The Legend of the CHEESEVIVÖR - INCORRUPTIBLE BATTALION BATTLES 5&6 (Updated 06.12.20)

Battle 3:

“Lone Ranger! Master of disguise!
Lone Ranger! Was huntin’ bad guys!”

Those are so atrociously cheesy, holy shit. Not as good as the previous Wolfpakk song but Jesus, even cheesier. I’m sure I’ve heard the chorus before in a different song, but with different music backing it.

Okay but none of that matters because Deep Sun has this round in the bag. I’m a little sad that a band with as good a name as that is little more than a b-movie in the metal genre, as those lyrics are up there for the cheesiest we’ve had this far. Holy crap. The music is pretty good though, and there’s a pretty nice Nightwish vibe I got from it. But cheesy as shit, holy crap.

Battle 4:

“Blind And Frozen” is really just a pop tune masquerading as a metal song, but that’s hardly a bad thing cuz it kicks ass. The lyrics are very campy-we-broke-up-I’m-stupid, but the music and the singing makes it work. It’s just a fun song. I’ve heard it once before on a random YouTube metal binge and I still think it’s great.

I didn’t care about Wind Rose in the first round, and I give less of a shit about them now. Like NP said, the vocal lines are so all over the place I don’t even know what I’m listening to. Beast In Black.
 
I thought Wolfpakk's contribution was okay if accompanied by a slightly tacky video, and I'd listen again. But Deep Sun's is totally absurd. This is a stark warning to Nightwish to back away from being overly earnest about the human condition/technology etc and consider going back to singing about elves, hamsters and dentists.

Now, I really, really want to vote for the wee dwarfy guys, but I'm a bit entranced by the decidedly feminine voice of Beast in Black's singer. Then the chorus hits and it's trite and naff. Who knows, Neuschwanstein Metal could be the next big thing? I'm going to give Wind Rose the benefit of the doubt because they're adorably cheesy. They could just do with a more catchy chorus and lyrics it's possible to, you know, make out?
 
P4FZPW43JVA2HPW5BX5ON3QYBU.jpg


Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the second round of the Cheesevivör, Indestructible Battalion! We wish to thank our hosts at Maidenfans.com Arena and each and every one of you for coming to view today's battle. Today's bouts will be officiated by three time tournament host and Cheesemäster himself, @Perun!

Your judges in the event that all contenders complete all five rounds of battle - please give a warm round of applause for the Cheese Shop Owner from that Monty Python sketch, the mouse Monterey Jack from the tv show Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers, and Homer J. Simpson! Thank you, thank you.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. Our first match of the evening! Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the contenders. Introducing first, from Berlin, Germany, at the combined weight of sixteen wheels of Ilchester - Wolfpakk!
And in the opposing corner, from Olten, Switzerland, and led by the velveeta-laden vocals of Debora Lavagnolo, Deep Sun!

Let's get ready to baaaaaaaaattle!

----------------

Wolfpakk comes out swinging hard, lots of cheese to start here, including an incredibly fake either wolf howl or a wind howl. Good cheese leads to start. The verses are a little pedestrian, but the chorus is decently cheesy. I'm not entirely sure they understand the legend of the Lone Ranger, mind you, a subject I know entirely too much about. And only a reference to Tonto, too, which seems a bit of a tactical disadvantage, a verse about the faithful Native Person companion could have tilted this balance. It seems like Wolfpakk can't find that top cheese gear that the previous heavyweight contenders have had.

And here comes Deep Sun! You might remember in the previous round they suffered a devastating defeat against one of the tournament favourites. Again, the Swiss warriors have a strong intro, and hit that aggressive riff hard, like the ol' 1-2 combo. I think the subject matter here might be traversing a new boundary of cheese, telling nerds to stop reviewing things on the internet. I mean being on the internet. It's not a clear knockout, so we'll have to go to the judges on this one.

5-4
4-5
4-5
4-5
4-5

That's a win for Deep Sun! Congratulations to the Swiss warriors for earning their first victory!

----------------

And now, your final match of the evening, the headline event for the Indestructible Battalion. These two sets of warriors are both 1-0 in Cheesevivör battles and prepare to put their perfect records on the line tonight for your entertainment.

Introducing, in the Gouda Corner, from Helsinki, Finland, featuring the exiled guitarist of Battle Beast Anton Kabanen bringing his finest shreds of gorgonzola, Beast in Black!

Standing opposite in the Chedder corner, hailing from the depths of the Dwarven Kingdom of the Iron Mountains, which looks surprisingly like Pisa, Italy, weighing in at 57 stone, the great stout warriors of cheese, Wind Rose!

Let's get ready to baaaaaaaaattle!

