Lame and not so lame jokes

And they just get worse - sorry - blame the guy who emails me these:

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint every day. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The third convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."

:-[
 
^ ^_^ ^

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "JEEZ, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant! He shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 
A man goes to the optometrist, and the doctor says "You really need to stop masturbating." The man, a little worried, asks the doctor, "Why... am I going blind?" "No," says the doctor. "But you're disturbing everyone else in the waiting room."  :-[
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Johnny starting playing bass as a child, and his encouraging mother always kept his spirits high and made him proud to be a bassist. One day he came home and said, "Mommy, Mommy! Today in school we did numbers, and most kids only got to ten, but I went to twenty!"
"That's Great Johnny!" his mother replied, "That's because you're a bass player!"
Excited, Johnny ran upstairs and practiced the bass.
The next day, Johnny came home saying,"Mommy! Mommy! Today we did the alphabet, and everyone else stopped at P, but I made it all the way to Z!"
"That's Great Johnny!" his mother replied, "That's because you're a bass player!"
Excited, Johnny ran upstairs and practiced the bass.
The next day, Johnny came home excited once again. "Mommy! Mommy! Today They measured us and I'm the tallest in my class! Is that because I'm a bass player?"
"No Johnny," his Mother said, "That's because you're 28."

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ipod_toilet_paper_dispense.jpg
                       The new iPod that dispenses toilet paper. It will be called the iPood!
 
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the autobahn. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped 3 England football players. They're asking for a
£10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

"About a gallon"
 
A man brought a very limp dog to his Vet. As he lay the dog on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away".

"What", said the man, "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him. I want a second opinion."

With that the vet left the room and then returned with a Labrador. The Labrador went to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing the Labrador sadly shook his head and said "Woof."

The vet then took the Labrador out and then returned with a cat, who also checked out the dead dog. As had his predecessors, the cat soulfully shook his head and said "Meow".

After both examinations the vet then handed the man a bill for £400. The man was livid.

"£400 just to tell me my dog was dead? This is outrageous."

"Well," said the vet, "had you taken my opinion, it would be £50. But with the Lab work and cat scan...."
 
A man's dog is cross-eyed, so he takes him to the vet. The vet does some tests on the dog and says, "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to put him down"

"Why, because he's cross-eyed!?!?"

"No he has cancer."  -_-
 
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
Look, I don't get too many jokes to offer - but I have had a few of late. Here is the latest:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his
head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed.

"Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
 
Philip has been married to his wife, Mary, for sixty years and, after becoming extremely bored with her lack of ability to perform sexually, decides to end the relationship.

Not one to do things by half, Philip manages to get hold of a hitmasn, named Big Brian. He calls up Bigh Brian, who answers the phone with a gruff "Yeah?!"

Philip tells Brian of his problem. "I've been married to my wife for sixty years, and now I want her, you know, 'out of the way,' if you knowwhat I mean."

"Sounds alright," replies Brian, "I usually go for a single shot through the lower left breast."

With a start, Philip replies "That's no good! I want her dead, not kneecapped!"
 
This may be, and I hope not, a bit to close to the mark. ;)

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, and repeats his previous action - twice, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does his thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
Am I the only one posting jokes?

A woman stopped by her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
 
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctor's.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor.



"Your mother must have been a carrier..."

(Right, where's me coat?)
 
Knock Knock

Who's there?

The police, I'm afraid there's been a serious traffic accident. Your partner is in intensive care.
 
A man walked into a post office one morning to apply for a job. He filled out an application then the clerk at the desk asked him, "Are you a veteran?" And the man says, "Yes, i was in Vietnam for 6 years." Then the clerck askes him, "Are you disabled?" And the man answers, "Yes, 100%, damb gook threw a grenade at me and blew my testicals off." So the clerck tells the man, "Your hired. You can start tomorrow at 10am until closing at 5pm." and the man replys, "Well if your hours are 8am-5pm, then how come i dont come in till ten?" And the clerck says, "Well, sir, this is a goverment job, the first two hours all we do is sit around scratching our balls, no sence in you being here for that."
 
A small plane with 3 passengers crashed on a tropical island. Everyone's unharmed except for the pilot, who died. The three passengers are of different nationalities.

One is American. The other is a German and the third is a Chinese. The American takes the command and says that himself and the German will arrange a shelter, while he says to the Chinese to take care of the supplies. The Chinese walks into the jungle and the German and the American takes care of the shelterbuilding.

After a day the Chinese havn't returned. The American says he'll go and look for him. He looks for about an hour and then he hears some noises from a near bush. He decides to take a closer look. The Chinese jumps out of the bush and screams: "Supplice, supplice!"
 
A man and a woman are wandering the desert. The man finds and picks up an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Later on he admitted to feeling a bit foolish about the whole incident.
 
^That is actually quite funny. A few steps above from your previous efforts.
 
Ok you guys want lame, I'll give you lame.

How is a chicken different from an Israeli-Palestinian peace agreement?

One is a domestic fowl; the other is a treaty.

What did the blonde say when her ugly boss offered her a raise?

Thanks.

What did the saloon keeper say to the cowpoke who walked in with a chicken in his ten-gallon hat?

Nice hat.

A farmer rows across a river with a fox, three geese, and a twenty-four pound bag of olive pits. Upon reaching the other side, he says to the fox "While I go into town, I'm leaving you in charge, Mr. Fox. When I return, these geese and olive pits better be in perfect shape, or you're in big, big trouble." The farmer hurries off. Several minutes later, the geese fall asleep.
 
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