Mental Health Thread

Do you fear death, dying, etc.?

  • Yes

    Votes: 12 23.1%

  • No

    Votes: 21 40.4%

  • Trying my best to not think about it

    Votes: 15 28.8%

  • Never really thought about it and I'm unable to come up with an answer on a spot

    Votes: 4 7.7%
  • Total voters
    52
I don’t want to be miserable but I have some problems. I’m waking up feeling anxious and depressed and carry that mood with me for most of the day. I wish I saw the bright side of life more but I collapse internally at every little challenge life sets on my way. Yet, I’ve challenged myself to do things that most people wouldn’t do. In June, I went backpacking from Portugal to Spain alone. But it’s like a distant memory now and somehow everybody else’s life seems more interesting and meaningful. My point is that whatever challenges I set myself don’t bring me any long-term fulfillment because I keep missing something else. Little everyday tasks are so much harder, I don’t want to talk to people much because I think they won’t understand me anyway etc.
 
Saapanael said:
somehow everybody else’s life seems more interesting and meaningful
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It's not. I think that's the main thing you need to realize. Wether it's people on social media or some celebrity... it's not. People on social media post what they want you see, they don't post their own misery, and no matter how "interesting" or "cool" a celebrity's life appears, remember all the shit Brittney Spear has gone through and still does. How BOTH the Backstreet Boys and Nsync were scammed by their own manager, the awful downward spirals Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan went through. Even if their lives aren't horror shows and have an "ok" life... it's just that, an ok life, just like yours.

We have enough to worry about with our own lives and problems, we literally don't have time to worry about others supposed success or failures. You do you, and that's it.
 
Onhell said:
It's not. I think that's the main thing you need to realize. Wether it's people on social media or some celebrity... it's not. People on social media post what they want you see, they don't post their own misery, and no matter how "interesting" or "cool" a celebrity's life appears, remember all the shit Brittney Spear has gone through and still does. How BOTH the Backstreet Boys and Nsync were scammed by their own manager, the awful downward spirals Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan went through. Even if their lives aren't horror shows and have an "ok" life... it's just that, an ok life, just like yours.

We have enough to worry about with our own lives and problems, we literally don't have time to worry about others supposed success or failures. You do you, and that's it.
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I guess I just often feel left alone and don't know how I could break through, exchange meaningful ideas and make myself heard. I know everybody's life is challenging but there are greater things to experience out there, like falling in love, and that makes me wonder what it is about me that makes me so incompatible with others.
 
It gets bad at night. I can’t sleep, I’m tired, bored and sad. What am I supposed to do? Finding a high place to jump down from is the only idea I can come up with. There is one close to my home, a ski tower. A 16-year-old boy once jumped down from it, his coach found his body the next morning. I read that he had planned his suicide in advance and had “made peace” with his fate before he made the final step. He was a quiet kid, but didn’t do well at school, probably because he didn’t care anymore. My thoughts often lead to him and make me wonder what it would feel like to follow his steps and climb up there. I’m so tired of everything.
 
Mate, that's not good. Don't succumb to it, it's a lie, really. If you're taking meds, maybe try switching them or if you're not on any, maybe consider it? Anti-depressants can balance a lot, you should breathe more freely and get out of the cage - but they usually take some time to hit, sometimes weeks, so the sooner you start taking them, the better - you will feel better sooner rather than later.

However, in any case if you have these bad moments and it would seem like you wanted to really do something inherently unwise, just like you mention, please, do me a favour and call any helpline you must have in your country (I know we do and we're, like, Eastern Europe anyway). At least give someone a chance to talk you out of it, please. There is a beauty that you have yet to see. You may be tired now, but when we're tired, we need a temporary rest, not an utter cancellation.
 
JudasMyGuide said:
Mate, that's not good. Don't succumb to it, it's a lie, really. If you're taking meds, maybe try switching them or if you're not on any, maybe consider it? Anti-depressants can balance a lot, you should breathe more freely and get out of the cage - but they usually take some time to hit, sometimes weeks, so the sooner you start taking them, the better - you will feel better sooner rather than later.

However, in any case if you have these bad moments and it would seem like you wanted to really do something inherently unwise, just like you mention, please, do me a favour and call any helpline you must have in your country (I know we do and we're, like, Eastern Europe anyway). At least give someone a chance to talk you out of it, please. There is a beauty that you have yet to see. You may be tired now, but when we're tired, we need a temporary rest, not an utter cancellation.
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If things ever get so far, I’ll call the local suicide hotline. As for meds, I’m not taking any but I think I should.
 
