Lame and not so lame jokes

I think that one probably killed the thread for a while, Conor.

Anyway, here's one my friend told me about.  F'ing hilarious.

If Jesus did standup....

'I was performing my water into wine routine the other day at the dinner table, just for a few laughs, when this leper shambles up to me.
"HOLY SHIT, MAN! DONT TOUCH MY HANDS!" I exclaim.
But it was too late. After much debate, we decided to mop him up instead of drinking him because we weren't too sure whether we would catch leprosy and it was better not to take the risk.'
 
Four married guys go fishing

After an hour, the following conversation took  place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy:  "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when  they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked  him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Forth guy: "I just  set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."
A couple that have been emailed to me lately.

At a French airport a group of Canadian retired teachers in France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, was part of the tour group.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible!" barked the officer. "Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in France."

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.  He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.  So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

Oh, I don't know" says the guy. "How about, nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.  "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
 
A little kid to his mother...

-Moooooooom! they guys at the school keep calling me John!

And the mother replies...













-Shut up John
 
-An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. visa.





Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz.
Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week.
Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels.
Consul : Holy cow !
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too !!!!
Consul : Man ........ isn't it hostile ?
Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style.
Consul : Oh..........dear !
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast !
 
My dad told me this joke quite a while back. Not very nice, but, funny  :bigsmile: :

While Jesus was on the cross, he shouted down to his disciples, "Don't you be eating my eater eggs! I'll be back on Sunday!"

:lol:
 
Bump. :D

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet-shop and told the pet-shop owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.  So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"


A little voice came out of the box:...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F***ing shoes on."
 
Albie said:
Bump. :D

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet-shop and told the pet-shop owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.  So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"


A little voice came out of the box:...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F***ing shoes on."
Click to expand...

:ok:

A turd and a wig walk into a bar.  The turd asks the barman for two pints, to which the barman replies, 'Sorry mate, but I'm not serving you.'  When the turd asked why, he replied....


...'Well, you're steaming and your mate's off his head!' :D
 
An old man has fallen seriously ill and has been in hospital for the past month. His caring wife goes to visit him every day. One day, when his wife is there, he gives her a signal to come closer and whispers: "Darling, come here. I want to tell you something".

"Yes of course, anything" she says.

"The day I lost my job and became bankrupt, you were there for me. The day I crashed my car and broke my legs, you were there. When I got beaten up badly in the steet, you were there. When I got an electric shock from the toaster, you were by my side. When I had a heart attack last summer, you were also there." He sobs. "And now when I'm old and ill, you are by my side every day."

"So what did you want to tell me honey?" his wife asks with tears in her eyes.

"I think you're bad luck. I want to get divorced."
 
A man returns home after a real hard day at work.  He enters the bedroom where he finds his wife dressed in extremely sexy clothes.  She tells him:"  Come on honey,  I want to have sex 50 times with you ".  Although typically an offer he wouldn't want to refuse,  he was too exhausted and replies: "  Honey,  couldn't we do this some other time?  It's been a really tiring day...".  She refuses though,  and insists.  The husband tells her they could try tomorrow,  but she threatens to divorce him if he doesn't comply. 

So,  our hero undresses himself,  and starts his "work".  5 times... 10 times....  He can't go further.  "Please,  honey,  couldn't we continue tomorrow?"  he asks,  but his wife won't listen.  15....20...35....40...45... 50 times and the martyrdom is over. 

The next day,  the wife notices that her husband is still snoring in the bedroom,  and she thinks she should at least make a really nice breakfast,  in order to thank him for last night.  Our hero (and what a hero :P) wakes up after a considerable amount of time,  pale,  grim,  doesn't say a word to his wife who greets him with a big kiss,  and heads off to the bathroom.  5...10....20....45 minutes have passed and the guy still won't come out.  "What on earth is he doing" the wife thinks to herself and decides to look through the key lock.  So,  she sees her husband who has his willy out,  caressing it and saying "don't worry,  it's just a piss"...
 
Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco’s.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??




Hey don't blame me, I just pass these little gems on as and when I receive them. :D
 
The funniest thing about this was that a work colleague has a kennels and supplies me with my dog food. Today he delivered my latest batch - 15 kilos of kibble. So, as I lumped it over my shoulder to take it to my car, someone actually said - "food for the dog, eh?"

If only I could have remembered the above I would have said it all - so I just forwarded the email onto her instead.
 
Two chocolate bars are lying on a wall. Suddenly, the wind blows them down.

The first bar shouts: "Damn, I think I broke two ribs!"
The second bar replies: "Lucky bastard. I fell straight on my nuts!"
 
Perun said:
Two chocolate bars are lying on a wall. Suddenly, the wind blows them down.

The first bar shouts: "Damn, I think I broke two ribs!"
The second bar replies: "Lucky bastard. I fell straight on my nuts!"
Click to expand...

I think that one falls clearly into the former category of jokes. :P

Aer Lingus flight 307, with Capt. Paddy O'Reilly and Co-pilot Sean Murphy in the cockpit, is beginning its final approach into Dublin International Airport.  Paddy says to his co-pilot, 'Ahh, Sean, I don't know about this.  We haven't got much runway to work with.'

The co-pilot responds, 'Ok, Paddy.  I'll pray to the Virgin Mary for us.'

The captain instructs, 'Okay, Sean.  As soon as we touch down, I want you to slam on the brakes, and pray to God with all your soul.'

'Right you are, Paddy'.

The aircraft touches the tarmac.  The brakes slam down, and the plane brakes so suddenly that the tires begin to shred.  The plane eventually comes to a full stop on the grass, just beside the runway.

'Jesus,' exclaims Paddy, 'That was too fucking close.  That has to be the shortest runway I've ever landed on.'

'Yeah, right you are,' replies Sean, looking out the side window, '...and the fucking widest, too'.

:P
 
A Russian man is walking along the street and kicks an old pot/lantern and Lo' Behold! a Genie comes out (of course).

Genie says "I shall grant you one wish for freeing me"

The man thinks for a moment and then tells the Genie he would like to be able to piss Vodka.

"Your wish is granted!" and with a Poof! the Genie disappears.

Man goes home and decides to test his wish. So he goes out to the backyard, takes a pee and has a taste. Sure enough, it's pure and very good Vodka, with quite a kick.

So the man goes back inside, takes 2 glasses, sets them on the kitchen table, and starts to pee in to them.

Just then his wife comes home and to her dismay finds her husband standing on the Kitchen table peeing in to a couple of glasses.

"What the *$@^ do you think you are doing?"

The man replies "Just have a drink, you'll see."

"No bloody way" his wife screams.

So the man gets down, picks up a glass and proceeds to throw it all back, ending with a satisfied sigh.

Upon seeing this, the wife decides to try the other glass, and discovers Vodka. The pair then proceed to get absolutely drunk.

This continues for several nights.

Then one night the man comes home and puts only one glass on the table, pisses in to it and starts to drink.

His wife walks in and asks where her pour is?

"Stuff you", the man says "You're drinking from the bottle tonight!"
 
I just went through this thread again and I can't believe I didn't tell this one yet.

Three Englishmen walk into a pub and see a Paddy. The English get pissed and decide to have some fun with the Irish.
The first one walks up to him and says: "St Patrick was gay!"
Indifferently, the Paddy replies: "Wow, I didn't know that."
The Englishman is startled and walks back to his mates.
The second bloke decides he'll give it a try and walks up to the Paddy, saying: "St Patrick was a fucking transvestite!"
Apathetic, the Paddy replies: "Amazing. You learn something new every day."
The bloke is completely puzzled and walks back to his mates. The third Englishman calls them amateurs and tells them to watch and learn as he goes to the Paddy, saying: "St Patrick was an Englishman!"
The Paddy replies: "Yeah, your mates already told me."
 
A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

:innocent:
 
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