The Legend of the CHEESEVIVÖR - INCORRUPTIBLE BATTALION BATTLES 5&6 (Updated 06.12.20)

Midnight said:
Kryptos is just a little bit cheesier.
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Indiabias!

You have to respect Giuseppe Giuseppesson and his amici for their appreciation of the rich culture of Scandinavialand! Kryptos are too good to be here IMO. Elvenking get my vote.

Since Wind Rose failed to adequately follow up Diggy Diggy Hole with substantial cheese, I'm now putting my money on Brothers of Metal to win this survivor. Amazing mismatch of middle-of-the-road squeaky clean image and poppish credentials with metal intent. The videos are the icing on the (cheese)cake. I swear once again that this is a Eurovision wannabe group which has turned its hand to metal instead because it seemed like the natural/only thing to do in Sweden. I was tickled to find they have a song called Powersnake, too, although disappointingly, it's not a rip off of Powerslave.

I enjoyed Serious Black's last contribution to this survivor, but find I Seek No Other Life not very exceptional, and not actually terribly cheesy either.
 
An easy vote in the first match for Elvenking. They are cheesy and stupid, but sound good. Kryptos is too fucking boring for The Cheese Crown.

I shall forever wield my sword in the name of Brothers of Metal. They had me at the intro about goats (that are then never mentioned again). It's so dumb, so cheesy, but it still sounds good! Also, why is the guy at the end outside of a very obvious modern home? Why is he shot with an arrow? Serious Black is actual nonsense. It's so idiotic. These bands need translators in the studio before they record lyrics.
 
Elvenking is such soft cheese you can smear it on bread. Kryptos are goddamn awful. Brothers Of Metal disappointed me with this stupid song, Yggdrassil was best song of the first round. Urban Breed sounds much better on this Serious Black song.
 
Let's see what cheese is on offer.

Elvenking is pretty cheesy to start with. Good vocals, which is nice. I think good vocals sung in cheesy ways is key to a top cheese band. But like many bands in this Cheesevivör, they never seem to reach for the skies. Still, not bad. I think this Kryptos song is better than the previous one, and they definitely reach for it, but their overall skill level is closer. Kudos on Kryptos for having a stronger second effort! In the end, I'll give this to Kryptos. Elvenking kinda faded as I was listening, but Kryptos kept my attention the whole song.

Man, that Brothers of Metal song is terrible but awesome. This is contender level cheese! Wow, great stuff. I don't have anything more to say. Serious Black is quick and gets into it, and honestly, this act could be upper-mid level cheese, but they can't beat Brothers of Metal here.
 
The Elvenking song is a lot of fun and has a catchy chorus. As I mentioned in the previous round I enjoyed their latest album a fair but last year. Their image is ridiculous and doesn't fit the music at all. @Magnus would be offended, particularly with tomorrow's big event. Kryptos seem like they want to be a Thrash band but are too tame and boring for it. Not bad, but not as fun as Elvenking.

The video for the Brothers of Metal song made me laugh as soon as it started. Very silly and not actually bad either. Their most recent album actually has some really good songs on it. This Serious Black song just sounds like generic Power Metal. There's nothing memorable about it.
 
I'm torn, I must admit. Elvenking are extremely cheesy but in a bad, stinky, rotten way. Kryptos are nowhere near as cheesy, but I honestly enjoyed that song a lot. Cheesy horror or non-cheesy headbanging? I'll take the latter, thank you very much.

Serious Black in the second pair. Simple as that.
 
I'll leave this open till tomorrow in case any of you poseurs still want to take sides.
 
The first song in my Spotify Discover Weekly playlist is by Kryptos.

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Warlock - When East Meets West
When East meets West there's gonna be one hell of a mess! -- now here's a song that aged worse than Doro herself.


Thornbridge - Theatrical Masterpiece
These guys are quite confident in the assessment of their dramatic merits. But are they correct?

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Herman Frank - Ballhog Zone
Go ahead Herman, tell us all about how you feel about me. Don't hold back. (Yes, I know Herman isn't the singer, but this is all done in his name so I'd wager he approves of this message)


Velvet Viper - Confuse and Satisfy
This band and their chick version of zombie Blackie Lawless failed to impress last round, and something tells me they won't really be able to stand up for much longer. Also, do the album covers of these bands ever have anything to do with the music itself?
 
Warlock aren't easily outcheesed. Thornbridge manage it, although I have to admit the video helped, unspectactualrly blowing its low budget on a handful of candles

Not sure what's going on in Grand Theft Ballhog. I forgot all about old Aunt Joy and Velvet Viper, a band more confusing than satisfying, but those vocals definitely have more cheese factor than Herman Frank.
 
In my humble opinion, Cheesepetitors must create music that is both engaging and incredibly lame, while simultaneously transcending said lameness and thus crossing over into Cheesetasticism. Doro is not engaging and is merely lame. Thornbridge manages to just barely inch inside the Cheesetorium with their terrible lyrics, lead signer who I am convinced does not actually play guitar, and the Mortal Kombat riff they rip off right before the guitar solo.

Herman Frank's incredible atrocity towards English language lyrics is a mighty Cheesetender. It's the musical equivalent of a latter-era Dio song and Adrenaline Mob having a stillborn baby. Velvet Viper are not as cheesy when they aren't in video form. This song is just bad on all levels. Sad realization: Zombie Blackie Lawless kinda looks like Bruce Chickinson from The Iron Maidens...
 
Looks like massacres in this one, but I'll still give it a listen.

Some good ol' 80s rock to start for Warlock, and Doro is definitely got the power and range and dedication to be a cheese singer, but she is a hint too talented to be in the upper echelon. The best cheese singers reach just beyond their grasp. I don't want to say it's bad, because it's not. It's good classic hard rock/metal from the 80s, but is it cheese? It's cheese-adjacent, surely. Thornbridge starts out with that lovely cheese tone, drums good but not overwhelming, and a singer that is good, but clearly thinks he is better than he is. Excellent work here. I'm going with Thornbridge, who are turning into a cheese revelation.

Herman Frank is just pretty standard metal, it's cheesy in the 80s sense, like Doro and kin, but it's nothing special. However, Velvet Viper is so bad I wonder how they ever got any sort of record contract. The guitars on Velvet Viper are really in the cheese range, but man, that "vocalist". Am I allowed to make fun of these vocals without Maidenfans getting angry at me? They make the song unlistenable. Herman.
 
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