The Legend of the CHEESEVIVÖR - INCORRUPTIBLE BATTALION BATTLES 5&6 (Updated 06.12.20)
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MrKnickerbocker
clap hands
Civil War is pure, standard cheesy fare, but holy hell, I have to vote for the atrocity of Imperivm. It's an affront to recording techniques, good music, and the English language. This disturbingly moldy cheese deserves a vote for being one of the worst things I've ever heard.
The lead singer of IronSword has clearly eaten too much cheese and chosen to record vocals while aggressively constipated. Solitary Sabred (Solitary Satbred?) is easily the lamest, most poorly executed thing I’ve heard since the first match of this round. My echo of my slithers towards their cause.
The lead singer of IronSword has clearly eaten too much cheese and chosen to record vocals while aggressively constipated. Solitary Sabred (Solitary Satbred?) is easily the lamest, most poorly executed thing I’ve heard since the first match of this round. My echo of my slithers towards their cause.
Black Wizard
Pleb Hunter
Herded like animals
In dark an smelly streets
It was not my fault
But I'm glad
Lyrics from the Imperivm song. It's so bad. How did they get a record deal?
The Civil War song has the immortal lyrics:
In England when things turned bad
Inventions of mine just could not stand
The chorus at least had a fist-pumping aspect to it so was more enjoyable then the Imperivm song. The person who uploaded that video to Youtube also left a message at the end saying "Thanks to Civil War for being such an awesome band" - they're really not. Civil War suck, but they get my vote ahead of Imperivum.
The Ironsword song is pretty boring and would probably be more fun with a proper singer. The artwork looks like a member of Manowar going on a tomb raiding expedition. The Solitary Sabred song is a bit more memorable and has some moments of potential, so although it's still dumb it gets my vote.
In dark an smelly streets
It was not my fault
But I'm glad
Lyrics from the Imperivm song. It's so bad. How did they get a record deal?
The Civil War song has the immortal lyrics:
In England when things turned bad
Inventions of mine just could not stand
The chorus at least had a fist-pumping aspect to it so was more enjoyable then the Imperivm song. The person who uploaded that video to Youtube also left a message at the end saying "Thanks to Civil War for being such an awesome band" - they're really not. Civil War suck, but they get my vote ahead of Imperivum.
The Ironsword song is pretty boring and would probably be more fun with a proper singer. The artwork looks like a member of Manowar going on a tomb raiding expedition. The Solitary Sabred song is a bit more memorable and has some moments of potential, so although it's still dumb it gets my vote.
Black Wizard
Pleb Hunter
Neither pairing is close, so it won't make a difference.
MrKnickerbocker
clap hands
It’s definitely a language issue on their part, as with the lyrics. Horrible logo design doesn’t help.
I had no idea it was possible to sabre something.
MrKnickerbocker
clap hands
I’m just curious what they have previously sabred and why they did it in isolation?
Black Wizard
Pleb Hunter
It's kind of a requirement right now.
Shmoolikipod
Stranger to the Light
Imperivm - first of all, the fire effects killed me. Second of all, this chorus is at least catchy, admit it. Third of all, the rest of the song is not good enough. Lyrics are not perfect poetry and I don't know Latin (yes?) so...
Civil War - this piece of art is like making toast, then thinking there's not enough cheese and adding another layer, repeating the process for like 5 times. The vocals thunder in and I already knew I'm in for a treat. (They also remind me of some Ayreon singer.) The chorus with its multiple vocalists was too much, I had to turn the volume down a bit... The IRON! CLAD! shouting didn't exactly help, and it also feels a little buried in the mix imo. Then we get this predictable af ascending chords, and "oh no no no..." we I might not have minded if it wasn't written in the lyrics. Easy vote.
Ironsword - I know writing about songs isn't my strength, but I was a little surprised at how little I wrote about Imperivm. Ironsword is another thing, I had no thoughts whatsoever other than "that's lame". The only thing I noticed is the semi-abrupt ending.
