Lame and not so lame jokes

So as not to offend such folk that these jokes relate to, I thought about changing the wording of their hair colour - but the jokes wouldnt work. Therefore, here they are as they were presented to me. ;)
A blonde  takes her car to a garage. She asks if there's any way they can fix the hail damage on her hood. Seeing that she was blonde, the mechanic decided to have some fun with her.

He tells her, "Well, I'll let you in on something. I'll tell you how to do it on your own, and it will cost you nothing. Go home, and blow as hard as you can into the tail pipe. Then the dents will pop out!"

Excited, the blonde goes home and parks her car in the driveway and begins to blow into the tailpipe.

Another blonde walks by and asks what she's doing.

The blonde explains what she's doing and the other blonde yells, "Gosh! It's blondes like you that give us a bad name! Anyone knows that you have to have the windows rolled up first!"
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black and two decaf."
 
Albie said:
So as not to offend such folk that these jokes relate to, I thought about changing the wording of their hair colour - but the jokes wouldnt work. Therefore, here they are as they were presented to me. ;)
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Don't be politically correct, Albie, you're British!  Fight the system, damnit! :ok:
 
SandraD said:
A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen......
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One of the best in a while.

Conor said:
I don't think I got the first one Albie
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You jest, right?

Raven said:
Don't be politically correct, Albie, you're British!  Fight the system, damnit! :ok:
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OK, lets see if I can offend any folk with this (probably won't - unless the reader is a Farmer):

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then he gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm pretty sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
 
Albie said:
OK, lets see if I can offend any folk with this (probably won't - unless the reader is a Farmer):

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then he gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm pretty sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
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Albie said:
Thanks Mav. :)
I enjoyed that so much, I thought I'd give a farmer's type joke of my own (or rather one I received):

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then he gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. [sub](at this point you should have guessed the punchline)[/sub]

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm pretty sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
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"Feel like I've been here before..."

:D
Conor said:
I don't think I got the first one Albie but the second was a classic :lol:
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Well, what happens if you try and blow a crushed bottle back into shape if your lips aren't fully over the mouth?
 
very_old_jack.jpg

:innocent:
 
I hope no mathematicians will read it...  :innocent:

A beautiful young woman was dating a mathematician and a statistician, and she knew she had to make a decision. The two young fellows knew of each other, and were all the time trying to impress her with their intelligence. The woman decided that she would put the two young men to a test, and the winner would be her husband. She brought them into a small room and explained to them, "I have decided to end this battle between you, and pick one of you for my life-long partner. You must pass a simple test which I have devised. In turn, I want each of you to stand on that side of the room, and I will stand on this side of the room. Every 10 seconds, I want you to walk half the distance between us towards me until you get to me. Once you get to me, I want you to give me a kiss."

The mathematician quickly thinks he has the answer to the test, and wants to be the first to proclaim it. "I refuse to do such a thing!" the mathematician said. "If I always walk half the distance toward you, I will never get to you. There will always be some distance left, no matter how small, and it can always be split in half!" The mathematician knows he has won, and smirks quietly to himself.

The statistician thinks for a second, and says, "I'll give it a whirl." So, he stands on the other side of the room from the young woman, and then walks half way to her. After 10 seconds, he walks half way to her again. Then again. Then again. After about 2 minutes, the statistician is face to face with the young woman, their noses almost touching. Suddenly, he grabs her and gives her a big kiss!

The mathematician shouts, "Hey! You can't do that! You weren't all the way there! You CAN'T ever get all the way there by going half way each time!"

The statistician replies, "Well, FOR ALL PRACTICAL PURPOSES, I was there!!!"

The young woman and the statistician were wed that next spring.  ::)
 
Do you know why you can't make graphs of statisticians?

They don't have a function.

:innocent:
 
FRIEND:

When you are sad, ….. I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ….. I’ll try to dislodge whatever is chocking you.

When you smile, ….. I’ll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, ….. I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, …. I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ….. I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, …… Stay away from me until you’re well again.  I don’t want whatever you have.

When you fall, ….. I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my Oath,…….. I pledge ‘till the end.  Why you ask? Because you’re my FRIEND  :bigsmile:
 
:D

Here's one more :)

>deer  santa:

I  wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer  Frend,
BiLLy

>Dear  Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a  frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

>Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

> Dear  Sarah,
Your  parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

> Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get  back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

>Dear  Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa




>Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

>Dear  Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words,
Jim Beam.
Santa

> Dear  Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

>Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China, every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of  my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your  mom she got the part.

>Dear  Santa,
Do  you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

>Dear  Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

>Dear Santa,
I  really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

>Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

>Dearest  Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

>Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass  kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet  Dreams,
Santa

;)
 
Here one I got the other day in an email:

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off, .... After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says:










"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
 
Good one Albie :lol:
EDIT: even better Hunlord.

This one is from memory:

Tom Hanks, Mel Gibson and Arnold Scharzanegger are applying for a part in a movie.  Before they go in for the interview, they are told they have to adopt the persona of a classical composer.

First of all, Tom Hanks steps in and says, "I'll be Beethoven".  Immediately, the director turns him back, saying he isn't suitable for the role.

Next, Mel Gibson walks in and says, "I'll be Schubert".  The director shakes his head.  Mel walks out with disappointment.

Finaly, Arnold Schwarzanegger walks in and says:















"I'll be Bach" :D
 
I wonder if anyone will know where this comes from?  :halo:

There are these two kids that meet on the street one day. The boy says to the girl, 'I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith'. The girl replies, 'Really? Whats the name of his other leg?'.
 
Has anybody here seen the movie "Constipation"?








No?











That's probably because it isn't out yet!
 
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