----------------

Beast in Black launches out with a solid set of cheese jabs in the intro, and delivers a strong scream uppercut immediately after. The female-led vocals aren't inherently cheesy, a downside the band continues to battle through. Luckily, those male vocals in the chorus are powerfully cheesy. That's a strong flurry with the chorus, especially with the overjoyed keyboard dancing all over the rest of the audible range. I'd say we have maybe a little more lackluster verses, but the instrumental has a nicely blistering solo that again, comes close to traversing the boundary between cheese and just good. That seems to be a danger with some bands, but then they come in with that keyboard to remind you that they belong in this game. Unnecessary quiet verse is a nice classic cheese piece, as the music can come crashing in. This is a powerful set of blows.

Can Wind Rose equal the score? They sneak in some cheese fast and then swap out for some form of ocarina or flute, and then smash in with that heavy riffage. This singer can only work in the context of the band concept. This one's a slobberknocker, folks! The bridge has some strong cheese hits as well. Chorus-style singing works again in the concept of dwarvenness, but the screaming vocals are a little much, and go the wrong way on the cheese scale towards bad. Each time they fall down they rise up and deliver another feta-laden blow, but I don't think they can hold on, I think, yes, Beast in Black has landed a heavy blow! Wind Rose staggers, they're down, and the referee is calling this one for the Finns!

And that's all she wrote folks, thanks for tuning in tonight!
 
The first battle is indeed cheesy, with Deep Sun giving us such as lyrical gems as, "What you buy when you sleep" and "Time to plug OUT," while also creating a lyric video to share online in hopes of getting likes while telling everyone to go offline. Musically, however, they just sound like a mediocre Nightwish clone. Wolfpakk is ludicrously stupid on an entirely different level and the video seals the deal. The song is dumb, cheesy, and lame as hell without the video, but holy shit that awkward green screen is just lovely. Why does the rhythm guitarist/backup singer look so confused? Why does the band apparently have four lead singers (three of which just show up and disappear randomly throughout the video) when the first guy, let's call him Basement Dweller Russell Allen, is certainly capable of cheesing it up? Easy vote here.

I legitimately think that Beast in Black song fucking rules. Sure, it's cheesy, but it's catchy as hell, fun as hell, and that singer is insanely talented. I want to vote for them because I want to hear more, but fuck that, I'll just go look them up. I actually think they are too good and not cheesy enough for this game. Wind Rose, on the other hand, continues to wave the shit out of their cheese flag. Those costumes are so silly, yet earnest, they sing like dwarves and the lead singer is truly dedicated with that hair cut. No doubt he manages a novelty toy and card game store somewhere in Italy. I also love that a video of a band playing in a white room required an upfront "Directed By" credit.
 
"Lone Ranger" has a lot going for it. The music is pretty good, the lyrics contain some incredibly cheesy lines ("hunting bad guys"?? Seriously?) and best of all, the video is just what I'd expect from Wolfpakk. The singer with the mic is really having the time of his life here... :) Overall this succeeds in every way "Falling" did, although this is far weaker.

"Abandon Cyberspace" is infinitely more tolerable than "Worship the Warship", so we have an actual battle at hand. Now let me tell you about this song, it feels like the music doesn't matter. It's not interesting, and really the only thing I care about is the lyrics, and my god are those lyrics are cheesy. I didn't actually believe "we delete our profiles" is a line in the song, I thought those were Perun's words.

Comparing the two songs, I think Wolfpakk has the upper hand for being so passionate, but Deep Sun's lyrics alone really, really give them a run for their money.


Beast in Black - the chorus should be the selling point here, but it just doesn't carry the energy I wish it would. The singer is at least one of the best actual singers here, and I think it takes a little from the cheese. Compare it to some of the vocals in the Wolfpakk song... Overall not very strong on the cheese side and truly banal.

Wind Rose - this one isn't spectacular either and I can't really comment on it... I'm voting for it just because of the eyah eyah oy in the chorus which I found kind of funny.
 

Blazon Stone - Bloody Gold
Bloody 'ell, mateys! Somebody bloody stole our bloody gold! Arr bloody arr!


Silver Bones - Black Bart
Blekk Bart's sin eet, Blekk Bart know, Blekk Bart's dunn eet, de Blekk Bart bloose!

british-p1796-light-cavalry-troopers-sabre-napoleonic-wars-issue_2.jpg



Lonewolf - Demon's Fire
While listening to this track, I unwittingly started to wonder what it would sound like if the cookie monster swallowed Chris Boltendahl, but that has nothing to do with the music, I assure you.


Skull & Bones (Naufragant) - The Chest of Billy Bones
I'm wondering, aren't pirates supposed to be non-conformist and free, libertarian individualists? So how come every pirate metal band looks the same, for heaven's sake...
 
Battle 3:

The intro to the Blazon Stone song was good but then it just become generic. Silver Bones ain’t great but they were a tad more interesting.

Battle 4:

Lonewolf is also just generic. Naufragant takes it for being stupid, having a pretty shit vocalist, and a drum sound worse than St Anger.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top