The Legend of the CHEESEVIVÖR - INCORRUPTIBLE BATTALION BATTLES 5&6 (Updated 06.12.20)


Amberian Dawn - Magic Forest
Another one of those bands that makes you ponder on when exactly metal stopped being about sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll and started to be about fairies, dwarves and elves.


Unicorn - One in a Million
And here's another one of those bands you would classify as "forgotten" if there would have ever been a chance that anybody ever knew them. As it is though, these unicorns are lost to the memory of space and time. I wonder why, I wonder why.

denix-Edward-Teach--Blackbeard---pirate-sabre--1680-1718--England-18th-C-.jpg



Axxis - Like a Sphinx
I'll just let the lyrics speak for themselves with this one...

Green horses on black rush
Are standing all around
White shadows of red clouds
Is all I dream about

Can see the trees are blue
Don't wanna see like you
Everything is clear - where is your fantasy?

Oh, I invite you to my wonderland
Where everything is posible all the time
I don't expect that you understand
But miracles can change your world like mine

I`m gonna live like a sphinx - spreading my wings - let miracles rain down on you
In the temple of dreams - the fantasy streams - break out of the circle of life

The flowers big like trees
Are feeding green red bees
A land where snow is pink
Here I can dream and think

All pictures of my life
Are painted in my mind
All colours that I see
They shine for you and me

Oh, I invite you to my wonderland
Where everything is posible all the time
I don't expect that you understand
But miracles can change your world like mine

I`m gonna live like a sphinx - spreading my wings...
Oh, I invite you to my wonderland
Where everything is posible all the time
I don't expect that you understand
But miracles can change your world like mine

I`m gonna live like a sphinx - spreading my wings...


Ye Banished Privateers - No Prey, No Pay
Oh hey, pirate metal! What an original approach, no idea where I might have heard that before. Actually, it's not really metal, but they're signed to Napalm Records, so I thought I'd give them a pass, if only for the sake of musical diversity.
 
Perun said:
Another one of those bands that makes you ponder on when exactly metal stopped being about sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll and started to be about fairies, dwarves and elves.
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Not sure on the exact date, but I'll bet Nightwish was involved. How about fairy, dwarf and elf sex and drugs? Has anyone tried that particular genre yet?

I'm starting to feel an 'oh god, what now' sensation whenever I see the Napalm Records logo appear at the start of a video. Amberian Dawn are definitely trying to be Nightwishy and end up more wishy washy than anything. Shame, because the music isn't terrible, it could just do with a different vocalist, and maybe different vocals. And different lyrics. Unicorn aren't much better. I'll grudgingly go with Amberian Dawn, mainly because I wasn't as bored as I was listening to Unicorn.

Axxis' singer sounds pissed. Does he have a lisp? Naff lyrics, but the chorus is at least memorable. Ye Banished Privateers were very silly in a Diggy Diggy Hole way, so I'm going for them, despite the sausage abuse.
 
The Epic Poem of the Unsinkable Battalion, Battles the First and the Second

The First Clash
Lovely cheese opening for Amberian Dawn. Ooh, unnecessary time change, awkwardly done. Excellent, excellent. The vocalist definitely thinks she is Tarja, but she clearly isn't. This is some lovely cheesy stuff, it's not quite heavy enough to be grade A cheese, but it's got a chance. The little middle bit with the tinkling and the ooh ooh oohs is nice. Again, this isn't heavy enough to go all the way, but it's a nice topper of mild cheese.

Unicorn has some good stuff in here. Cheesy lyrics, but I'm curious if this is heavy enough as well. Still, a point for a name. They are very peak 80s, it almost sounds like Unicorn could have ended up in the soundtrack of like the Transformers movies.

A little blander cheese here, but I, too, award this battle to the Amazons of Amberian Dawn, though in a close tilt.

The Second Skirmish
I wonder how much these guys want to be Helloween. Really cheesy chorus though, but the singer's vocal weapon does pale in comparison to others in this great war. I found myself nodding along to this particular set of warriors, though. As for Ye Banished Privateers, I say we banish them. Axxis.
 
Battle 1:

Amberian Dawn had an interesting song with some classic symphonic metal elements, but the vocalist is a bit underwhelming. Unicorn wasn’t exactly great, but I dug the melodies a lot, so they get my vote.

Battle 2:

Axxis really nail the “so bad they’re good” approach lyrically, and the song is a solid slab of metal with some decent melodies and a satisfactory, although I wish there was a bit more to the chorus. I was really looking forward to Ye Banished Privateers, but the vocalist can barely be heard and what you do hear from him can barely be understood, which is really disappointing, so I’ll have to go for Axxis in the end.
 
Amberian Dawn are trying so hard to be Nightwish but the songwriting is incredibly poor. The video clearly cost money, though, and it's polished. Unicorn is just kind of traditional cheese that isn't gripping in any way. Neither of these bands floor me, but I'll vote for Amberian Dawn.

Thank you, Axxis, for allowing us a glimpse into a world in which Geddy Lee tried to sing like Bruce Dickinson. This is pure, wonderful, ooey gooey cheese and I'm eating it up. The lyrics are so bad and yet delivered with so much gusto. An easy vote for Axxis. Ye Banished Privateers are committing to the visual theme a la Alestorm while ripping off sonically from Tom Waits. Honestly, I think Tom Waits is heavier than this.
 
First pairing was separated by almost nothing. Both songs had decent choruses let down by weaknesses elsewhere; Amberian Dawn sounds like something that was left off Dark Passion Play (so I'm a bit surprised they didn't get Diesel's support), and would've taken my vote had it note been for that songbird rubbish in the middle totally killing the momentum. As a result, Unicorn takes it by being entirely adequate.

Ye Banished Privateers had potential in the concept of actual ye-olde pirate tunes, but the execution lets them down. Axxis, meanwhile, ticks all the right 80's speed-cheese boxes. Time to break out the lasers . . .
 
Wogmidget said:
Amberian Dawn sounds like something that was left off Dark Passion Play (so I'm a bit surprised they didn't get Diesel's support)
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I actually got vibes of pre-Once era Nightwish. But yeah, just not as good as the real thing.
 
Bands from the first pairing are both really bad. C league Nightwish vs. C league Gamma Ray... CLGR had hilarious fake keyboards in the 2nd part of the song. C league Nightwish seems like a more serious band so I'm gonna vote for them.

Accept is already B league metal, which makes Axxis... D league metal. Absolutely ridiculous lyrics. I have no idea what that pirate band is supposed to be, if it's even music or a joke. So I'm gonna vote for D league Accept.
 
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