Lame and not so lame jokes
- Thread starter IronDuke
- Start date
Anomica
Trooper
How good is the psychic?
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
SneakySneaky
Trooper
So there's this guy whose dream is to own a Harley. He saves money every month, checks the classified ads for bikes, posts an ad himself, until he finds one in a good price. He goes to see the bike which was very well preserve and decides to buy it. The guy who sold it to him told him that everytime it would rain, he should rub the bike with some vazeline, so the colour won't wear out.
The same evening he was invited to dinner at his girlfriend's place. So, he goes there with the bike. His girlfriend meets him in the front yard and tells him "look, don't be surprised if no one speaks at all, you see it's a custom of ours that whoever speaks first has to do the dishes. So unless you want to clean the dishes, I advise you not to talk." The guy agrees, although he finds this a strange custom.
During dinner and seeing that nobody was talking, he decided to test them. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the couch and does what he does best
. Nobody said anything, so he notices that his girlfriend's aunt was quite charming, so he throws her on the couch too. After that, seeing that nobody would react, he decides to screw his girlfriend's mom (which was a hottie) too, so he throws her on the couch too. Nobody said anything.
Later, when everyone served himself with some desert, and due to all the uneasiness he had caused, our hero goes to the window and seeing all the clouds he realizes that it would rain. So he takes out the vazeline. Seeing that, the father awstruck says :" THIS IS TOO MUCH! FINE! I'LL DO THE F**CKING DISHES
The same evening he was invited to dinner at his girlfriend's place. So, he goes there with the bike. His girlfriend meets him in the front yard and tells him "look, don't be surprised if no one speaks at all, you see it's a custom of ours that whoever speaks first has to do the dishes. So unless you want to clean the dishes, I advise you not to talk." The guy agrees, although he finds this a strange custom.
During dinner and seeing that nobody was talking, he decided to test them. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the couch and does what he does best
. Nobody said anything, so he notices that his girlfriend's aunt was quite charming, so he throws her on the couch too. After that, seeing that nobody would react, he decides to screw his girlfriend's mom (which was a hottie) too, so he throws her on the couch too. Nobody said anything.Later, when everyone served himself with some desert, and due to all the uneasiness he had caused, our hero goes to the window and seeing all the clouds he realizes that it would rain. So he takes out the vazeline. Seeing that, the father awstruck says :" THIS IS TOO MUCH! FINE! I'LL DO THE F**CKING DISHES
A
Anonymous
Guest
Wanna read/hear a joke??
A joke
ok, the door is that way =>
A joke
ok, the door is that way =>
A
Anonymous
Guest
There is a couple that is very much in love with each other. The day comes when the girlfriend invites her boyfriend for dinner to meet the parents. Seeing that he's not exactly excited, she promises him something 'special' afterwards.
So, the boy goes to the pharmacy because he wants to buy condoms.
"How can I help you?" the pharmacist asks.
"I need some condoms," the boy answers.
"Alright, do you need a small pack or a big pack?"
The boy gets all red and itchy and finally replies "well, it could take all night, so maybe a big one."
"Right, I can sell you a standard big one, or I can sell you the family pack. That's got twice the amount of condoms as the big one, but costs less than two big packs."
"Right, you never know how many you might actually need... I'll take that one," the boy says, unable to hide a happy smile.
The evening comes and the boy arrives at his girlfriend's home. She leads him to the table. The boy sits down and starts to pray, for minutes and minutes.
"My," the girl finally says, "I didn't know you were so religious!"
The boy replies:
"I didn't know your father was a pharmacist!"
So, the boy goes to the pharmacy because he wants to buy condoms.
"How can I help you?" the pharmacist asks.
"I need some condoms," the boy answers.
"Alright, do you need a small pack or a big pack?"
The boy gets all red and itchy and finally replies "well, it could take all night, so maybe a big one."
"Right, I can sell you a standard big one, or I can sell you the family pack. That's got twice the amount of condoms as the big one, but costs less than two big packs."
"Right, you never know how many you might actually need... I'll take that one," the boy says, unable to hide a happy smile.
The evening comes and the boy arrives at his girlfriend's home. She leads him to the table. The boy sits down and starts to pray, for minutes and minutes.
"My," the girl finally says, "I didn't know you were so religious!"
The boy replies:
"I didn't know your father was a pharmacist!"
Hunlord
Trooper
David Hasselhoff walks into his agents office and says "From now on I just want to be known as"The Hoff""
The agent says to him "Sure, no hassle!"
Boogie with The Hoff while Looking For Freedom!
The agent says to him "Sure, no hassle!"
Boogie with The Hoff while Looking For Freedom!
Albie
Keeping an open eye on the Weeping Angels.
AND ON THE SAME THEME OF JOKE:Hunlord said:
He stood on the stage - petrified.
"So", said Matthew Kelly (in his ever so camp way) "Tell us about yourself!"
Simon was a little anxious to say the least, he had not been in this position before. He was about to perform in front of a studio audience of several hundred and a television audience of around 10 million. He was on "Stars in their Eyes."
"Well", he said in a feeble voice "The reason I stand before you today as I am, is because of a terrible accident I was involved in".
"Go on", said Kelly
"My Uncle and me had planned this trip to fly over the alps - as you do, unfortunately we had a crash"
"My word", said Kelly, "please continue.."
