Lame and not so lame jokes

That one was great, keep bringing the new Schitt.

Another one.

How is Ozzy Osbourne called if he gets taken care of by cryonics?
Try Ötzi Osboune or Ozzy the Iceman.
 
dont get offended by this joke if you are blonde.

what do you call a blonde who dyed her hair brown? artificial intellegence. [!--emo&:lmao:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lol.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lol.gif\' /][!--endemo--]

btw:my mother is blonde.
 
Perhaps SMX's joke influenced that joke Fuzzboy?

What do you call a smart blonde?
-A Golden Retriever
 
What is your date of birth?
July 15th
What year?
Every year. [!--emo&:P--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
[!--QuoteBegin-marce+Jan 15 2006, 12:55 AM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(marce @ Jan 15 2006, 12:55 AM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]What is your date of birth?
July 15th
What year?
Every year. [!--emo&:P--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
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[/quote]I know it's supposed to be a lame joke but still... Shouldn't it say "When's your birthday" in order for the punch line to work?
Regard this post as another lame joke [!--emo&:blush:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/blush.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'blush.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
[!--QuoteBegin-charlotte+Jan 23 2006, 10:59 AM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(charlotte @ Jan 23 2006, 10:59 AM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]I know it's supposed to be a lame joke but still... Shouldn't it say "When's your birthday" in order for the punch line to work?
Regard this post as another lame joke [!--emo&:blush:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/blush.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'blush.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
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[/quote]
I think it only works with the "date of birth" opening... [!--emo&:unsure:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/unsure.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'unsure.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
[!--QuoteBegin-Conor+Jan 23 2006, 08:27 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Conor @ Jan 23 2006, 08:27 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]I think it only works with the "date of birth" opening...
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[/quote]I think not.
Joke interpreter? Matter of opinion? (Which itself is another great joke... [!--emo&:rolleyes:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/rolleyes.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'rolleyes.gif\' /][!--endemo--] )
 
on a 20 question test, how many did the president of the united states get wrong?

43 wrong [!--emo&:P--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
How Sex Began:In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
there was Eve's treasure
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
 
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

“Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."


"Sorry?!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!”
 
[!--QuoteBegin-fuzzboy+Jan 25 2006, 01:45 AM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(fuzzboy @ Jan 25 2006, 01:45 AM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]oh shit! i'm a double poster! [!--emo&:o--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/ohmy.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'ohmy.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
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[/quote]

If that was your worst trait, then I'd be happy to read your posts. [!--emo&:P--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
Jack and Paul are both 20 years old.

Jack: 'How old is your father?'
Paul: '50.'
Jack: 'Really?'
Paul: 'Of course. How do you mean?'
Jack: 'Mine is only 20 years old.'
Paul: 'What are you saying?'
Jack: 'He became father the day I was born.'
 
[!--QuoteBegin-Bunkle+Jan 31 2006, 07:42 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Bunkle @ Jan 31 2006, 07:42 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]Jack and Paul are both 20 years old.

Jack: 'How old is your father?'
Paul: '50.'
Jack: 'Really?'
Paul: 'Of course. How do you mean?'
Jack: 'Mine is only 20 years old.'
Paul: 'What are you saying?'
Jack: 'He became father the day I was born.'
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My reaction to this one:
[!--emo&:unsure:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/unsure.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'unsure.gif\' /][!--endemo--] [!--emo&:huh:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/huh.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'huh.gif\' /][!--endemo--] [!--emo&:)--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/smile.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'smile.gif\' /][!--endemo--] [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--] [!--emo&:lol:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lol[1].gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lol[1].gif\' /][!--endemo--] [!--emo&:lmao:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lol.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lol.gif\' /][!--endemo--] [!--emo&B)--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/cool.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'cool.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
[!--QuoteBegin-Conor+Jan 31 2006, 09:32 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Conor @ Jan 31 2006, 09:32 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]My reaction to this one:
[!--emo&:unsure:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/unsure.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'unsure.gif\' /][!--endemo--]  [!--emo&:huh:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/huh.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'huh.gif\' /][!--endemo--]  [!--emo&:)--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/smile.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'smile.gif\' /][!--endemo--]  [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--]  [!--emo&:lol:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lol[1].gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lol[1].gif\' /][!--endemo--]  [!--emo&:lmao:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/lol.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'lol.gif\' /][!--endemo--]  [!--emo&B)--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/cool.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'cool.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
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That's why it's lame. Another one.

There once was a racist busdriver. Everyday a black man got in the bus and the busdriver said: 'Black in the back.'. That's the way it was going for months and months. At a certain day a man walked up to the busdriver and gave him a random anti-racism speach. 'Okay' the busdriver replied him, 'I get your point. From now on I'll imagine all people coming into this bus as blue.
The next day the man was watching while the black man was entering the bus. At once the busdriver said: 'Dark blue in the back.'
 
A man thought his wife was having an affair, so he phones her from work as tells her he is working late. As soon as he puts the phone down he runs to his car and speeds home. He lives eight floors up in a tower block so when he gets there he kicks his front door in, runs round the flat and shouts WHERE IS HE? He looks over his balcony and see's a man scurrying away re-adjusting his tie and grooming his hair, so he throws a wardrobe over the balcony and it lands on the man.

He is at the gates of heaven and St. Peter says. What happened my son?
He replies: I was walking down the pub and a great big wardrobe fell on me.
St. Peter replies, you may enter.

St. Peter then says, Next What happened to you my son, and he replies:


Well I was sitting in this wardrobe................
 
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first
drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the
bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out!

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a
truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...

"He should have quit while he was a head!"
 
I liked that one.

Right, well, here goes.

Einstein, Da Vinci and Bush are waiting at the gates of heaven. St Peter comes over and says "If you can prove who you are, you can go into heaven!"

Einstein then takes out a pad and pen, and explains the theory of Relativity.

"Ok, you may pass," says Peter.

Da Vinci then picks up an easel, palette and paints, and proceeds to recreate the Mona Lisa perfectly.

"Ok, you may pass," says Peter.

George Bush then steps forwards. St Peter says "Right, if you can prove who you are, just as Albert Einstein and Leonardo Da Vinci did, you can go into heaven."

Bush then asks "Who are Einstein and Da Vinci?"

Peter replies "Ok, you are Bush, you may pass."

* * *

A child is playing with a train set, and his father is watching. As his train pulls into the station, he plays the voice-over, and says "All you twats who want to get off, get off now, and if you're one of those bastards who want to stay on, stay the fuck on!"

His father hears, and says "Son, if I hear that language from you again you'll go to your room."

The boy replies "Ok, Daddy."

Five minutes later, the bay again does the voice-over. "If you'd like to get off, get the fuck off. If you don't, stay in your shitting seats."

His father again hears, and says "Son, that's the last straw. Upstairs, now."

The boy sulkily does as he is told, and makes his way to his room.

About 15 minutes later, the boy's mother comes downstairs. She says, to the father "Can Ben come downstairs now. He's really sorry, and he's getting upset."

The father reluctantly agrees.

Once the boy has returned downstairs, he again plays with his trains. As his train pulls into the station yet again, he says "Sorry about the delay, folks. It was that bastard's fault!"
 
Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now," he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

The blonde immediately shot back, "Yep! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!"
 
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