Lame and not so lame jokes

[!--quoteo(post=135121:date=Apr 18 2006, 09:35 PM:name=fuzzboy)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(fuzzboy @ Apr 18 2006, 09:35 PM) [snapback]135121[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
Me, Black dragon, Ascendancy, and an emo kid fall off of a cliff. Me, Black dragon, and Ascendancy fall of while preforming the sacred ritual of *name too tr00 for this forum*, and the emo kid falls off because he wants to kill himself. Who dies first?
Me, Black dragon, and Ascendancy because we drown in the emo kids tears.
>:[
[/quote]
That was a kreig one.
It gets :: :: :: :: :: out of :: :: :: :: ::
 
Nice jokes Albie and Fuzzboy, that reminds me of another one:

-A smart blonde, a dumb blonde and Santa Clause fall off a bridge. Who dies first?

-The dumb blonde - the other two don't exist [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\":P\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
 
[!--quoteo(post=135121:date=Apr 18 2006, 09:35 PM:name=fuzzboy)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(fuzzboy @ Apr 18 2006, 09:35 PM) [snapback]135121[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
Me, Black dragon, Ascendancy, and an emo kid fall off of a cliff. Me, Black dragon, and Ascendancy fall of while preforming the sacred ritual of *name too tr00 for this forum*, and the emo kid falls off because he wants to kill himself. Who dies first?
Me, Black dragon, and Ascendancy because we drown in the emo kids tears.

>:[
[/quote]
Yes, but it should be "Black Dragon, Ascendancy and *I*". Joke declared void on account of use of anti-grammar three times.
Actually I've just noticed a few more. Oh dear.


[img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/cool.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\"B)\" border=\"0\" alt=\"cool.gif\" /]
 
voidness voided because this is the madness forum [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\":D\" border=\"0\" alt=\"biggrin.gif\" /]

a group of four nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them and says "welcome sisters, now becuase you are nuns all you have to do is confess your worse sin, wash it away with the holy water in the fountain by the Gates and go in. He aproaches the first nun, "so sister what is the worst thing you've ever done?" "Well St. Peter, I cannot lie, I've seen a man naked" "That's alright sister, just wash your eyes in the Holy Water and go in." He approaches the second nun, "So sister, what is the worst thing you've done?" "St. Peter, I cannot lie, I've touched a man's penis" That's ok sister, just wash your hands in the Holy Water and go in" As he says this he notices the last to nuns fighting and he says "hey, what is going on here?" and one of them says "I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
 
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. Last week I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
 
I made this one up myself so try not to split your sides from laughing too much [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/wink.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\";)\" border=\"0\" alt=\"wink.gif\" /]

Many people have different views on the song "The Wizard" by Black Sabbath. Most people think it is a song about drugs, and the wizard was the band's drug dealer at that time.

Other people believe geezer's proclamation that the song was inspired by the character of Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings books.

The third theory to the song is that "The Wizard" is in fact a member of the band itself. I personally think that "The Wizard" is Ozz [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\":P\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]

Geddit? ::
 
[!--quoteo(post=135457:date=Apr 22 2006, 06:12 PM:name=Conor)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Conor @ Apr 22 2006, 06:12 PM) [snapback]135457[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
I made this one up myself so try not to split your sides from laughing too much [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/wink.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\";)\" border=\"0\" alt=\"wink.gif\" /]

Many people have different views on the song "The Wizard" by Black Sabbath. Most people think it is a song about drugs, and the wizard was the band's drug dealer at that time.

Other people believe geezer's proclamation that the song was inspired by the character of Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings books.

