The Legend of the CHEESEVIVÖR - INCORRUPTIBLE BATTALION BATTLES 5&6 (Updated 06.12.20)


Imperial Age - Anthem of Valour
I think Imperial Age are trying to give us an idea of what it would look like if Nightwish and the Red Army Choir had a bastard love child that spent its youth playing World of Warcraft and Battlefront: Stalingrad. I'm in awe.


Trick or Treat - Evil Needs Candy Too
Italian Helloweensploitation complete with horribly misguided attempts at humour devoid of any semblance of wit. Whatever it is they're trying to do, I think it's lost in translation.

Sword_of_Stalingrad.jpg



Carnal Agony - Higher
I wonder if there are any clear criteria for when a love song is charming and when it's creepy. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for love songs, but when they come on an album with a graveyard on the cover I think it should be legitimate to raise some eyebrows.


Brocelian - Escape from Alcatraz (feat. Oliver Tim)
No, I don't know who Oliver Tim is, Metal Archives doesn't really help to clear things up, and I have no fucking clue why you'd think it is appropriate to have a symphonic track with Gregorian chants about Alcatraz of all things.
 
Symphonic metal can be good at times, but the guys of Imperial Age are way over the top. Trick Or Treat is indeed Helloween-inspired but with ridiculous lyrics.

Carnal Agony sounds like a poor man's Ghost. They aren't allowed to string Cardinal Copia's shoelaces. Brocelian starts Kamelot-ish and has some nice riffing. Although the symphonic parts seem out of place, they still get my vote but it was a choice between the plague and Covid-19.
 
Imperial Age is so fucking bad. Nightwish and the Red Army Choir bastard love child really is an appropriate description of them. I'll take Trick or Treat over them as they don't seem to take themselves so seriously.

Carnal Agony's song is catchier, but dear god... Brocelian's Alcatraz song is really something else...

No breaking out
No breaking out
No breaking out

Tough call but gonna go with the Bros.
 
Imperial Age at least had an over-the-top video to go with their shitty song, so I'll vote for them and Brocelian were more memorable than Carnal Agony.
 
LOL. Is that Geek Elrond trying out outsabaton Sabaton? This is cheese of the highest order with battle honours. Imperial Age by a mile. The comedy metal of Trick or Treat can't complete.

Carnal Agony's creepy romance thing would work better if their singer didn't sound like the average pub band singer. Powerwolf could carry it off. Perhaps literally. I don't remember Brocelian, or at least their production, sounding so amateurish lin previous rounds. Carnal Agony it is, then.
 
Let's start with Imperial Age. At least visually, these guys understand cheese. All the images of swords and that terrible, terrible uniform. Ooof, that opening vocal is bad/good. Why is there what looks like a modern soldier struggling when there is also swords? Ooooh. I thought these guys might be special. They get a bonus point for a cute af keyboardist, too. I will admit, fake Elrond now being a fake German general is a thing of beauty. The guy in the video is pulling blood out of his belly like it's stuff in his pockets, hilarious crap (emphasis on crap). VIOLIN SOLO. That was great. Trick or Treat have a nice cheesy riff to start, but I've heard it many times before. Now, the lyrics are terrible, but the vocalist is quite bad as well, so you lose some of that. Some OK hallelujah in the choruses, and some guy just yelling in the background. The last 30 seconds of build are pretty cheesy. Honestly, this is B grade cheese, but they're up against a solid A in Imperial Age.

Carnal Agony starts out with some pretty okay intro cheese, then settles into a groove that is fine. The singer is overmatched even at this sedate pace, and the music isn't cheesing it up to cover him. There's a little something here, but not much at all. A little hallelujah in the chorus isn't enough to make this feel too special. It's hardly metal, isn't it? You do want to sing "Higher" along with the band. Instrumental has a very similar sound, not a terribly complex solo, nor aggressive, it just is. I mean, I'll give this about a D+, the + just for the one word "Higher". Brocelian at least has the famous Oliver Tim on the track. Loving the computer-generated strings to start, and that "no breaking out" chant is fun. Why does Brocelian care about Alcatraz? This song has 152 views, which means if the 10ish voters in this watch it, we are officially 1/15th of Brocelian's fanbase. The strings in the song itself are off key and off beat, what the hell? They make some weird decisions. This could be C+ cheese, but it's gonna get a C from me for the weird string placement. Still, Brocelian over Carnal Agony, who is neither carnal nor inspires agony.
 
Imperial Age is still astounding terrible and ultimately gooey cheese. This guy has to be a trust fund kid. Trick or Treat just suck so bad.

Carnal Agony also suck, but they are at least better than the atrocious vocals and keyboards on the Brocelian song.
 
Trick or Treat - Imperial is just no fun by comparison

Carnal Agony was the better of two fairly uninspiring choices.
 
OK, fine, I’ll vote in this round of the Cheesevivör, but I don’t know if I’ll have the fortitude to do it regularly.

Maybe something’s wrong with me, but I non-ironically enjoy that Imperial Age song. It’s like a B-list fusion of Luca Turilli and Powerwolf with less interesting guitars. Metal needs more Red Army Choir, apparently. Meanwhile Trick Or Treat is very transparent about what they are — cut-rate Helloween. And boy, are those lyrics horrible. Gotta go with the finely aged cheese here vs. the Limburger. Winner: Imperial Age

Carnal Agony has a terrible singer and a band name that doesn’t fit their music at all, but the music is catchy in a processed pasteurized cheese food sort of way. Brocelian, on the other hand, is just awful. Winner: Carnal Agony
 
I've downloaded a couple of Imperial Age songs now, enjoying them a lot. It's really the videos that set this band off.
 
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Just found this wonderful video of Imperial Age attempting to be all epic playing in a really poky rock bar in Edinburgh and not looking like they're into it at all. Geek Elrond is bravely singing on despite nursing a broken arm - nothing more metal than a sling.

 
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