Solitary Sabred- really wasn't ready for this. How many ways of singing does this singer wish to employ?! The start is horrendously bad, but honestly so is the rest. Each second is more and more surprising in this song. Those out of place highs at 2:10 ending in this evil laugh and moving to a storytelling like Judas Priest's Spectre, except it's bad. This song doesn't make sense on so many levels... I have no idea what kind of musical they were going for, or if the writer is even aware of how ridiculous this song is... Obviously voting for this...
Civil War - this piece of art is like making toast, then thinking there's not enough cheese and adding another layer, repeating the process for like 5 times. The vocals thunder in and I already knew I'm in for a treat. (They also remind me of some Ayreon singer.) The chorus with its multiple vocalists was too much, I had to turn the volume down a bit... The IRON! CLAD! shouting didn't exactly help, and it also feels a little buried in the mix imo. Then we get this predictable af ascending chords, and "oh no no no..." we I might not have minded if it wasn't written in the lyrics. Easy vote.
Ironsword - I know writing about songs isn't my strength, but I was a little surprised at how little I wrote about Imperivm. Ironsword is another thing, I had no thoughts whatsoever other than "that's lame". The only thing I noticed is the semi-abrupt ending.
Solitary Sabred- really wasn't ready for this. How many ways of singing does this singer wish to employ?! The start is horrendously bad, but honestly so is the rest. Each second is more and more surprising in this song. Those out of place highs at 2:10 ending in this evil laugh and moving to a storytelling like Judas Priest's Spectre, except it's bad. This song doesn't make sense on so many levels... I have no idea what kind of musical they were going for, or if the writer is even aware of how ridiculous this song is... Obviously voting for this...
DJ James
A coma stole my name.
Imperivm and Civil War were both lamer than I had hoped but I thought USS Monitor went by quicker than Rome Burns did (which was good). I was excited when I saw IronSword in here as I had mistakenly remembered them as the FANTASTIC Italian Epic Doom/USPM worship band DoomSword. I didn't like the songwriting or vocal performance on the IronSword track but the guitar tone was good. Solitary Sabred wins almost on style points alone, their song was awesome with a good atmosphere.
Elvenking - Divination
As ever so often with Italian Cheese Metal bands, modesty is not considered a virtue by these guys when they describe themselves in the following way: "Considering the impressive history of ELVENKING, there is no chance to deny it: The Folk Power Metal band belongs to the most important and unique bands of the scene that made its way and established itself among the leading acts of Europa when it comes to powerful Metal music with Folk and Pagan influences."
Brothers of Metal - Yggdrasil
This is certainly an odd fraternity if they push a female lead singer, but I guess that's just progressive. Still I can't help the feeling that the... co-singer? Looks a bit uncomfortable in this video.
Kryptos - March Speed Running
About time we had some motorcycle mania with clichéd metal catchphrases to shake things up a bit. Nothing wrong with a little biker temperament, for who says that it all has to be about dwarves and dragons?
Serious Black - Serious Black Magic
And here we have a band that combines heavy metal music with magic! An approach that certainly hasn't been done before, and I can't see how anything could go wrong there. After all, there's a difference in a magic metal show and a metal show with magic.
Ariana
Black-and-white leopard
Impervium are so bad, I love them! Atrocious lyrics, no sense of rhythm whatsoever, awful vocals, and that botched pronunciation! Incredible cheese! Civil War is just bland in comparison.
The second pair was very weak, but I have to go with Solitary Sabred, if only for the WTF factor.
(Forgot to post this about the previous round)
The current one: Against all I believe in, I'm voting for Brothers of Metal. Yes, Elvenking were so bad they made me choose a female-fronted band over them. Yggdrasil was just a more listenable song.
The Kryptos song was extremely boring. Serious Black, while not really good, was at least more interesting. And reminds me of Ghost.
The second pair was very weak, but I have to go with Solitary Sabred, if only for the WTF factor.
(Forgot to post this about the previous round)
The current one: Against all I believe in, I'm voting for Brothers of Metal. Yes, Elvenking were so bad they made me choose a female-fronted band over them. Yggdrasil was just a more listenable song.
The Kryptos song was extremely boring. Serious Black, while not really good, was at least more interesting. And reminds me of Ghost.