So for the past week I've had my Holy Dragon's Mp3 cd playing in my car, because I felt like listening to some cool Russian power metal, Specially their song "The Last Day of Life" on their Wolves of Odin Cd... fucking brilliant. They have been my only respite from a tough last couple of days.

Nothing really new has developed and in a way that is part of why I got into this really deep melancholy. I've been working a night schedule for a little over a month now and I feel the isolation is getting to me. Even though my nights off are Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I find myself spending them home. There are only so many crappy late-night Japanese movies you can take. After watching Godzilla beat a giant cockroach once the others lose their novelty.

Because I work nights at my full-time job I'm alone for 8 hours of my 10 hour shift, only when we staff and go over the communication log do I get my socialization fix. When I come home it is most of the same, my mom is asleep or at work, and I find a note on my place mat to update me on what has been going on... great a communication log at home too is what comes to mind. My nights off resemble my usual working shift, my mom goes to bed and I stay up, I do rounds making sure lights are off and doors are locked, do laundry, but I don't usually sweep and mop ( hehe). Then I do bed checks, I find my mom asleep on her recliner chair with a pile of mail on her lap and I wake her up so she can get to bed. What breaks the monotony is the same thing in both arenas, reading and music, but that too gets tiring after a while. I've taken up midnight walks and hanging out at 24 hour diners when I have an extra buck for some coffee.

Yesterday the loneliness really got to me. I began to personalize it and wonder why, despite my three jobs, having so much free time I spent a big bulk of it alone? Sure intellectual pursuits are interesting to me and some not so intellectual like finding a correlation between PMS and the werewolf myth (still working on that one...), sure part of what I like about my free time is having time to myself and following up on things that had to be placed in the back burner because of school. But boy did it begin to suck to realize that my life is slowly becoming nothing but work.

I did my best to try and keep busy on my last shift as I was feeling sorry for myself. I was allowed to go home early do to shaving hours because of a couple of training session that I must attend. That was a good thing since my boss from my DJing job needed me to bring in the equipment for inventory reasons. So I go to my mom's work to switch cars (she's the one with the SUV) and as I'm turning my car off the song coming out of the speakers is one of the few Holy Dragon tunes in English, "Sorry Mama." My first thoughts were how similar it was to Ozzy Osbourne's "Mamma, I'm coming Home" and I left it at that. I leave on a soft rock station for my mom's ride home and take off. I load and take the equipment over for it to get inventoried. I'm falling asleep because by the time we're done it's 3pm (my 3am) and I simply hop into bed as soon as I get home.

When I wake up that night my mom is in the kitchen and we start having a nice little chat over nothing in particular. Then she tells me that what she feared would happen happened. I thought it might be some big crisis like she lost the house to the bank do to not paying the mortgage, or that she had gotten fired or anything around those lines. instead she tells me, "you forgot to give me back my shampoo and when I needed it tonight I had to get out of the shower to get it, because you were asleep." I laughed, because honestly that is a very amusing ordeal at least in hindsight. Since money is a little tight and when doing groceries we only get essentials at the time of the last big purchase my shampoo didn't make the list, I merely borrowed hers. My mother however, was not laughing. I encouraged her to make light of the situation, but she insisted that it was nothing to make light of. I told her that it was just shampoo and she went off on how it was an inconvenience to her to have had to get out of the shower to get it. I, however insisted that the world wouldn't come to an end because of that. I told her that considering all our other problems, making such a big deal out of shampoo was rather childish and frankly a waste of time and energy. That only made her more mad...

"That's exactly why! Because on top of all the problems I already have the LAST thing I need is for you to add another problem however small it might be. You are never home, your jeans are still on the couch and who knows how much longer they'll actually stay there, you sweep and mop whenever you feel like it and you just don't care about what happens around here."

"Hold on just a second, who says I don't care? If I didn't care I wouldn't be here. I don't have to be here, I can have my own apartment and only visit you on the weekend or not at all if I felt like it. I'm paying your utilities so you don't have too, I'm getting that leaky faucet fixed as soon as I get paid again so you don't have to worry about it."

"Money is not the only thing that solves problems."

"It's solves our problems. What are our problems? moneyproblems. we owe people: mortgage, car payments, credit cards, lawyer fees and we're still paying moving fees. We have a strong and loving family, there are no issues between us, we don't have to work on strengthening familial bonds or dealing with repressed issues. our problems are material."

"It's not just material, you don't get it, you borrowing my shampoo and not giving it back is a big deal."

"Good lord, no it's not, it is just shampoo, not paying your mortgage, however is a huge deal."

"I don't care if I lose the house! it would just be something less to worry about."

