The Legend of the CHEESEVIVÖR - INCORRUPTIBLE BATTALION BATTLES 5&6 (Updated 06.12.20)

Wogmidget

Shitpost bot
Blimey, nearly missed it
Blazon Stone is better than Lonewolf, and Silverbones is less meh than Skull & Bones
 

Perun

After the war?
Staff member

Civil War - Tears from the North
And as the longboats disappear we bring you the most poignant ship burial since Wagner sent Siegfried to Valhalla. And with a shoutout to Russia Today for whatever reason, WTF?


IronSword - Forging the Sword
I like how this video focuses on the bare chest of a Barbarian warrior for just the one half second too long required to make it mildly uncomfortable. The avenue of homoeroticism in Cheese Metal is one most daren't explore, but the guy who made this video is clearly fearless.

iu



Solitary Sabred - Burn Magic, Black Magic
Let's please all take a moment to appreciate the little things that make this music video great: The unnecessary chains on the drum kit, the singer randomly doing the metal horns for no reason, the guitarist's beer gut being in camera focus and the sword in the stone that has no reason to exist and is just there because the Elder Gods will it. \,,/


Imperivm - In a Holy War
Speaking of, Urban II famously told the feudal lords of Europe that "God wills it" when he sent them out on the first Crusade, so expertly narrated here. Did God will Imperivm though? The Cheesevivör Community does not favour them all that much it seems, and they have only very little chance proceeding to the next stage.
 

MindRuler

Found in a lost world
The vocals of Civil War make me cringe, that chorus of IronSword is rather boring but they have some interesting riffs.

Imperivm should get a new vocalist or if they don´t find one, at least send him to English class.
Solitary Sabred is more into my league. Tasty riffs and good vocals.
 

Brigantium

General of the Dark Army
Staff member
I like how this video focuses on the bare chest of a Barbarian warrior for just the one half second too long required to make it mildly uncomfortable. The avenue of homoeroticism in Cheese Metal is one most daren't explore, but the guy who made this video is clearly fearless.
Nice insertion of the word 'avenue'.

Ironsword are just too amateurish to listen to, though, while Civil War AKA Bargain Basement Sabaton are concentrated cheese.

Imperium are still a disappointment. Having a grandiose historical theme is a cheese prerequisite, but they just waste it on faceless, generic metal. Mind you, Solitary Sabred have generic tacky Priestesque vocals, as well as a name that doesn't make sense. Still more interesting, though, if also quite crap.
 

Lamia020281

Educated Fool
Civil War I found smooth and nice, and very cheesy. Ironsword was a good try, but they didn't beat Civil War in cheesiness.

The beginning of Solitary Sabled was a bit at odds with the subject of the song, in my opinion. Lacked the mysterious sound needed, but that was added at the end of the song. Extra cheese points for some of the cheesy Devils on the video. But, although I'm the only one at this moment in the vote, I still think Imperivm was cheesier.
 

Night Prowler

Customer Deathcycle Manager
Staff member
Civil War song is awesome. Great vocals too. Ironsword is fucking awful and has the worst vocals ever. They are like a mix of Grave Digger's singer and Johan Hegg from Amon Amarth, but super shit.

Both bands from the 2nd pair are absolutely ridiculous... Solitary Sabred is well produced but has annoying vocals. Imperivm has slightly worse production, and kinda blandish vocals, but they aren't trying as hard as SS and are hence less annoying. Cool chorus.
 

Ariana

Black-and-white leopard
Civil War are usually a band I can enjoy, but this particulate song is very much a miss for me. Cheesy as hell, no doubt, but there's no hook in it at all. Also, the presence of Mother Russia in the lyrics is usually a safe bet I'm voting against the song in question. Ironsword, on the other hand, is cheese I feel more like at the moment - stinky, in-your-face, over-the-top creamy slime. Did I go too far?

Solitary Sabred's video is really bad, but the song is at least more interesting than Imperivm's, who fail to impress completely, despite being the more competent and polished band.
 

LooseCannon

Enterprise-class aircraft carrier
Staff member
Civil War ... Great vocals
I'm sorry to hear about your hearing damage. The Civil War vocalist sounds like a shrew being stepped on, and that's his best range. One of the worst vocalists we've ever had. Civil War would be far more palatable if they had someone who could sing without reminding people of the sound metal makes when it tears. Song's fine, but nothing great - they have better stuff. This is decently cheesy I guess, but it makes me a little...uncomfortable.

I agree with @Ariana, IronSword is far more cheesy. Singer's not great, of course, but hey, that's part for the course. Better than the Civil War mouse trying to sing through COVID.

As for match two...

The Solitary Sabred singer's lack of charisma is incredible, he looks like a high school student overreacting to his mom saying no. There are lots of cuts where he's singing other areas of the song, and they just don't want you to notice. Also, that one sword? Clearly, it's the Solitary Sabre, even though...it's not a sabre. It's not a bad song though, just enough on the cheese side of good to be fun.

For Imperivm, the bad cg swords, incredible. The song is better than their previous outings, but the flat singer hurts it. It doesn't seem to have enough cheese in it, either. I can't explain it, but it's a decent outing, but not great. I'll vote for Solitary Sabred.
 

