Lame and not so lame jokes
- Thread starter IronDuke
- Start date
Genghis Khan
Ancient Mariner
Dude 1: The answer is pantyhose.
Dude 2: What? What's the question?
Dude 1: What would you call Brittany Spears and Lindsey Lohan if they were wearing panties?
Dude 2: What?
Dude 1: I told you. Pantie hoes.
Dude 2: What? What's the question?
Dude 1: What would you call Brittany Spears and Lindsey Lohan if they were wearing panties?
Dude 2: What?
Dude 1: I told you. Pantie hoes.
A
Anonymous
Guest
Four students at Sydney University were so good at Organic Chemistry that they passed all their tests, exams and internship with the highest grade.
They were so convinced that they'd pass the final exams that they decided to go to Canberra on the preceeding weekend to attend a party some of their friends were throwing. After partying hard, they slept through all Sunday and did not manage to return to Sydney before Monday, the day of the exam.
They decided not to take the exam but try to tell the professor afterwards why they couldn't come. The four students explained to him that they were in Canberra to study at the national archives and planned to return on time, but they had a flat tyre and forgot their carjack, and it took ages until somebody came by and helped them, so that's why they only arrived today.
The professor thought about it, and finally allowed them to take the exam the next day, because they were such excellent students.
The students were relieved and spent the entire night studying. The next day, the professor seated each in a different room, gave each a sheet and told them to start.
The first question had five marks. It was a simple question about radical reactions. All four smiled broadly and wrote down the answer with ease, thinking it would be an easy test. They turned the page and saw question #2, with 95 marks, reading: "Which tyre was flat?"
They were so convinced that they'd pass the final exams that they decided to go to Canberra on the preceeding weekend to attend a party some of their friends were throwing. After partying hard, they slept through all Sunday and did not manage to return to Sydney before Monday, the day of the exam.
They decided not to take the exam but try to tell the professor afterwards why they couldn't come. The four students explained to him that they were in Canberra to study at the national archives and planned to return on time, but they had a flat tyre and forgot their carjack, and it took ages until somebody came by and helped them, so that's why they only arrived today.
The professor thought about it, and finally allowed them to take the exam the next day, because they were such excellent students.
The students were relieved and spent the entire night studying. The next day, the professor seated each in a different room, gave each a sheet and told them to start.
The first question had five marks. It was a simple question about radical reactions. All four smiled broadly and wrote down the answer with ease, thinking it would be an easy test. They turned the page and saw question #2, with 95 marks, reading: "Which tyre was flat?"
This definitly fits the "Lame Jokes" catagory 
It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the "Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam". But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam. Then, another thought "The Pencil Leads" was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."
"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves".....
"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR""
It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the "Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam". But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam. Then, another thought "The Pencil Leads" was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."
"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves".....
"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR""
Onhell
Infinite Dreamer
LOL that was very funny.
here's one.
A man walks by the local Asylum and hears the inmates on the other side of the wall chant "8, 8, 8, 8, 8." he merely shrugs it off and goes on his merry way. On his way back home he goes by the Asylum again and this time hears the inmates chanting, "12, 12, 12, 12, 12." He notices a hole in the wall and decides to investigate what all this counting is about, so he peers through... From the other side a finger appears and pokes the man in the eye and the inmates resume there chanting, "13, 13, 13, 13......"
here's one.
A man walks by the local Asylum and hears the inmates on the other side of the wall chant "8, 8, 8, 8, 8." he merely shrugs it off and goes on his merry way. On his way back home he goes by the Asylum again and this time hears the inmates chanting, "12, 12, 12, 12, 12." He notices a hole in the wall and decides to investigate what all this counting is about, so he peers through... From the other side a finger appears and pokes the man in the eye and the inmates resume there chanting, "13, 13, 13, 13......"
No, Albie, I think it's exactly right. If you can't blame someone else, you are indeed stuck. You poor bastard.
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in London and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Chelsea fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Chelsea fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Chelsea fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Chelsea fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Queen's Park Rangers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Queen's Park Rangers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from White City, and my mum is a Queen's Park Rangers fan and my dad is a Queen's Park Rangers fan, so I'm a Queen's Park Rangers fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Queen's Park Rangers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Chelsea fan."
A QPR fan, a Derby fan and a Chelsea fan are all working in Saudi Arabia.
As it is a strict government alcohol is against the law and the nightlife is pretty limited, so the Englishmen decide that they will not get caught and decide to risk brewing their own.
Unfortunately they are caught and hauled up in front of the Sheikh.
"Alcohol is strictly against my laws and as you have disobeyed me you will be punished" boomed the Sheikh. "100 Lashes for each man"
"However, I have fond memories of England and I will grant you all one wish because of my sentimentality"
The Derby fan was first in line and when asked what wish he wanted he said with a smug grin "Tie a pillow to my back"
The Sheik tied a pillow to the back of the Derby fan and a huge Arabic guy stepped up behind him with the whip. The pillow only lasted around 30 lashes before the whip cut through, after 80 the Derby fan passed out with the pain and was carried off to his cell.