"In that case you shouldn't even begin to worry over your shampoo."

"you don't get it"

"Only too well I'm afraid."

"No you don't, I'm tired of dealing with crap no matter how small, I'm old, I shouldn't have to work as hard at this point in my life, I came here to build a retirement for myself, and i don't see when I can even START to do that. Time is running out for me and I'm just fed up." At this point I smiled, not because watching my mom struggle through tears to tell me this brought me joy, but because I knew all along it was not about the shampoo at all, it was just the tip of a very troubling ice burgh which was coming to the surface. My mom was tired and annoyed that she was not young enough to deal with the huge load of crap life had dumped on her at this stage.

That was very heartbreaking for me, because my mom has always been and of course still is a strong woman that no matter what happens she always finds a way to pull through. I reminded her how nothing has really changed for her, from the time she had to leave her small hometown in Chihuahua, because a flood had destroyed the family crops, to her divorce and ultimately coming here... it has been a constant struggle. That's life and that she always found a way to look towards a brighter future and worked to make it happen

"No, no, that was different. Those struggles helped shape me, forge character, this is different"

"Mom, all pain and suffering, regardless at what stage in life are character forming and should be faced the same way."

"No, I'm too old for it now."

Oddly, again, this made me feel much better. Not because I enjoy other people's misery, but because it reminded me why I'm working three jobs*, why I really haven't felt like going out much, even if I later feel lonely. The most important thing to me is my family and I want to help them. I also realized I needed to start taking care of a larger share of responsibility that were I living in my own apartment I really didn't need to address immediately. I keep talking about the wonders of adulthood, no school, no homework, time to pursue personal interests and being able to live without having to depend on anyone. But I decided to forgo that last freedom to help out my mom and I forgot about the responsibilities that entailed.

I eventually apologized about the shampoo, and I have the feeling my mom still thinks our argument ultimately was about that and nothing else, but I feel it was about so much more. It reminded me of the promise I had made myself to help out as best I could whether with pseudo therapy and promoting a good venting here and there, or like taking care of some financial responsibilities. We all wonder what our purpose in life is and we search for meaning in our lives and I remembered mine.

As I left for work I turned on my car and from the speakers once again Holy Dragon's "Sorry Mama" came pouring through... This time I didn't think of Ozzy though, just Shampoo.

I was feeling a bit... Nostalgic recently and started reading through old threads and for the most part it was very funny, we have a great community here. But I also bumped into the thread in spoiler tags above (for space). It's there for whoever wants to read the whole thing, but in short, my mom broke down, because I took her shampoo and I hadn't returned it. Turns out she was tired of just problems in general. At the time she was 62. She is now 78.

I mention this, because she is currently looking to buy a bigger house where she can have everything on the bottom floor when she eventually can't safely walk up and down stairs on her own. When I asked her what she wanted to do with her current home she said she wanted to rent it out. I asked her if she was sure she wanted the responsibility and STRESS of being a landlady. "Yeah, why not?" I told her the myriad of things that could go wrong with a tenant and if she wanted to deal with that at her age. "Well, you're going over worst case scenarios, I'd still like to try." I related the story from the thread above and how at 62, she broke down, because of shampoo and lamented she was too old for all that stress and here she is... At 78... wanting to take on the role of landlady. She became upset and said, "Oh yeah? Well I also remember you storming in here and yelling at me to fuck off and that you didn't want anything to do with me or my money." "What? What does that have to do with what we're discussing now?" "Well, if YOU are going to throw that in my face I can throw that in yours." Clearly she didn't understand my point, that she doesn't handle stressful situations well anymore and that instead of scaling back she seems to want to take on more. My brother intervened and told us both to drop it.

I went home. The incident she is referring to was when she insulted my then GF (current ex living in the U.S), and I had enough. Yes, I went into her house and told her, didn't yell, to yeah, pretty much fuck off. My ex insisted for close to a year that I take the high road and try and make amends. It wasn't until my Uncle, my mother's oldest brother, passed away that the opportunity presented itself to do just that. We sat down and talked about EVERYTHING. I'm not going to rehash that here since I believe it is actually in this same thread somewhere, but long story short we cleared the air and moved on. Or so I thought. Her bringing it up like that was a wake up call. She's immature, vindictive and holds on to grudges. Things are only fine as long as they serve her.

