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A man gets home late at night and tells his wife: "Tonight I want to try something I have never tried before." The woman gets all happy and excited but the man continues: "Get your clothes off". So the woman does. "Stand in front of the mirror!", he commands. "Oh my god, this is getting better and better", the woman thinks and does just as he tells her. Then the man tells her: "Stand on your hands and spread your legs!". The woman does so, the man puts his face between her legs and says:
"Do I look good with a beard?"
 
Somebody put a cat in my microwave.

Now everything tastes like pussy.
 
A guy caught a golden fish. The fish spoke to him: "Let me go and I'll make two wishes of yours come true". The guy thought for a while and said: " I want to be slim and I want to get inside ladies' pants easily."

So the golden fish turned him into a tampon.
 
Two bananas are lying on a riverbank when a turd goes floating by. The turd yells to the bananas, "hey guys, come on in, the water feels great!"
One banana looks at the other banana and says,

"Do you believe that shit?"
 
An airplane is about to crash and a female passenger jumps up and shouts: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothes and asks: "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says:
"Here, iron this!"
 
A man and a woman sneak out of a party and get into the woods where it's completely dark and no one will be able to see them. They get on the ground and get down to business. In a while, the man sits up and says: "Damn! I wish I had a flashlight." The woman says: "Me too. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes."
 
Today a woman got breast implants made of wood. A punchline here would be funny...

Wooden tit?
 
A very drunk guy walks home from the pub in the early morning. He walks through a park and sees a man doing push-ups in the grass. He shouts: "Hey man! You can stop now. The chick's gone!"
 
"Is it OK to have sex with your wife?"
"Of course it is!"
"Thank God, and I thought you'd kill me!"
 
I'm running out of jokes.

A guy sits in a pub and watches as hot chicks come in, pass him by and walk to a table in the corner, where this really ugly guy is sitting. "What the hell?", the man thinks. "Why do they go to him, he looks terrible!" So he decides to ask the bartender: "Do you know him? What does he have to attract them so much?" The bartender says:
"I have no idea, he just sits there licking his eyebrows"
 
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