Next up was the Chelsea fan, having seen what had happened to the Derby fan he was a bit panicked and not being the best at maths spluttered out... "Tie 2 pillows to my back"
The Sheikh looked at him curiously and carried out his wish, tying two pillows to his back. The same punishment began and obviously after only 60 lashes the whip cut through the pillow. The Red Dog still had 40 lashes left and although he didn't pass out, he was whimpering when the sheikh counted 100 and was dragged off back to his cell in a right state.
The Sheikh turned to the Rangers fan, who looked remarkably relaxed considering his circumstances.
"I visited Loftus Road as a youth and found it to be a most beautiful ground, for this reason I will grant you 2 wishes my friend" The sheikh said.
The Rangers fan was pleasantly surprised and said "Give me 300 lashes!"
The sheik looked at the Rangers fan with total admiration... "Not only are you an honest man you are also very brave my friend" the Sheikh commented "and your second wish?"
"Tie the Chelsea bloke to my back".
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Chelsea fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Chelsea fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Chelsea fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Queen's Park Rangers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Queen's Park Rangers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from White City, and my mum is a Queen's Park Rangers fan and my dad is a Queen's Park Rangers fan, so I'm a Queen's Park Rangers fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Queen's Park Rangers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Chelsea fan."
A QPR fan, a Derby fan and a Chelsea fan are all working in Saudi Arabia.
As it is a strict government alcohol is against the law and the nightlife is pretty limited, so the Englishmen decide that they will not get caught and decide to risk brewing their own.
Unfortunately they are caught and hauled up in front of the Sheikh.
"Alcohol is strictly against my laws and as you have disobeyed me you will be punished" boomed the Sheikh. "100 Lashes for each man"
"However, I have fond memories of England and I will grant you all one wish because of my sentimentality"
The Derby fan was first in line and when asked what wish he wanted he said with a smug grin "Tie a pillow to my back"
The Sheik tied a pillow to the back of the Derby fan and a huge Arabic guy stepped up behind him with the whip. The pillow only lasted around 30 lashes before the whip cut through, after 80 the Derby fan passed out with the pain and was carried off to his cell.
Next up was the Chelsea fan, having seen what had happened to the Derby fan he was a bit panicked and not being the best at maths spluttered out... "Tie 2 pillows to my back"
The Sheikh looked at him curiously and carried out his wish, tying two pillows to his back. The same punishment began and obviously after only 60 lashes the whip cut through the pillow. The Red Dog still had 40 lashes left and although he didn't pass out, he was whimpering when the sheikh counted 100 and was dragged off back to his cell in a right state.
The Sheikh turned to the Rangers fan, who looked remarkably relaxed considering his circumstances.
"I visited Loftus Road as a youth and found it to be a most beautiful ground, for this reason I will grant you 2 wishes my friend" The sheikh said.
The Rangers fan was pleasantly surprised and said "Give me 300 lashes!"
The sheik looked at the Rangers fan with total admiration... "Not only are you an honest man you are also very brave my friend" the Sheikh commented "and your second wish?"
"Tie the Chelsea bloke to my back".
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin,
characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin,
characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
Genghis Khan
Ancient Mariner
I read that in an excerpt of a book on comma splices. Thinking of which, shouldn't there be a comma after "eats" for the joke to work?
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
Thank you Don.
Albie, concerned that his dog is no longer its lively old self, takes it to the vet for a quick check-up.
After waiting in line, he's eventually called in and the vet asks him the problem.
"He used to be full of life, a real bundle of energy. He never seemed to get tired of just running around the place. Now, though, he lazes about the house all day and doesn't seem to be interested in anything," he explained.
"Hmmm," mused the vet, "let's see if we can get to the bottom of this."
With that, he picks the dog up in his hands, holds it out in front of him and stares it straight in the eye.
He keeps doing this for a good two or three minutes, before turning to Albie and saying: "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Oh, God, why!?" cries Albie.
"My arms are sore."
Albie, concerned that his dog is no longer its lively old self, takes it to the vet for a quick check-up.
After waiting in line, he's eventually called in and the vet asks him the problem.
"He used to be full of life, a real bundle of energy. He never seemed to get tired of just running around the place. Now, though, he lazes about the house all day and doesn't seem to be interested in anything," he explained.
"Hmmm," mused the vet, "let's see if we can get to the bottom of this."
With that, he picks the dog up in his hands, holds it out in front of him and stares it straight in the eye.
He keeps doing this for a good two or three minutes, before turning to Albie and saying: "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Oh, God, why!?" cries Albie.
"My arms are sore."
Genghis Khan
Ancient Mariner
Hunlord said:The point is that he eats shoots off trees and leaves from trees, the missing comma is part of the joke, as it was a misunderstanding on the panda's behalf.
Never mind. My head was stuck on the alternate version I heard where the panda gives the manager a book on pandas containing the error, hence the panda's misunderstanding. Having both versions in my head at once had me all confuzzled.
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100." - Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, cars, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly...
"So............... ya got yer Chelsea season ticket yet?"
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100." - Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, cars, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly...
"So............... ya got yer Chelsea season ticket yet?"