Night Prowler

Customer Deathcycle Manager
Staff member
I'm sorry to hear about your hearing damage. The Civil War vocalist sounds like a shrew being stepped on, and that's his best range. One of the worst vocalists we've ever had. Civil War would be far more palatable if they had someone who could sing without reminding people of the sound metal makes when it tears.
RANF
 

MindRuler

Found in a lost world
I'm sorry to hear about your hearing damage. The Civil War vocalist sounds like a shrew being stepped on, and that's his best range.

The Solitary Sabred singer's lack of charisma is incredible, he looks like a high school student overreacting to his mom saying no.
:lol:
 

Perun

After the war?
Staff member

Elvenking - Elvenlegions
A shoutout goes to the animal wrangler who almost managed to convincingly paste some running CGI wolves on the background of a ruined castle for... reasons.


Serious Black - Burn! Witches Burn!

The theme of this round seems to be burning witches. I didn't even do it on purpose this time. Of course I'm not saying that Cheese Metal needs a greater variety of lyrical themes, because then what would happen to this game?

iu



Brothers of Metal - Hel

I'm impressed. I always thought lyric videos are so popular these days because they are cheap to produce and virtually un-fuckupable, but these guys do a pretty good job at trying to make the lyrics unreadable by means of font size and lack of colour contrast with the background. The world of Cheese never ceases to amaze me.


Kryptos - Afterburner


I genuinely thought that more people would be charmed by the way these Karnatakan warriors try to revive an 80's culture that never existed in their country. I guess that's too subtle for a game in which they are up against a band called Brothers of Metal.
 

LooseCannon

Enterprise-class aircraft carrier
Staff member
Love the fake pipes in the background of the Elvenking song. Pretty standard stuff, some awkward time changes, but the vocalist isn't quite stretching hard enough. This is exactly the sort of band I would expect to see as an opener at my local metal bar (should COVID ever abate). Oh, the instrumental is real nice gouda. It's a tiny bit repetitive, though.

Serious Black is regressing to some not great vocals, but decent music. Not nearly as good as their last offering. Chorus isn't bad, but could have been cheesier if the vocalist pushed it harder (and worse, but hey that's the trade off). Loving the random woman "tied to a stake" as well, so random. Oh they used the name though, that's like an avalanche of queso.

I'll vote Elvenking, but I'm not sold and I could want to change that tomorrow.

=====|----------->

Brothers of Metal is pure refined cheese. This is the sort of stuff that was carefully kept in some French cavern. Worldclass. It's good music, everyone knows their talents, and works to them. The video is really bad though, and that's saying something. Honestly, I'd like to see this band live. Or any band. Or anyone, really. Please?

For who Kryptos are, and what they represent, they're impressive, and I want to give them credit for trying to create a thrash scene in India. And it's perfectly good. But Brothers of Metal just obliterate here.
 

Brigantium

General of the Dark Army
Staff member
As Tarja Turunenninennenan will tell you, you can't go wrong with elf stuff. Except you can. Elvenwhatever don't manage to carry this off with as much gravity as they'd maybe hope for, which does make for cheesy. I liked Serious Black's first entry, the second was meh. This was quite enjoyable, though, if very Napalm Records looking/sounding. I know I should vote for Elventhingy, but actually, I could cope with more Serious Black, so they get my vote.

Wow, Kryptos deserve the Trying Too Hard Award for that video. They're actually not cheesy, though, they're a decent band. Meanwhile, this is the most respectable entry from Brothers of Metal yet. If I'd never seen the Yggdrasil video, I'd think they were quite good and not the types to serve up an entire smorgasbord of cheese of a pungency to rival fermented herrings. Still got to go for Brothers of Metal, I know what they're capable of.
 

Night Prowler

Customer Deathcycle Manager
Staff member
First pair: both bands mediocre but Serious Black have Urban Breed on vocals so that gets them my vote.

Second pair: Brothers of Metal, despite stupid off-putting band name, are probably the best band in the game. Kryptos are shit.
 

Ariana

Black-and-white leopard
Hmm, a witch that summons animals by her side or a witch in black lacy lingerie who's done nothing wrong... I'm the wrong audience for the latter, so I'm voting for Elvenking. They should win simply on the cheese merit of the singer's mic stand, anyway.

While the fermented ripe milk of Brothers of Metal is impossible to ignore, like the smell of an old sock tossed under your bed after a heavy running session months ago, it's just not up to my taste. Despite being less cheesy, I enjoy Kryptos a lot.
 

Lamia020281

Educated Fool
I really like witches, and also videos made in the style of the first two contestants, so I enjoyed those a lot. The Elvenking video especially was really impressive, and the band members were good-looking, so I got carried away and almost forgot to listen to the actual song. Which in this case also tells that the song was actually not that memorable. The witch on the Serious Black video, perfectly prepared to be burned at stake in her sexy black bra, reminded me of when my friend once wondered why superwomen in comics that get into fights always have their tops torn right in the middle of the chest area. Anyways, Serious Black was cheesier, because of the spoken part for example.

I thought a description of an underworld was a bit stupid subject for a song, but it turns out the Brothers of Metal lyrics were actually quite impressive and touching. Almost had tears in my eyes as I was listening to the story. Although "Brothers of Metal" really is a very cheesy name for a band. Kryptos was different from much of the cheesy stuff I'd heard so far, but in its own league, it really was quite corny. Especially the performance of the singer in the video, and the very final frame in it.
 
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