Lame and not so lame jokes

Nice one, Hunlord.  You get three  :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r:

Two men are standing on the top of the Empire State Building when a tourist walks up to look over the edge.  The first man says, 'You know, friend, the wind is so strong up here that if you jump off the top you can go through an open window on the 85th floor.' 'No way!' replies the tourist.  'Sure you can- watch me!' says the first man, who jumps off the top.  Sure enough, three minutes later the man appears at the top of the building.  'See?  Now you try,' he says.  The tourist agrees, giving him his camera and wallet for safe-keeping.  He jumps off the top....
....and falls 100 floors to a sticky death on the street below.
'You know,' says the second man to the first, 'you can be a real prick sometimes, Superman...'
 
British Men Fighting

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son!
As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
 
Like it, NA! :ok:

I can't think of any jokes, but here's a funny bunny suicide for you:
096ym.jpg
 
The bunny actually appears to be smiling as he prepares to rip himself apart!  ^_^
 
Conor said:
Would the rope not just snap?
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Which rope?  In theory, if he cuts the rope he's got the saw on, then the two palm trees will spring back into place, ripping him apart.  If you want more, though.....
0478qk.jpg

1_78.jpg

And my personal favourite...
0175ep.jpg
 
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional weight lifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a
professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares. “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain
it five times."
 
Silky said:
Which rope?  In theory, if he cuts the rope he's got the saw on, then the two palm trees will spring back into place, ripping him apart.
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Actually not... the rope that is tied around the little critter will snap under the tension... the bunny will just fall down ;)
 
I think the rope is tied round him in such a way that when the trees snap back into place it will strangulate him around the waist. A bit like tightening a belt.
 
Albie said:
I think the rope is tied round him in such a way that when the trees snap back into place it will strangulate him around the waist. A bit like tightening a belt.
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Meh, it's only a cartoon :P
 
national acrobat said:
Did you hear about the Scarecrow who won the Nobel peace prize?

He was out standing in his field.
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...And we reach new depths of lameness... :yey:

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island after their plane crashed.  They can see the shore half a mile away, but can't swim there because the waters are (as usual) infested with man (and woman) eating sharks.  Suddenly, a lamp washes up on the shore.  The first blonde picks it up, rubs it, and *WHOOMP*, out pops a genie.  'Thank you for freeing me from the lamp,' he intones, 'I will now give you each one wish in gratitude'.  The first blonde says, 'Help me get off this island'.  'Done,' he replies, and turns her into a falcon, which flies to the shore.  The second blonde says, 'Help me off this island, but I want a better way than her'.  'Done,' replies the genire, turning her into a Sea Harrier jump jet, which flies ashore.  The third blonde says, 'Give me the best possible way to get off this island!'.  'Done,' says the genie, who turnes her into a brunette.  The blonde-turned-brunette then walks across the bridge connecting the mainland and island. :p
 
Silky said:
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island after their plane crashed.  They can see the shore half a mile away, but can't swim there because the waters are (as usual) infested with man (and woman) eating sharks.  Suddenly, a lamp washes up on the shore.  The first blonde picks it up, rubs it, and *WHOOMP*, out pops a genie.  'Thank you for freeing me from the lamp,' he intones, 'I will now give you each one wish in gratitude'.  The first blonde says, 'Help me get off this island'.  'Done,' he replies, and turns her into a falcon, which flies to the shore.  The second blonde says, 'Help me off this island, but I want a better way than her'.  'Done,' replies the genire, turning her into a Sea Harrier jump jet, which flies ashore.  The third blonde says, 'Give me the best possible way to get off this island!'.  'Done,' says the genie, who turnes her into a brunette.  The blonde-turned-brunette then walks across the bridge connecting the mainland and island. :p
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I heard this joke recently, just swap blond for man and brunnete for woman. Suffice to say it came from my sister! :rolleyes:

Silky said:
...And we reach new depths of lameness... :yey:
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You want lame..........
national acrobat said:
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
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national acrobat said:
You want to hear something really lame, I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. :-[
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If I could put a capital C on this smiley I would, but: ^_^
 
Did you hear about the tv antenas that got married?
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent
:rolleyes:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
 
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