See if you get the answer before you get to the bottom of the page:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to get safely out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
There was me trying to work this out logically - "ah but you don't specify what direction the other vehicles etc. are travelling. They could all be in the other lane heading in the opposite direction, you just carry on."
Then I see the answer and realise what thread I'm in.
There was me trying to work this out logically - "ah but you don't specify what direction the other vehicles etc. are travelling. They could all be in the other lane heading in the opposite direction, you just carry on."
Then I see the answer and realise what thread I'm in.
National Acrobat is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Nushnool spoke up: 'Hey Jack, you're a betting man aren't you?'
'Maybe Nush, what did you have in mind.'
'Well Jack, I will bet you £1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.'
Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made.' 'Okay Nushnool, you're on.'
Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Nush- give it your best shot.'
National Acrobat unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Nushnool was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost £1,000.'
'Well Jack, you see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a cheque.'
'Yeah, what about him.'
'Well I just bet him £10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.'
In a small town in the U.S.A. there lived an old couple. For dinner this day, the wife decides to make cooked hen. The wife took a hen from the hencage and chopped it's head of and removed all the guts.
Then she threw the guts in the toilet, and she forgot to flush. Ten minutes later she could see her husband running for the toilet. He shuts the toiletdoor quickly to make his business. He also forgot to flush.
When he was about to leave the toilet he discovered the bloody guts lying in the toilet he got terrified and screamed. The wife came running a few minutes later and asked what was going on while she looked at the guts in the toilet. "It did hurt when it came out, but even more when I pushed my guts back in!" sobbed the husband.
Another lame joke emailed to me this morning, but this one is quite funny.
On her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three of the England Football team wearing their white tops, sped into view.
One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows bugger all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"
I received this joke like 2 days ago and I tought I would post it. First time I've read it I was almost crying because it's too funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too .... you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Adrian and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs.. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my god!!" Mrs.Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs.. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate."
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. ..... Madam? ..... Madam? ...... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
That's what you call wrong place at the wrong moment, lmao.
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes
in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.
When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth
with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't!
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they
look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice!"
An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?
An inmate escapes from the lunatic asylum and seeks sanctuary in a launderette. Not having seen a woman for several years (and the effects of the bromide wearing off), he forces his attentions on the female customers. He then runs off, as he hears the sound of a siren getting nearer.
The headline in the local news, the following day reads
"Nut Screws Washers and Bolts." Man wearing carpet slippers and a dressing gown staggers into a pub which is next door to a hospital.
He requests a double whisky, drinks it straight down and asks for a refill, adding "Mind you, I shouldn't be drinking double whiskies with what I've got."
"Why? What have you got?" enquires the barman.
"Fifty pence!" A party of visitors accidentally got locked in the deep freeze at the denture factory. None survived.
A young female patient (notice, I did not say 'blonde') just left the doctor's office. She comes back a minute later, asking: "Doctor, was it Taurus or Aries again?" "Cancer, Miss Stuart, Cancer."
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That's the best joke on here yet.
