Lame and not so lame jokes

What do you name a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream.
 
An elephant family, mommy, daddy and baby, are walking through the jungle (they're [a href=\'http://www.blueplanetbiomes.org/african_forest_elephant.htm\' target=\'_blank\']forest elephants[/a]). After wandering about for hours and hours, all three get incredibly thirsty. They make for the waterhole, but find the path blocked by a fallen tree. Daddy elephant tries to lift the tree and fails. Mommy elephant tries to lift the tree and fails. Baby elephant says:
"Can I try?"
Daddy elephant replies:
"No, you'll break your trunk".
Fortunately, daddy elephant remembered another path that would lead them to the waterhole, and they took this one. They arrived at the waterhole and had a wonderful elephanty day.
The next day, the same elephant family, mommy, daddy and baby, are walking through the jungle again. After wandering about for hours and hours, all three get incredibly thirsty. They make for the waterhole, but find the second path blocked by a fallen tree as well. Daddy elephant tries to lift the tree and fails. Mommy elephant tries to lift the tree and fails. Baby elephant says:
"Can I try?"
Daddy elephant replies:
"No, you'll break your legs".
Fortunately, daddy elephant remembered another path that would lead them to the waterhole, and they took this one. They arrived at the waterhole and had a wonderful elephanty day.
The next day, the same elephant family, mommy, daddy and baby, are walking through the jungle again. After wandering about for hours and hours, all three get incredibly thirsty. They make for the waterhole, but find the third path blocked by a fallen tree as well. Daddy elephant tries to lift the tree and fails. Mommy elephant tries to lift the tree and fails. Baby elephant says:
"Can I try?"
Daddy elephant replies:
"No, you'll break your back".
Fortunately, daddy elephant remembered yet another path that would lead them to the waterhole, and they took this one. They arrived at the waterhole and had a wonderful elephanty day.
The next day, the same elephant family, mommy, daddy and baby, are walking through the jungle again. After wandering about for hours and hours, all three get incredibly thirsty. They make for the waterhole, but find the fourth path blocked by a fallen tree as well. Daddy elephant tries to lift the tree and fails. Mommy elephant tries to lift the tree and fails. Baby elephant says:
"Can I try?"
Daddy elephant, totally annoyed, and, knowing that this was the last path that led to the waterhole, replies:
"OK, go ahead!"
Baby elephant tries to lift the tree, and breaks his trunk, his legs and his back.

[img src=\'http://www.londonstimes.us/toons/cartoons/fall_ELEPHANTTRUNK.jpg\' border=\'0\' alt=\'user posted image\' /]
 
A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"Grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "You shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "How much do you weigh?"? The grandmother replied, "You shouldn't ask me questions like that"!

The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the conversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all the information will be there.

The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"You weigh 130lb and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a very shy way whispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".

[!--emo&:P--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease."

"And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
 
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the atmosphere, chat with the locals and have a few pints of British ale.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO Public Conveniences.

But, he really, really has to go, after all that beer. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was really decent of you... is that what you call British hospitality?"
"No sir...", replied the bobby, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
 
A 45 year old man has been trying to have children with his wife for a number of years but couldn't get her pregnant.
He goes to the doctor to see if the problem could be solved. The doctor gives him a cup, and tells the man to come back in a days time with a sample.
The man returns the next day with the empty cup. The doctor asks why it is empty. The man says, "I tried with my right hand, then with my left, but it wouldn't work. Then I asked my wife to try, even with her teeth, but it was a struggle. I then asked my neighbour to try, both hands again, but even he couldn't get the lid off"
 
Johnny Cash arrives in heaven and is met by Elvis, who shows him around.

[span style=\'color:blue\']"Wowww, Elvis, it sure is purity here" says Cash.[/span]
"Yeah, real nice" the King replies.
[span style=\'color:blue\']"Look!!" says Cash, "there`s Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, ohh Elvis!!! This is wonderful and look!!! There`s Bono going in his sunglasses... Wait wait wait!!!! Bono is not dead yet!!"[/span]
"No" says Elvis..."That`s God, he is just thinks he`s Bono!!!!!". [!--emo&B)--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/cool.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'cool.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
so this guy has been living in the middle of nowhere for too long, and now he got some money and is looking for sex. So he goes to the nearest city and find himself a whorehouse. He knox the door, and a small hatch opens. A voice asks him: "what do you want?" the man replies: "i want to get heavily screwed!" "closed club, you have to pay 100 dollar first.." So the man gets a 100 dollar bill and hands it through the opening. The opening closes and the man waits..

and waits..

and waits..

After 15 minutes he gets tired of waiting, and knocks again. Again the small hatch opens. "what do you want?" "i said i wanted to get screwed!!"

The man behind the hatch replies: "again?!"
 
A 70 year old convict gets paroled after serving 50 years out of a life sentence in prison. He decides that, prior to meeting his parole-officer, he wants to celebrate his release by visiting a prostitute. Completely oblivious to the modern "going-rates" applied by the young ladies he packs $35 and figures he'll be able to get "something extra" for that cash aswell. Much to his disappointment he figures out that all the young ladies are well-out-of his financial league. However one sweet thing feels a bit sorry for the man and says that, though she can't please him herself for just $35, she does know an "older girl" that probably will. "And for that kinda money she'll probably throw in a couple of drinks aswell" the young prostitute adds. Following the girls' directions the old man finally arrives at a small appartment just outside town. He knocks on the door, an older lady opens and greets him: "What can I do you for, handsome?" she says. The man explains to the lady what he has heard about her doin "the dirty" for just $35 and the complimentary drinks he was told about. "All that's true, handsome. You've come to the right place." she replies. "But before we go any further, I'll have to be completely honest with you about one thing" she continues. The old man wonders what she's going to tell him... the sound of her voice has him somewhat startled. And the lady goes on: "You see I just HAVE to tell you this: I have NO CLITORIS". The old man now relaxes, takes both her hands in his and replies: "No worry love, I'll just have a scotch instead"...
 
What are the definitions of love, true love and showing off?
Spit, swallow and gargle.


Two pieces of vomit are walking down the high street when one of them starts to weep. "What's wrong" the other asks. The weeping vomit replies "I was brought up around here."

What has a hurricane got in common wih a woman?
When it comes it's wet and went it goes it takes half your house.

What is the difference between a fly and a bird?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

What is the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits your car windscreen?
It's arse.

[!--emo&:lmao:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lol.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lol.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

What does a cow with no lips say?
Oooooooooo

Why couldn't the elephants go into the swimming pool?
They only had one pair of trunks between them

There are all my lame animal jokes off my chest
 
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea (No eyed deer)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

Why does it take 10 women with PMT to change a lightbulb?
COS IT JUST DOES ALRIGHT!

A man obviously worse for drink stops another man on the pavement and asks where the other side of the road is. The second an points across the street. "Twat," the drunken man exclaims, "Some fucker just sent me over here."

What do you call a woman on top of a house?
Ruth

What do you call an Asian man inbetween two buildings?
Ali
 
[!--QuoteBegin-thegodthatish+Nov 4 2005, 04:34 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(thegodthatish @ Nov 4 2005, 04:34 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea (No eyed deer)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
[snapback]122126[/snapback]​
[/quote]
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no willy?
Still no-fucking idea. [!--emo&:P--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was holding hands with the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top