Lame and not so lame jokes

A husband and wife go to their favourite restaurant together. They are immediately seated and after a short wait the waiter comes to take their order. The man orders first. He says, "I'll have the steak." The waiter, now somewhat shocked, says to the man, "But sir, what about the mad cow?" The man replies, "She can order for herself."
 
There's this bloke sitting on a bridge in Belfast about to jump into the raging torrent below, as a passer-by tries to talk to him:
-What's your name?
-Simpson
-What's your first name?
-That is my first name
-You Catholic or Protestant?
-Protestant
-No kidding? Me too. Church of Ireland, Presbyterian or Methodist?
-Presbyterian
-Amazing,so am I. Free Presbyterian, Orthodox or Congregationalist?
-Orthodox
-Oh my Lord, this is uncanny. Subscribing or Non Subscribing?
-Non Subscribing
-I don't believe this. Heidelberg Catechism or Helvetic Confession?
-Heidelberg
-Absolutely incredible. Book of Common Order 1749 or Westminster Directory of 1774?
-Book of Common Order
-Jump, you fucking heathen
 
A priest is walking by a stream to his church one day and happens to see a man catch a very large fish. He walks up and remarks how fortunate of a catch it is to the man. The man replies, "Yes Sir, that's one big sumbitch ain't it?" The priest, shocked, answers "Sir, I am a man of the cloth; I don't think that kind of language is very appropriate." The man apologizes, explaining to the priest that the name of the type of fish he caught is actually "sumbitch", however, he feels so bad about offending the priest that he gives him the fish.

When the priest arrives at the church the bishop is there to great him. He sees the fish the priest is carrying and remarks on how nice it looks. The priest replies "Yes, this is certainly a nice sumbitch isn't it?" Of course, the bishop is now shocked as well, remarking "Father, we are holy men! Where have you picked up such foul language?" The priest explains to the bishop the misunderstanding with the fish's name and they share a laugh together. The bishop informs the priest that the Pope will be visiting their church tonight for dinner and offers to cook the fish for him as a special surprise.

At the dinner table that evening, the priest and the Pope are sitting, enjoying a nice conversation when the bishop walks in with the freshly prepared fish. The priest remarks to the Pope, "There's the sumbitch now, I think you will enjoy this Your Holiness." The bishop adds, "This is definitely going to be one good sumbitch!"

The Pope looks at each man in turn and remarks, "Ya know, you mothafuckers alright!"
 
A lady walks into a record shop, where a young bloke is working, and asks if he has Tubular Bells on 12".
The lad replies to her, 'No, I've got dangly balls on an 8"'
The woman's appalled: 'That's not a record!'
'No, but it's not bad for a fourteen year-old.'
 
Dr.Watson gets home to notice the front door painted yellow, confused by this he confronts Sherlock Holmes who's simple answer is: "Lemon Entry dear Watson."


terrible.
 
Good point  :blush:

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " I'm afaid not"



sheesh  :)
 
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.  The guy runs off to the restroom and the monkey jumps up on the pool table, grabs the que ball and swallows it.

The guy comes out and the bartender says, "Your monkey just swallowed the que ball, get him out of here!"  So, the guy takes his monkey and leaves.

A few weeks later, the same guy comes back in with his monkey.  He is sitting at the bar drinking and the monkey grabs a peanut, sticks it up his ass, removes it and swallows it.   The bartender is just staring at it.  The monkey does this a few more times, and finally, the bartender says, "That is the most disgustiing thing I have seen!  Why is he doing that?"

The guy says, "After he passed that que ball, he checks everything for size."
 
SneakySneaky said:
Nah,  I was just fooling around.  Don't take me seriously  :D.
Click to expand...


I don't take anything seriously  :lol: which is also my downfall  O0


What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt.
 
Hahahahaha,

Here's one for Onhell.

What does a Mexican say when his house falls in on him?

Get off me homes!
 
A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?" he asked.

"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found".

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to Australia. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me."

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, "He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
 
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.
 
I laughed at it.

As for a Tommy Cooper-esque joke:

I was half way through a horse the other day - and realised I was not that hungry after all.
 
See if I can remember this one correctly - and hope the typing delivery is spot on:

PC Plod: "Sir, the new police dog has lost its nose in a freak accident."
Chief Constable: "My God, how does he smell?"
PC Plod: "Terribly, Sir."
 
one day Superman and Batman got really pissed off with each other, so Superman takes a spray and writes in every single wall of NYC :
"Batman is an asshole"

Batman takes his spray and writes everywhere :
"Superman is Clark Kent"

:D
 
Ok, superhero jokes:

Superman is flying around Metropolis, and feeling very horny.  He sees Wonder Woman laying naked on a roof, and thinks "hey, I can fly down there, do her super fast, and she'll never know what hit her." 

So he does.  Wonder Woman states "Wow!  What was that?"

The Invisible Man rolls off the top of her and says, "I don't know, but it was super fast."
 
This bloke goes into a cocktail bar in the top floor of a hotel. We're talking about the 30-story sort of hotel. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Upon that, the guy next to him gets up, walks to the window and jumps out. The other bloke gets a near-heart attack and walks to the window, only to see the guy virtually hanging in the air, maybe a metre or two below the window. He asks about this rather awkward situation, and the jumper replies:

"It's a phenomenon in air circulation. For some reason, it is so heavy at this particular spot that it carries you like this, no matter how heavy you are."

As he crawls back through the window, the other bloke thinks that sounds fun and decides to try it out himself. He jumps out of the window and falls 70 metres deep into a mushy, gooey death.

The guy who jumped first gets back to the bar and resumes drinking. The bartender comes to him and says:

"You're such an arsehole when you're drunk, Superman."



And, of course, the Nicko McBrain classic:

If the answer is "my cock Robin", what was the question?



"What's in my arse, Batman?"
 
Obi Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker were having dinner in a Japanese restaurant,

Luke was having incredible difficulty with trying to use his chopsticks.

After several minutes of watching the difficulty Luke was having, Obi Wan finally turned to him and said, Luke, use the fork.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top