By chance I happened upon an article talking about the trauma people carry when raised by narcissistic parents. It was like looking in a mirror, nothing is ever good enough, you find comfort in chaotic or even toxic relationships, huge issues of inadequacy and low self-esteem, hyper independence and self-reliance etc. I realized the best thing I could do is just no longer interact with my mother and to stop receiving things from her. For example, when my brother and I go visit on weekends she tells us to order some food and that she'll pay for it or ever since we had supposedly made amends she asks me what I want for my bday or Christmas. At first I said, nothing. My ex told me that if that was something she wanted to do to let her and not say no. So I did, that's how I ended up with a computer desk, a new TV, etc. But last week's interaction made me realize that has to stop. Anything she does is calculated and for control. I seriously feel dirty having accepted the things I already have. What makes it worse is that instead of being able to rely on family for support I, like the article said, feel like I can only rely on myself. For example, I want to sell my car, because it's become nothing but problems and needless expenses. I figured that when I needed to do a big trip for groceries or get my 20 liter water jugs filled I could borrow her car. Well, now I know I can't do that and have to figure out a way to be able to do groceries and fill the water jugs on my own or not sell my car after all.

It also made me realize how alone I really am. When things are fine I don't notice nor care. I like being by myself in my house and not go out, but I really needed to talk to somebody and had no one. My closest friends haven't been very reliable in recent years and are in a different country anyway, the ones I've made here are fairly busy or have their own drama and I didn't feel comfortable dumping my shit on them. I need more friends and I need to get out more. "I can't afford it," is a shitty excuse at this point.

The rest of that day I was fuming, just sat on my couch watching Youtube. The next day I went to work and as soon as I interacted with my coworkers and started teaching class I felt sooo much better. I'm glad I have good coworkers and I enjoy what I do, a true luxury. I was able to let it go. Later that week my mom called me as though nothing had happened and if I wanted to go see another house with her, I agreed. Things seemed to be back to normal, but I knew they weren't.

My ex called me today and caught me up on how things are with her. She's doing much better, she likes it in Texas, and is actually enjoying herself. She still has the occasional break down, she told me she has her biweekly cry sessions, but we had a laugh about it. When she asked, "So how are things with you," I couldn't help it. I told her about it and just broke down. She told me she understood my situation as she had seen it first hand when we were together. She told me I should've called her and I said I didn't want to bother her as she was already dealing with culture shock, and adjusting to everything. She said, "I know, but still, you've listened to me, I'm here for you in the same way."

I told her what I already mentioned, that I need more friends and that I was considering taking up a coworker on an invite. Her birthday is Christmas Day and that she wanted to go to Denny's for her free meal, she invited the coworkers that were currently in the teacher's lounge and they all said it was a good idea. I think I should go. Again, making friends at 40 isn't exactly easy and it takes deliberate effort. But it being on Christmas Day I know my mom won't be happy about me leaving for a while just to go "hang out" with "some friends." But honestly, my sanity comes first at this point.

And that's kinda where I'm at. I feel a lot better, but it's far from over and it's far from ok. But I feel good just having a game plan as to how to proceed. I told my ex it is fucking tricky, because the healthiest thing I can do is just not have contact with my mom anymore, but at the same time she's old and only has my brother and I, so ZERO contact isn't possible. I've chosen to minimize it as much as I can and prioritize my wellbeing, We'll see how it goes.
 
This morning, I wrote and sent out my bills for October, for the freelance job I officially do "on the side", but which in the last two months has in fact been my main job. I was looking forward to doing this, because never in my life have I made so much money in such a short span of time, but more importantly, I thought it was like closure to a highly intense period that really did stress me out.
When I wrote the bills and listed each gig that I'd been doing, I got emotional flashbacks to the moments when I was inside this whole thing, which ended a week ago, when I had been planning out my weeks, seeing that I'd be on my feet for ten to twelve hours for days on end, and all that.
As I reflected on this, I noticed that for the past few days, I heard a lot from people how relaxed and happy I look. And I realised that not just for the past month, but for the past two years, I'd been getting concerned looks and statements about how tired and exhausted I seemed all the time, to the point where I started laughing it off and saying "that's just what I look like".
In the last two years, I had a project job (which ended in March this year) that stressed me out to no end, that involved a measure of responsibility I had not had to take before and did not enjoy, that regularly meant ten or more hours work days. During this time and after, I had to do an enormous amount of networking which, as an introvert, I did not enjoy - but I had to get my name out there and make good impressions. I finished my doctoral dissertation. I watched my dad die and had to start taking care of my mum. I learned you can have stress-induced blackouts, and significant patches of these last two years are wiped from my memory. I told people while I was going through this that I just hope I'm going to come home from the war soon.
Now that this is over and everything has gone to reasonable levels, and I have the perspective that it will stay this way for a while, I dropped the war metaphor and now just feel like I crawled out of a long, dark tunnel. I never thought I'd ever say something like "I'm starting to feel like myself again."
 
