The Legend of the CHEESEVIVÖR - INCORRUPTIBLE BATTALION BATTLES 5&6 (Updated 06.12.20)


Gloryful - Hail to the King
I think that's George III whose portrait is briefly shown at the beginning of the video. No, the song does not have anything to do with him.


Running Wild - Chains and Leather
That time when everybody just took the outfit from a gay S&M scene and thought they were so awesome that they'd chant along to singalongs that would put Sesame Street to shame...

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Frozen Land - Unsung Heroes
Why, oh why isn't there a lyrics video to this? Most of you poseurs are going to miss the true genius of this if you're just going to listen to it casually without reading along. Where's the common man? In a pool of blood!


Rocka Rollas - Riding the Metal Storm
Because Running Wild have already ridden the storm, Manowar have already ridden whirlwinds of fire, so what is there left to ride? I'd be curious for a physicists (or meteorologists) explanation as to why a metal storm would be faster than sunlight.
 
The songs by Gloryful and Running Wild are really boring. I'll vote for Running Wild because they sing about chains, leather, satan and playing Metal - four Heavy Metal cliches right there.

Rocka Rollas are way more fun than Frozen Land.
 
Gloryful are a half decent band with some vocal styles and vocal melodies that fall embarrassingly short. I also can't work out what he's singing. I could have sworn I heard: "I define the burger tray." Running Wild get it for coming across as casually sleazy. Sleaze Cheese?

I have a soft spot for Rocka Rollas, but Frozen Land have the excessive drama, the awful lyrics, the cheery singalong chorus and the strong accent (Finnish, Google tells me) that makes for great cheese.
 
Gloryful's got pretty cheesy music, pretty cheesy lyrics, a singer who is probably not quite good enough (which is to say he's a degree too bad to be full cheese), but it's a really solid effort. The song definitely has a hook. Running Wild is a classic, of course. Great cheesy chorus on this one! However, the pace is a little pedestrian and I'm just not as happy listening to it, so I will vote Gloryful.

Frozen Land is definitely got cheese ,but it feels like a pale copy of previous good cheese. Nothing that made me slow down here, but it's appropriately terrible. Rocka Rolla is trying, but they just aren't there. Frozen Land.
 
Gloryful is alright as far as cheese smells, but Running Wild is like every terrible Judas Priest song from the 80s rolled into one with 75% worse production value.

Rocka Rolla continues to be unimpressive and Frozen Land win with no contest. Better name us fiends!
 

Axxis - Blood Angel
The first line: Oh I feel I'm sacrificed.


Unicorn - Avylonia (That's how the Story Began)
And another one where it's just worth reading the lyrics to. I like the completely unnecessary "life" in the middle, though.
There was a king
With his reign
There was a king
Once upon a time

A flourishing
Extensive plane
With in the middle a shining kingdom
Avylonia

One day the wicked wizard tried to get hold of the crown
When he was discovered by the king and exiled from the town
He gathered the evil forces, swore revenge and flogged on it his spells
That's how the dark time began

We are the prisoners
We are compelled to fight
We are the prisoners
We'll keep on defending our life
We are the prisoners
We are compelled to fight
We are the prisoners
We'll make it defending our life

There was the king
With his knights
There was the steel
Tied by their sides

The strongest will
To be in front line
Repel the darkness and respect the order
“catch the traitor!”

the king turned to Serifal and whispered smiling: “my dear,
he says he is a wizard then we'll make him disappear.”
Getting serious looked at his men, mounted a horse and said only three words:
“fight with honour!!”

We are the prisoners
We are compelled to fight
We are the prisoners
We'll keep on defending our life
We are the prisoners
We are compelled to fight
We are the prisoners
We'll make it defending our life

At the end the scaffold took fire, while the wizard said his last words:
“People of this damned city I die but leave you two mementos,
The corpse of your beloved king, and a magic book of misfortunes
Made to destroy all of you!”

We are the prisoners
We are compelled to fight
We are the prisoners
We'll keep on defending our life
We are the prisoners
We are compelled to fight
We are the prisoners
We'll make it defending our life…….
……We are the prisoners
Because Avylonia will live!

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Ye Banished Privateers - I Dream of You
It surprised me a bit that these guys failed so utterly to impress last time around, but I guess competence isn't everything. Maybe I should have picked that other pirate band after all. Next time.


Amberian Dawn - Arctica
I thought Arctic topics required some visuals involving ice and cold, but I guess if you're budget Nightwish, you're going to have to go with whatever video backdrop the library has whether it matches the song's topic or not.
 
First round was looking pretty tight until I got to the chorus(es) - Axxis was catchy as hell

Ye Banished Privateers execute the whole folk thing much more effectively this time around, whereas Amberian Dawn are just as adequate
 
Axxis for me. Really tacky and poseur and better to listen to than Unicorn.

"I potatoes peel and I homesick feel," knocks the stuffing out of Sabaton's most naff rhymes. Ye Banished Privateers make Alestorm sound incredibly classy here. Definitely crossed the line into wannabe folk. Cut price Nightwish are more enjoyable despite this song being mostly nondescript and full of warbling. Amberian Dawn get my vote.

Is Geek Elrond and Chums not still in this game?
 
That Axxis song is pretty darn good. Head was bobbing the whole way, loving the chorus. It's definitely got hooks. I will say the Unicorn song definitely has some cheesy stuff going on in the opening, and seems to build nicely. Hard to pick here, but I am leaning towards Axxis just a little bit more.

I guess I just don't love Ye Banished Privateers schtick. They certainly live their gimmick, but it's so uninteresting to me that I can't appreciate it. There's more real cheese in the first 30 seconds of that Amberian Dawn video than there was in YBP.
 
Axxis and Unicorn are both horrible. Axxis is slightly more tolerable though.

Ye Banished Privateers isn't even metal. Why are they here? Amberian Dawn is bad, but at least it fits into the game more.
 
Unicorn have that overly happy vibe that doesn't really belong in Metal so they get the cheese vote.

Ye Banished Privateers are really boring. Amberian Dawn are not good but the performances in the video win my vote e.g. drummer grimacing like he's playing a Cannibal Corpse song, Legolas-lookalike whipping his hair back like a L'Oreal advert.
 
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