Lame and not so lame jokes

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?


The local university lab has decided to lay off all of the lab rats. You would think that this was due to animal rights protesters complaining about their treatment, but the university found that it was easer to use attorneys. No one complains -- and there are just some things a rat will not do.
 
A recent study by the Motorcycle Industry Council found that 97% of all Harley-Davidsons were still on the road.




The other 3% made it home.

:lol:
 
"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
...long pause...
"Java"

There are three types of people:
1. Those who know recursion
2. Those who don't know recursion
3. Those who think there are three types of people:
1. Those who know recursion
2. Those who don't know recursion
3. Those who think there are three types of people:
1. Those who know recursion
2. Those who don't know recursion
...
 
Time to revive this thread.

This rocker dude is cast away on a desert island. Year in year out, he walks to the beach in the morning and stares out at the sea. One day, after he had long given up hope, he sees something in the water. "It can't be a boat, he thinks to himself. "Too small". As it comes nearer, it becomes apparent that it is a person, and as this person gets out of the water, she reveals herself to be a beautiful woman in a skin-tight diving suit. Not believing his luck, the rocker comes closer to her, and she asks him,

"When's the last time you had a smoke?"
"Ten years ago, before I got stuck on this island."
She gets a cigarette out of her left pocket, lights it for him and gives it to him. He smokes gleefully. When he's done, the woman asks him,
"When's the last time you had a drink?"
"Same ten years."
She gets a flask out of her right pocket and lets him drink thirstily. When he's done, the woman starts to slowly unzip her diving suit and asks him,

"When's the last time you had some real fun?"

The rocker starts shaking nervously and replies:

"You're not telling me you've got a motorbike in there!"



And another one:


This guy wakes up in the morning with the worst headache of his life. He opens his eyes and sees a glass of water and a box of aspirin next to him. Without thinking, he takes the aspirin and sits up. He sees that the bedroom is tidier than usual, and fresh clothes are neatly folded on the chair on the far side of the bedroom. He gets up, dresses and sees a handwritten note on the bed table. It reads, "Good morning, honey. Your breakfast is in the kitchen, I have to do some groceries and will be back in the evening."
He goes down to the kitchen and notices that the entire house is cleaner and tidier than usual. On the kitchen table, he sees a ready-made breakfast with eggs and bacon, hot coffee and even the morning paper is lovingly arranged. He sits down and enjoys the meal despite his hangover. His son comes in, and the guy asks him:

"Say my boy, what happened last night? I can't remember a single thing."
"Well dad, you got home last night at three in the morning, drunk as a legion and puked on the old Persian rug. Then you got in the living-room and broke some expensive furniture while screaming something unintelligible, which woke up the entire house."
"And the house is so clean and my breakfast is made because...?"
"When Mom dragged you to the bedroom and wanted to take your trousers off, you said 'fuck off bitch, I'm married.'"

Getting drunk: €30
Broken furniture: €2000
Breakfast: €10
Saying the right thing in the right moment: Priceless.
 
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