein castle at snowfall? Not that I get what that has to do with anything, but sure, it looks nice.


Wind Rose - To Erebor
Our dwarves are done digging holes and are now making their way to Erebor, wherever that may be. Oh, it's something from Tolkien, I just checked. Well then, on with you!
 
That Wolfpakk song is a rip off of some other song, I just can't figure out which one. Probably something by Priest.

Deep Sun is absolutely ridiculous...

Beast In Black is bad but super catchy. Kinda like a bit more metal Amaranthe.

Wind Rose's vocal lines are all over the place. I'd vote them over the bands in the first match, but not over BIB.
 
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