Lame and not so lame jokes

A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening.”

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank fuck," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
 
A 747 is flying the route New York-Paris, with, among others, two businessmen aboard.

In the middle of the flight, while the plane is over the Azores, an engine suddenly fails. The pilot notices it and makes an announcement to the passengers:

"I am sorry to report that one of our engines failed. That is not a cause for alarm, we've still got three left. The flight is just gonna take three hours longer than planned."

A few minutes later, the second engine dies. The pilot announces:

"Another engine just failed, but that is no cause for alarm, for we still have two left. The flight will only last six hours longer than planned."

A few minutes later, the third engine dies. The pilot announces:

"I am sorry to report that our third engine just failed. While this is no cause for alarm as we still have an engine left, the flight will be delayed by a further three hours."

In the passenger cabin, one of the businessmen says to the other one: "I sure hope the last engine won't fail, else we'll be stuck up here forever!"
 
God is missing from heaven for six days. Peter becomes suspicious and goes looking for him. He finally finds him and asks:
"God! Where have you been?"
"Look at this, Peter! I created a new world. I am calling it 'earth'. It is a place of harmony and balance. For example, on this continent named 'North America', they are all rich, while on this one named 'Africa', they are all poor. Around the Equator, it is hot while in the northern and southern regions, the average temperature drops. See, it's all balanced."
"Uh-huh," Peter replies.
"And finally," God continues, "this is my favourite part. It's called 'France'. It is a place full of love and culture. It will be home to the best food, the greatest poets, scientists and artists. The language will be the most beautiful known to man."
"Wait a second," Peter says, "you said it was all balanced!"
"Oh it is," God replies. "Just wait till you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!"
 
[!--quoteo(post=130108:date=Mar 1 2006, 11:12 AM:name=Perun)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Perun @ Mar 1 2006, 11:12 AM) [snapback]130108[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]God replies. "Just wait till you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!"[/quote]Did he mean the land of Goethe, Brahms, Schopenauer, Röntgen and Gutenberg?
 
A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter.

"I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed.

"What happened?", his buddy asked.

"Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump."

"What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned.

"Well the jump sergeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!"

"Did you jump?"

"Well, just a little"
 
In the beginning, God created Earth and then he rested.
Then, God created Man and then he rested.
Then, God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
 
A couple is out golfing. The man's golf ball flies into the bushes. When the couple goes to pick it up, they find a man with a turban sitting in the bushes.

"Hello," says the man, "I am a genie. Your golfball destroyed the lamp I am trapped in, and I will grant you two wishes. However, since I have been trapped in this lamp for two thousand years, you will have to grant me a wish in return. Does that sound fair?"

"I suppose so," the husband replies. "So, my first wish is to be the President of the United States."

The genie waves around with his arms and finally says "There you go! You're the President of the United States!"

"Alright," the husband says, "then my second wish is to be the world's richest man."

The genie waves around with his arms again and finally says "There you go! You're the world's richest man!"

"OK," the husband replies. "What is your wish then?"

"I've been trapped in the lamp for two thousand years, and naturally, I get very lonely and also very horny in there. I would like to sleep with your wife."

The couple agrees that it is fair considering the wishes the genie granted. The husband goes to the club house and the genie and the wife go to the bushes together. After they're done, the genie says: "So your husband still believes in genies, huh?"
 
"What did the Irish priest say to the bronze moulder?


"Make that bell fast!"
 
I went to the Doctor with a chip up both nostrils and beans in my ears. I said "Doctor I'm losing weight".

He said "No wonder, you're not eating properly".
 
What does a Finnish vampire hunter use to open doors?

A Helsing key.
 
An old man was sitting on a bench at the park. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him. The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later of naughty fun, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

4 litres of semi-skimmed milk,
half dozen eggs,
1 litre of orange juice,
a cos lettuce,
a 1 lb. jar of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
 
Girl's diary:

Scott was so strange today. I wonder what is going on in his mind. He was in the living room for ages, not saying a word, only coming out once to go to the bathroom and get a beer. When he finally came out, he was all sad and depressed. He looked at me with an expression as if he was about to cry. He still didn't say a word, but quietly walked to the bedroom. I decided to follow him to see what he was up to. Almost wordless he undressed and I understood: He wanted to sleep with me. Maybe for the last time? He said nothing afterwards but went out again. Oh God, I hope he doesn't want to hurt himself. Or maybe he wants to leave me? Oh dear, no! I can change! If he only said a word! Please let him stay, I love him so much! If he only told me what is going on in his mind, I can help him! Please, please, I wouldn't get over it if he left me. Please, Scott, stay! Stay!

Boy's diary:
West Ham lost to Chelsea 0-2. Got a shag though.
 
:: I like it! Much like my girl/boy poem in the poetry thread.



It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.


The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
 
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?

Snowballs!
 
You'll need to read this one twice, but it's great.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who'sa talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my friend how to spella 'Mississippi'."
 
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit

Pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.



The little old man jumps up again.



"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"





The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike...



and starts to sing .....





"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
 
Now you mention it Conor, yes I do.

N.B. Names have been altered to hide real identities.


Nationul Acribot goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Nat, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Nat is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and peanuts, a box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Nat asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it will teach you what your arse is for."
 
Three tampons walk into a bar. Which one speaks first?






None. They're all stuck-up c**ts.
 
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