Elvenking seem to have all the ingredients (including the looks and the video) of a full on metal band, and somehow manage to assemble them all to create a not very memorable song. Oh well. I have to go with the sentimental cheesefest that is Brothers of Metal. I suspect this is actually not a rock or metal band, but a slushy Eurovision-wannabe pop act who won a makeover from a LARP convention.
Kryptos were okay but on the dull side. Meanwhile I seriously enjoyed Serious Black. Quite a nicely written song.
Kryptos were okay but on the dull side. Meanwhile I seriously enjoyed Serious Black. Quite a nicely written song.
Wogmidget
Shitpost bot
Elvenking clearly haven't discovered the rhythm guitar yet; Brothers of Metal wins it with lighters held aloft.
Meanwhile on planet Kryptos, playing the same riff for four minutes does not equate to quality cheese. I mean, it's a good riff, but some variety would be nice. I wasn't convinced by Serious Black at first, but it grew on me
Meanwhile on planet Kryptos, playing the same riff for four minutes does not equate to quality cheese. I mean, it's a good riff, but some variety would be nice. I wasn't convinced by Serious Black at first, but it grew on me
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Diesel 11
As you scream into the web of silence...
Battle 1:
Damn, that Elvenking song was way better than I was expecting. The singer was better than all of them in the previous round by a mile, the music was bangin’, and they even had a fucking guitar / violin duel. I loved it.
Fuck, Brothers Of Metal had a fantastic number too, in spite of their stupid name. That mix of the gravelly male and powerful female vocals was a little confusing until the chorus kicked in, and then it made perfect sense. And what a chorus too! Big, epic, the perfect thing to praise our Norse overlords with.
Both of these songs are the best I’ve heard from this Cheesevivor yet, and I genuinely am torn about who to vote for. Given that previous posters have voted for BoM, I’ll throw one in for Elvenking. But damn, they were both so good.
————
Battle 2:
Kryptos really came with some fire. The vocalist is like a worse Paul Di’Anno, the chorus doesn’t really pop, but damn, “MACH SPEED RUNNING!” That’s just fun. I’m pretty sure I heard the melody of “Rock Me Amadeus” in here too. It’s so stupid but sounds so good.
And Serious Black come in with a worthy offering as well! What a dumb song and what a fun execution. Minus one point for the shoehorned bridge, and another for no over the top falsetto, but otherwise it’s a great closer to a really good double set of battles.
Going for Kryptos this time, but wow, both of these battles were great and I didn’t expect to hear myself say that in a Cheesevivor. I wish I could vote for all four of these bands.
Damn, that Elvenking song was way better than I was expecting. The singer was better than all of them in the previous round by a mile, the music was bangin’, and they even had a fucking guitar / violin duel. I loved it.
Fuck, Brothers Of Metal had a fantastic number too, in spite of their stupid name. That mix of the gravelly male and powerful female vocals was a little confusing until the chorus kicked in, and then it made perfect sense. And what a chorus too! Big, epic, the perfect thing to praise our Norse overlords with.
Both of these songs are the best I’ve heard from this Cheesevivor yet, and I genuinely am torn about who to vote for. Given that previous posters have voted for BoM, I’ll throw one in for Elvenking. But damn, they were both so good.
————
Battle 2:
Kryptos really came with some fire. The vocalist is like a worse Paul Di’Anno, the chorus doesn’t really pop, but damn, “MACH SPEED RUNNING!” That’s just fun. I’m pretty sure I heard the melody of “Rock Me Amadeus” in here too. It’s so stupid but sounds so good.
And Serious Black come in with a worthy offering as well! What a dumb song and what a fun execution. Minus one point for the shoehorned bridge, and another for no over the top falsetto, but otherwise it’s a great closer to a really good double set of battles.
Going for Kryptos this time, but wow, both of these battles were great and I didn’t expect to hear myself say that in a Cheesevivor. I wish I could vote for all four of these bands.
