national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
Lame and not so lame jokes
- Thread starter IronDuke
- Start date
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Anonymous
Guest
I *knew* my time would come:
"Doctor! Doctor! I keep forgetting everything!"
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
"Doctor! Doctor! I keep forgetting everything!"
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
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Anonymous
Guest
*Knock! Knock!*
"Who's there?"
"Doctor"
"Doctor Who?"
*goes hide his shame in a dark corner* :-[
"Who's there?"
"Doctor"
"Doctor Who?"
*goes hide his shame in a dark corner* :-[
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Anonymous
Guest
A man walks into a doctor's surgery and says "there is a steering wheel in my trousers". Looking down, the doctor sees nothing and asks the man why he thinks a steering wheel is in the trousers. The man replies "it's driving me nuts!"
I messed that one up, it's supposed to bea one-liner
I messed that one up, it's supposed to bea one-liner
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Anonymous
Guest
I bet you are a great joke teller anyway.Maverick said:
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Anonymous
Guest
SilentLucidity said:I bet you are a great joke teller anyway.
I never tell jokes. I'm seriousness incarnate! :biggrin:
Albie
Keeping an open eye on the Weeping Angels.
Disclaimer: I hold no responsibility for the lameness of the following joke.
A man walks into a pub removes his hat and places it on the bar. Almost immediately the landlord's dog takes the hat and rips it to shreds. Angrily the man turns to the landlord and demands to be compensated. The landlord just shrugs his shoulders and says, "It's only a friggin' hat mate". The man at this point is seething. "I don't like your attitude", he retorts. To which the barman replies "It weren't my 'at 'e chewed, it was your 'at 'e chewed".
Best I could do, I'm afraid.
A man walks into a pub removes his hat and places it on the bar. Almost immediately the landlord's dog takes the hat and rips it to shreds. Angrily the man turns to the landlord and demands to be compensated. The landlord just shrugs his shoulders and says, "It's only a friggin' hat mate". The man at this point is seething. "I don't like your attitude", he retorts. To which the barman replies "It weren't my 'at 'e chewed, it was your 'at 'e chewed".
Best I could do, I'm afraid.
dogigniter
Ancient Mariner
Conor said:A man walks into a doctor's surgery and says "there is a steering wheel in my trousers". Looking down, the doctor sees nothing and asks the man why he thinks a steering wheel is in the trousers. The man replies "it's driving me nuts!"
I messed that one up, it's supposed to bea one-liner
The man is supposed to be a farmer or a pirate... as in "oooarrr its drivin me nuts!"
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Anonymous
Guest
Or a Yorkshire mandogigniter said:
dogigniter
Ancient Mariner
Like I said.... a farmerConor said:Or a Yorkshire man
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No.
Not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No.
Not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Albie
Keeping an open eye on the Weeping Angels.
This joke was found here on last.fm. I thought I'd share it with you.
The wife tells her husband to go out and buy 1L of milk, and if there are eggs, to buy 10.
So what does the husband buy in the end?
10L of milk.
go_out;
IF eggs=true THEN FOR i:=1 TO 10 DO buy_milk
ELSE buy_milk;
With respect, some of you may need to be thinking logically to appreciate this, i.e. use your left-brain.
The wife tells her husband to go out and buy 1L of milk, and if there are eggs, to buy 10.
So what does the husband buy in the end?
10L of milk.
go_out;
IF eggs=true THEN FOR i:=1 TO 10 DO buy_milk
ELSE buy_milk;
With respect, some of you may need to be thinking logically to appreciate this, i.e. use your left-brain.
dogigniter
Ancient Mariner
What did Linda McCartney buy with her divorce money....
A plane, and a lady shaver for the other leg....
A plane, and a lady shaver for the other leg....
Albie
Keeping an open eye on the Weeping Angels.
Again, not mine - 'twas emailed to me this morning:
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. He driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: Are you ready for this?
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. He driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: Are you ready for this?
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her name-tag that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(I'll get me coat)
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(I'll get me coat)
Hunlord
Trooper
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker,slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker,slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"