Lame and not so lame jokes

A Jew, an Arab and an American are about to cross the road. The Jew looks at the other two and says:

"Oh, I get it. This is one of those stereotype jokes that has us three acting out a hilarious cliché that leads up to a worn-out punchline. So, I guess I'll be heading for that bank over there."

The Arab goes:

"Yeah, and I suppose I'll be blowing up that bus there."

The American goes:

"Hehe, saw it coming."

:halo:
 
Duck shooting. Two hunters lie hidden among the reeds, peering out at the lake. Lots of water, but no ducks. So they have a drop of rum for the cold. And another one. And another one. And another one...

And then, one big duck flies out over the lake. One of the hunters quickly gets his gun out and fires a few times. The duck falls down into the water.

"Now that's what I call sharp shooting!" says his companion.

"Well, you're bound to hit one out of a whole flock!"
 
A guy is at the doctor's office, and he states his problem: "Doc, my dick is orange, what is that about?"
Doc takes a look and asks some questions: "Are you using a new bath soap?"
Guy: "Nope, same bath soap."
Doc: "Eating anything different than usual?"
Guy: "Nope, same food as always."
Doc: "Are you getting into any odd chemicals at work?"
Guy: "Nope, I dont work."
Doc: "Is your wife using any new laundry detergent?"
Guy: "Nope, same detergent, and I don't have a wife."
Doc: "OK, you don't work, and you don't have a wife, what do you do all day?"
Guy: "I just sit around eating cheetos and watching pornos."
 
A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
Man says, 'Why?' The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'
 
A police officer is calmly patrolling the streets, when he spots a well-known drunk walking towards him with a little penguin.

"Where did you find that penguin?" he asks sternly.

"I... I was just... walking, and there it was... a little penguin, all by itself", the drunk replies.

"Well, take it to the zoo."

However, the next day the police officer comes across the drunk and the penguin again.

"Didn't I tell you to take it to the zoo?" he cries.

"I did, and he liked it", said the drunk happily. "Now I'm taking him to the library."
 
Vladimir Putin goes to a primary school to talk to the kids and to get a little favorable PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Vlad asks him his name. "Yuri," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Yuri?"

"I have 4 questions:

1st, who put the polonium in Alexander Litvinenko's tea?
2nd, where did they get the polonium from?
3rd, does Andrei Lugovoy take one or two sugars? - and -
4th, why won't he go to Britain to answer the charges?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Mr. Putin informs the kid that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Mr. Putin says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

One little boy puts up his hand and Mr. Putin asks him his name.

"Ivan," he responds.

"And what is your question, Ivan?"

"Actually, sir, I have 6 questions.

1st, who put the polonium in Alexander Litvinenko's tea?
2nd, where did they get the polonium from?
3rd, does Andrei Lugovoy take one or two sugars?
4th, why won't he go to Britain to answer the charges?
5th, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? - and -
6th, what the hell happened to Yuri...
 
"Who's your father?"
-"Papa Stalin."
"And your mother?"
-"The Russian motherland."
"And what do you want to be one day?"
-"An orphan."
 
Two Muslim mothers were sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the moms pulled out her bag and started flipping through pictures and reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would be 24 now."
The other mom replied, "I remember him as a baby."
To which the older mom responded, "He's a martyr now."
"Oh, so sad, my dear." said the younger mom.
The older mom then flipped to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kali. He would be 21."
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
The older mom sighed, "He's a martyr, too."
"Oh gracious me" said the younger mother.
"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18"
"Yes" her friend interjected enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also" the older mom responded with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the younger Muslim mother looked wistfully at the photos and said:

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
 
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
 
A man is enjoying a quiet beer in a pub when a thug approaches him. the thug high kicks him in the chest, knocking him to the ground and says "that's kick boxing from Thailand"

Some days later the man is having another quiet drink when the same thug head butts him. "That's a Scottish kiss from Glasgow"

A week later the same man is having a drink when the same thug chops him across the throat. "That's karate from Japan"

The next day the thug is bragging about hs exploits when he is suddenly hit from behind and knocked unconcious.

"That's a fucking shovel from B&Q you bastard" the man screams
 
A wino dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00. He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles and the wino departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles, and passed out.

A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection, wandered down the same alley. He saw the wino, thought about it, and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00, so he put it in the wino's coat.

The next night, the wino discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner store and asks for as much wine as her could get. The clerk hand over 4 bottles which the wino then takes down the alley, consumes, and passes out.

Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley. This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing the wino, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with the wino. And like the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for the wino.

The next day the wino finds the $100.00 and goes into the corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the cheap stuff. The wino demands finer wine, explaining that the 'cheap stuff' was really tearing his ass up.
 
If a woman puts on a shirt and notices that it's tighter than usual, she immediately concludes that she has gained weight.
If a man puts on a shirt and notices that it's tighter than usual, he immediately concludes that the shirt has shrunk.
 
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
Zebo, a half blind five year old South African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 pounds and we'll send you the video, it's bloody hilarious....
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says: 'Fuck off, you won't bring it back.'
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
 
What do you call someone that can speak four languages?

Multilingual

What do you call someone that can speak two languages?

Bilingual

What do you call someone that can speak only one language?

British! :D
 
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