Lame and not so lame jokes

What's the difference between a carrot and a brick wall? Now think for a minute.

If you still don't know it you should go get some serious help.
 
Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?










He got the sack!
[!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--] [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--] [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
whats smelly, and transperant?


a mason jar in a dumpster [!--emo&:P--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
Whats red and yellow and pink and green, orange and purple and blue?

A rainbow!
 
A man walks into his local pub and sees a guy at the bar with a head like an orange.
He has a couple of drinks and finally plucks up the courage to ask him about his head.

“Excuse me for asking, but why have you got a head like an orange?”
“Well” says the guy “I was cleaning out the garden shed, when I found an old oil lamp, so I gave it a rub and out pops a bloody Genie and grants me three wishes.”
“Wow” says the man “What did you wish for?”
“For my first wish I asked for untold riches, which I now have.”
“Yes,yes, what did you wish for next?”
“My second wish was to have unlimited access to the most beautiful women in the world, which I have.”
“Yes,yes but what was your third wish?”







“I asked for a head like an orange!”
 
And one for Conor: [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--]

Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?



To be sure, to be sure...
 
[!--QuoteBegin-national acrobat+Dec 22 2005, 05:14 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(national acrobat @ Dec 22 2005, 05:14 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]And one for Conor: [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?
To be sure, to be sure...
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Another Irish joke anybody?
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were running away from the police. They found an abandonned barn so decided to hide there. Inside there were three sacks so each Paddy got into a sack.

The Police entered and saw the three sacks so went over to the first one where Paddy Englishman was inside. They kicked the bag but heard a huge "Rooooaaaarr" so they said they would leave it as there was a tiger inside.

They got to the next sack, with Paddy Scotsman in it. They heard a fearsome bark from inside so they left it, thinking it was a rabid dog.

Approaching the next bag they thought they were bound to find somebody in this one. Paddy irishman was shitting himself inside it. The Police kicked the bag and they heard coming from inside, "Spuds, spuds"
[!--emo&:P--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
Woohoo! Stereotypes!

A massive 6'5", 20 stone scouser is sat at a bar on his own enjoying a quiet pint, when this little guy walks up to him leans over and whispers in his ear
"fancy a blowjob?"
The scouser, outraged, picks the guy up by the scruff of the neck and beats him in the face to the door, then kicks him outside into the carpark where he stamps on his head a few times.
The scouser calmly walks back in and starts sipping his pint as though nothing has happened.
The barman walks over to him and says "wow that was a bit drastic, what did he say to you"?
The scouser replies "I dunno, something about a job"
[!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--] [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
...can't.....stop.....jokes......

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife lying in bed replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep."
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

A new zoo opened in my local town
it only contains one animal - a dog

It was a shitzu!


Why did the baker have brown hands?
He kneaded a poo!
 
Well, you know you're doing wrong when your first ever post is in the Madness forum. (Like mine [!--emo&:)--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/smile.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'smile.gif\' /][!--endemo--] )

Really, I'm a hypocrite, but this guy was a guest long enough to know the rules. The rules of Spelling And Grammar.
 
[!--QuoteBegin-fuzzboy+Jan 8 2006, 07:54 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(fuzzboy @ Jan 8 2006, 07:54 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--][!--emo&:lol:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lol[1].gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lol[1].gif\' /][!--endemo--]  [!--emo&:lol:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lol[1].gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lol[1].gif\' /][!--endemo--]  [!--emo&:lol:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lol[1].gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lol[1].gif\' /][!--endemo--]  [!--emo&:lol:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lol[1].gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lol[1].gif\' /][!--endemo--] ........i still dont get the one bout the shitzu
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It's a pun in English so it might be hard for non-natives to understand:
shitzu = breed of dog
shit zoo = bad zoo (it sounds the same as shitzu)

Here's one of mine:
What does a Sweedish Fred Flintstone say?
ABBA-dabba-do [!--emo&:rolleyes:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/rolleyes.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'rolleyes.gif\' /][!--endemo--]

Edit: poor grammar
 
Way to ruin it for us, Ace!

I'm telling! [!--emo&:(--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/sad.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'sad.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
God was talking to one of the new humans he'd created, called Adam.

"Well Adam, i've got some good news and some bad news" God told Adam

"Give me the good news first God" Adam replied.

"Well i've made you a new organ, called the brain. It can help you do all sorts of things: see, hear, taste and most importantly think. I also made you another organ called the penis. It will give you pleasure and give Eve pleasure" God informed Adam.

"Oh wow. Thanks God. But what's the bad news?" Adam asked God.

"You can''t use them at the same time."



[!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
My wife went into a chemist today, she can't resist a bargain, she bought five packets of tampons with images of Santa Claus printed on them.

But she couldn't use them because,

YOU CAN ONLY USE THEM OVER THE CHRISTMAS PERIOD! [!--emo&:nana:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lambada.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lambada.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
Two little eggs were in the fridge, so the first one tells the other:
"Hey pal, it sure is cold here"
And the other one replies:



"Damn, an egg that talks!"
 
Many people are at a loss for a response when someonesays, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
 
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