"Well, my Uncle died when he got to the hospital. It was very sad", Simon started to weep, "I was lucky - I only lost the use of my legs and the doctors deemed them in such a bad way that they had to amputated."
"So you stand before me with legs and crutches. Are they prosthetic?" inquired the TV host.
"No. My uncle's legs were the only part of his body that was kept intact from the crash. The doctors suggested with mine and my family's blessing that, in memory of my Uncle, his legs could be donated to me".
"So, the legs that you stand on are your Uncles?"
"Yes".
"Well, studio audience", said Matthew Kelly as he turned to the studio audience, "do you not think that is the most amazing story ever told?"
A chorus of "Yes" followed by a large ripple of applause followed.
"How brave are you" said Kelly, "Tell us Simon, who are you going to be tonight?"
"Well, Matthew, tonight I'm going to be...."
There was a pause.
"Simon and halfuncle"
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some
quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence...
"Well stop clapping then, you pretentious prat!"
Albie
Keeping an open eye on the Weeping Angels.
Albie
Keeping an open eye on the Weeping Angels.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them:
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Bitch bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Bitch bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
Albie
Keeping an open eye on the Weeping Angels.
Three elderly Maidenfans.com posters (their names removed for legal reasons) were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second poster chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
"Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," said the third as he rapped his knuckles on the table "... Oh, That must be the door, I'll get it!"
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second poster chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
"Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," said the third as he rapped his knuckles on the table "... Oh, That must be the door, I'll get it!"
A
Anonymous
Guest
A posh and spotless Range Rover barges into a field somewhere in Wales where a shepherd is looking after his flock. A smart young man in a suit comes out and tells the shepherd: "I bet I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have!"
The old man, quite wise and wary, goes: "Well, maybe. So?"
"If I give you the exact number, can I have one of your sheep? I've always wanted one as a pet."
The old man sighs and says: "Well, alright then. Go ahead."
The young man connects his laptop to the mobile fax, enters a NASA website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel spreadsheets filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He then turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,627 sheep."
The shepherd is quite amazed and answers: "That's right! Well, I suppose that you can have your sheep now."
The young man takes a look around and says: "I'll have this fine animal here." Then he grabs it and puts it in the back of his Range Rover.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess what you do for a living, will you return my animal to me?"
To which the young man answers: "Yes! Go on then..."
The shepherd says: "You're a consultant, aren't you?"
"Wow! How did you know that??" says the young man.
"It's quite simple," answers the shepherd.
"First, you barged in here without my permission."
"Then, you charge me to tell me something I already knew."
"And mostly, you don't know bugger all about my business."
"Now can I have my dog back?"
(Dedicated to Albie
)
The old man, quite wise and wary, goes: "Well, maybe. So?"
"If I give you the exact number, can I have one of your sheep? I've always wanted one as a pet."
The old man sighs and says: "Well, alright then. Go ahead."
The young man connects his laptop to the mobile fax, enters a NASA website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel spreadsheets filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He then turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,627 sheep."
The shepherd is quite amazed and answers: "That's right! Well, I suppose that you can have your sheep now."
The young man takes a look around and says: "I'll have this fine animal here." Then he grabs it and puts it in the back of his Range Rover.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess what you do for a living, will you return my animal to me?"
To which the young man answers: "Yes! Go on then..."
The shepherd says: "You're a consultant, aren't you?"
"Wow! How did you know that??" says the young man.
"It's quite simple," answers the shepherd.
"First, you barged in here without my permission."
"Then, you charge me to tell me something I already knew."
"And mostly, you don't know bugger all about my business."
"Now can I have my dog back?"
(Dedicated to Albie
)
Albie
Keeping an open eye on the Weeping Angels.
Thanks Mav.Maverick said:(Dedicated to Albie
I enjoyed that so much, I thought I'd give a farmer's type joke of my own (or rather one I received):
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then he gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. [sub](at this point you should have guessed the punchline)[/sub]
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm pretty sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
And another Farmer joke:
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
A
Anonymous
Guest
A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen
Listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the
Living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, “All you
Sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is
The last stop. All your sons of bitches who are getting on, get
Your asses on the train cause we’re leaving”.
The mother went in and told her son. “We don’t use that kind of
Language in this house. I want you to go to your room for two
Hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I
Want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother
Heard her son say. “All passengers who are disembarking the
Train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a
Pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
“For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your
Hand luggage under your seats. Please remember there is no
Smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant
And relaxing journey with us today”
“For those of you who are pissed off about the 2 hour delay,
Please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a
week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great
time. After they returned home and the men went back to work,
they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again!
Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers,
"7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played
blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed
all night and hollers, ˜Hit me light or hit me hard" and I
haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife
played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up
each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
Listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the
Living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, “All you
Sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is
The last stop. All your sons of bitches who are getting on, get
Your asses on the train cause we’re leaving”.
The mother went in and told her son. “We don’t use that kind of
Language in this house. I want you to go to your room for two
Hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I
Want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother
Heard her son say. “All passengers who are disembarking the
Train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a
Pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
“For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your
Hand luggage under your seats. Please remember there is no
Smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant
And relaxing journey with us today”
“For those of you who are pissed off about the 2 hour delay,
Please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a
week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great
time. After they returned home and the men went back to work,
they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again!
Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers,
"7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played
blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed
all night and hollers, ˜Hit me light or hit me hard" and I
haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife
played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up
each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
