I'm tired of everything.
I wish I could just move far away from here where no one knows me and snooze everyone that I know for a year.
I kinda did that. If you have real options in terms of moving as in having the money and employment options, I say go for it.
I'm at an odd place at the moment. My now ex moved out about a month ago. It was as mutual a break up as it can be. She got a job offer in the U.S and she'd be stupid not to take it. Since I met her she wanted to leave Mexico, she didn't care where. She was looking at France or Canada, with the U.S being her last option, but a good opportunity came up and she took it. I can't go due to family (my mom is almost 80) and work. So we decided to just end it.
What I'm trying to say is, finding one's place on this rock isn't easy. I moved back to Mexico and found my dream job, but I wouldn't have been able to get it had I not spent 16 years in the States. My GF and I broke up, because now she's pursuing her dream. When the idea first came up she wanted me to go with her and I told her "no." I explained I was living my dream and that she needed to chase hers and she couldn't let anything or anybody get in the way of that. Prioritizing yourself isn't always easy and feelings will be hurt, friends and loved ones will be left behind, and until you do it you'll never know if it's what you needed.
I say this, because again, I'm aware moving... leaving it all behind, is a luxury and it doesn't always turn out as expected. When my mother and I left for the U.S it was 16 years of living paycheck to paycheck, feeling unsafe and out of place with a lot of uncertainty. But for many others it is the promised land they thought it would be. To me, that promised land was moving back. Now, as I told LC years ago, by every objective measure I am poor, BUT, I have a roof over my head, I have modern luxuries like high-speed internet, a gaming console, kitchen appliances and my fridge is full with food. My needs are met and I love my job. I am content.
I have a new existential problem, fear of death, but not my own, my loved ones. A year ago one of my dogs passed away unexpectedly and it traumatized me. I still play the "what if" game. Had I done x or y maybe he'd still be alive. I still dream with him and thinking about him still tears up my eyes and I get a lump in my throat. Now I'm hypervigilant with my other dog, paranoid she'll die out of nowhere too. That has extended to, if I don't hear from my mom in 48 hours I think she's dropped dead too. I get super anxious. I need to get back to therapy to work on that, As soon as the semester starts I'll go back to the ones available through work.