I think people get confused between being unhappy and being depressed. At the minute i am unhappy and very frustrated. Married life with kids is a struggle. My wife and i both work from home and i very very rarely if at all get a minute to myself alone. My wife never goes out and if she does she wants me with her. She hates me going out without her and i feel bad doing so. I maybe go for a drink with friends once every few months if i can afford it. I feel strangled and just need some me time. Even if my wife goes out without me, one of the kids is always here. She moans if i do go out but i dont stop her doing anything on her own, its just she doesnt want to. Money is a struggle and ive hated every job ive ever had. Just a few hrs on my own having beer and listening to some music or something once month i think would help but theres no chance of that.

On top of that my ps4, guitar and cd player have all broken recently and i cant afford to replace them right now so i cant even partake in my hobbies.

Its all circumstantial, but i feel trapped and bored shiteless with life.
 
Christopher Baines said:
I think people get confused between being unhappy and being depressed. At the minute i am unhappy and very frustrated. Married life with kids is a struggle. My wife and i both work from home and i very very rarely if at all get a minute to myself alone. My wife never goes out and if she does she wants me with her. She hates me going out without her and i feel bad doing so. I maybe go for a drink with friends once every few months if i can afford it. I feel strangled and just need some me time. Even if my wife goes out without me, one of the kids is always here. She moans if i do go out but i dont stop her doing anything on her own, its just she doesnt want to. Money is a struggle and ive hated every job ive ever had. Just a few hrs on my own having beer and listening to some music or something once month i think would help but theres no chance of that.

On top of that my ps4, guitar and cd player have all broken recently and i cant afford to replace them right now so i cant even partake in my hobbies.

Its all circumstantial, but i feel trapped and bored shiteless with life.
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That sounds like something you should talk about with your wife.
 
Not about chucking her out of the house, but about needing your me time. It's very important. My brother and his wife were having a similar issue, where she NEEDS her gym time and her MMA classes and to go out with friends, but god forbid my brother had some time to himself. Finally he put his foot down and he has at least one day a week to himself.

It's not about being selfish or inconsiderate, it's about having your basic needs met. More than unhappy you sound VERY stressed, so yes, you need an outlet even if it means being able to go for a walk by yourself.
 
Mine she gives me a lot of support and a lot of freedom, to the point that she told me if you are ever tired just tell me and I will let you alone for as long as you need, inside me I was like wuhuuuu but outside I managed to keep poker face as it could be a trap after all :D
 
____no5 said:
Mine she gives me a lot of support and a lot of freedom, to the point that she told me if you are ever tired just tell me and I will let you alone for as long as you need, inside me I was like wuhuuuu but outside I managed to keep poker face as it could be a trap after all :D
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women are hard to understand at times. Mine i was mine would even just let have a nap when i want.
 
Christopher Baines said:
women are hard to understand at times. Mine i was mine would even just let have a nap when i want.
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Was she always like this? This level of clingy-ness is born of insecurities. I dated a gal once who would go out with her friends, but if I had a guys' night she wanted to come. I'd ask, "Are you sure? It's just my nerdy friends and we're going to play a Seinfeld board game." "Yeah I'm sure," Then she'd be bored out of her mind. It's like, I don't know who hurt you before, but damn, sometimes when a guy says he's going out with friends he's just going out with friends.
 
Ever since I started taking an antidepressant, I feel like I’ve been more at ease generally. I don’t end up completely at my wit’s end so often, and I worry less. Emotions do catch up sometimes, though. I’m lying in bed right now, and have unusually little urge to get out. I had a really strange dream about things that I thought I had long forgotten and it put me into a weird state. I want to say I’ve been lying to myself and this realisation is causing the weirdness. Good enough start to admit your own faults, I guess, but suddenly everything seems very pointless. I’m sure I’ll get over it, just a different kind of day today.
 
Saapanael said:
Ever since I started taking an antidepressant, I feel like I’ve been more at ease generally. I don’t end up completely at my wit’s end so often, and I worry less. Emotions do catch up sometimes, though. I’m lying in bed right now, and have unusually little urge to get out. I had a really strange dream about things that I thought I had long forgotten and it put me into a weird state. I want to say I’ve been lying to myself and this realisation is causing the weirdness. Good enough start to admit your own faults, I guess, but suddenly everything seems very pointless. I’m sure I’ll get over it, just a different kind of day today.
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Good and days and bad. Hopefully you having more good than bad. Ive tried antidepressants before and they do 'stablise' you mood. I just didnt want to rely on them all the time
 
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