The Lore of the Unbent Battalion - Battles 1 & 2
Battle I
Elvenking have a pretty cheesy start, with what sounds like an attempt at metal violin in the background. Unfortunately, once we get into the verses, we're given a bit more of a bland sound. These guys are rushing through their cheese a little too quickly. We all know cheese needs to age and breathe in order to be great. The chorus does have some decent cheese. I feel like these guys could grow into bigger contenders, but I don't despise this one. I was tapping my foot and bobbing my head though - there's a curd here, some whey that could grow into cheese.
Brothers of Metal have this Amon Amarth-esque riff to start, not as harsh, obviously, and a decent vocalist to begin. Oooh, the attempt at harmony with a guy with a growly voice and a clean female vocal is hilariously silly. Lyrics are top quality cheese, and we're right into the hallelujah. I feel like this can get cheesier, but we've got a strong seed here. A cluster of warriors that could bring their sword and bow to a battlefield and turn a tide. Still, this song never quite hits that upper register. It feels like they're holding something back.
Having been familiar somewhat with one of these warriors, I expected a crushing defeat to Elvenking, but it's actually much closer. All the same, the Brothers of Metal carry the day and raise their banner high.
Battle II
Kryptos have a good riff to start, builds strong, but then does get a little bland through repetition. Vocals are really, really bad, not even in a fun way. Decent guitar sound, but there's not much else here. This is the Samwell Tarly of the Unbent Battalion. Yeah, nothing else to say here.
Serious Black gets an immediate point for the theremin. Nice start, quality cheese vocals. Does he cackle in the middle of the song? I'm seeing where @Brigantium is coming from with the Ghost comparisons. I detect a faint southern metal influence in the chorus, which is nice and cheesy. This is midrange cheese, but it's much, much better than Kryptos. These warriors have shown in in chain and bearing longswords, while their opponents are in old leather with bronze-tipped spears, though they are far from some of the mighty warriors we've seen in battles past. Still, magic may be the turning point in any cheese battle. Serious Black is also quite prolific, releasing 4 studio albums, one of which has a live second CD, and an acoustic album in 5 years.
The magicians win the day easily, as Serious Black casts Avada Kedavra and dispatches Kryptos with great ease.
Battle I
Elvenking have a pretty cheesy start, with what sounds like an attempt at metal violin in the background. Unfortunately, once we get into the verses, we're given a bit more of a bland sound. These guys are rushing through their cheese a little too quickly. We all know cheese needs to age and breathe in order to be great. The chorus does have some decent cheese. I feel like these guys could grow into bigger contenders, but I don't despise this one. I was tapping my foot and bobbing my head though - there's a curd here, some whey that could grow into cheese.
Brothers of Metal have this Amon Amarth-esque riff to start, not as harsh, obviously, and a decent vocalist to begin. Oooh, the attempt at harmony with a guy with a growly voice and a clean female vocal is hilariously silly. Lyrics are top quality cheese, and we're right into the hallelujah. I feel like this can get cheesier, but we've got a strong seed here. A cluster of warriors that could bring their sword and bow to a battlefield and turn a tide. Still, this song never quite hits that upper register. It feels like they're holding something back.
Having been familiar somewhat with one of these warriors, I expected a crushing defeat to Elvenking, but it's actually much closer. All the same, the Brothers of Metal carry the day and raise their banner high.
Battle II
Kryptos have a good riff to start, builds strong, but then does get a little bland through repetition. Vocals are really, really bad, not even in a fun way. Decent guitar sound, but there's not much else here. This is the Samwell Tarly of the Unbent Battalion. Yeah, nothing else to say here.
Serious Black gets an immediate point for the theremin. Nice start, quality cheese vocals. Does he cackle in the middle of the song? I'm seeing where @Brigantium is coming from with the Ghost comparisons. I detect a faint southern metal influence in the chorus, which is nice and cheesy. This is midrange cheese, but it's much, much better than Kryptos. These warriors have shown in in chain and bearing longswords, while their opponents are in old leather with bronze-tipped spears, though they are far from some of the mighty warriors we've seen in battles past. Still, magic may be the turning point in any cheese battle. Serious Black is also quite prolific, releasing 4 studio albums, one of which has a live second CD, and an acoustic album in 5 years.
The magicians win the day easily, as Serious Black casts Avada Kedavra and dispatches Kryptos with great ease.