The third theory to the song is that "The Wizard" is in fact a member of the band itself. I personally think that "The Wizard" is Ozz [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\":P\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]

Geddit? ::
[/quote]

Nice to see you're determined to keep this thread on the 'lame jokes' track, Connor [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\":P\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]

Since I'm posting, I might as well add one myself:

A man is picking his daughter up from school one day, and when she gets into the car she says, 'Daddy, what are those dogs doing?' Her father looks over and, sure enough, sees two dogs happily doing nature's will. Thinking quickly, so as to preserve his daughter's innocence, he replies, 'Well, honey, Mr. Dog has hurt his front paws, and that's why Ms. Dog is giving him a piggyback home'. 'Typical,' she responds, 'everytime you try to help someone, they just turn around anf f**k you.'
[img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\":P\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
 
[!--quoteo(post=135460:date=Apr 22 2006, 06:55 PM:name=Child of the Grave)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Child of the Grave @ Apr 22 2006, 06:55 PM) [snapback]135460[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
I don't get it.
[/quote]
Surely you jest?
 
Conor, that is truly terrible.

The Drunk vs. The Nun
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.

Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
 
WARNING: If you are of African or Hispanic race, and cannot take a joke, please do not read the next three jokes. I did not make these, I heard them on a TV show. You've been warned.

What's the difference betweeen a [strike]black[/strike] African guy and pizza?
Pizza can feed a family of 4.

Why are a cueball and and a [strike]Mexican[/strike] Hispanic similar?
The more you hit them the more English they pick up.

A [strike]black guy[/strike] African and a [strike]Mexican[/strike] Hispanic are in a car. Who's driving?
A cop.
 
Racist and inappropriate Child of the Grave, I suggest you edit this post if you don't want alot of people offended.
 
[!--quoteo(post=135502:date=Apr 23 2006, 10:53 AM:name=Hunlord)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Hunlord @ Apr 23 2006, 10:53 AM) [snapback]135502[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
Racist and inappropriate Child of the Grave, I suggest you edit this post if you don't want alot of people offended.
[/quote]
Done.

Kinda. I put a warning above it and crossed out some stuff. Does that help? I honestly do not mean to offend anybody. They're just jokes. Not real. My African-American brother heard those and laughed. So I thought they were OK to put on here.
 
[!--quoteo(post=135507:date=Apr 23 2006, 01:16 PM:name=Hunlord)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Hunlord @ Apr 23 2006, 01:16 PM) [snapback]135507[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
Its not the words that I find offensive, its the context that they're used in, but you bee the judge.
[/quote]
They are jokes. They are NOT meant to be taken seriously.

And besides, how do you think nuns feel about all those jokes about them? [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\":P\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
 
[!--quoteo(post=135564:date=Apr 24 2006, 08:19 PM:name=national acrobat)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(national acrobat @ Apr 24 2006, 08:19 PM) [snapback]135564[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
I don't know, how many nuns do you expect to find on a Maiden forum?
[/quote]

None...or should I say nun! [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\":P\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
(Yep, that was my lame joke for today.)
 
[!--quoteo(post=135502:date=Apr 23 2006, 03:53 PM:name=Hunlord)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Hunlord @ Apr 23 2006, 03:53 PM) [snapback]135502[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
Racist and inappropriate Child of the Grave, I suggest you edit this post if you don't want alot of people offended.
[/quote]
Personallly I found them hilarious. I'm Mexican and could care less, as long as it is funny.

How do you stop a Mexican tank?

you shoot the people pushing it.



An American a Frenchman and a Mexican are standing by a river. The Frenchman throws in 10 barrels of wine. the Mexican asks, "why did you do that?" "well, there is so much wine in my country we can throw some away. The Mexican then throws in ten sacks of tortillas. The American asks, "why did you do that?" "Well there are so many tortillas in my country we can throw some away." The American hesitates a little, then, not wanting to be left behind grabs the Mexican and throws him in the river.
 
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He narrowed it down to one of two people -- Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that whichever one used the water cooler first the following morning would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."
 
A man living on his own decided that he was bored of his life and would do something about it. So in a moment of daring, he decided to join the nudist club down the road.

He walks up to the girl at the desk and tells her he'd like a years membership at the club. "Excellent Sir!" she says "If you'd like to leave all your clothing here at the reception, I'll look after them untill you are ready to leave."

So he strips off, hands the girl his clothes and decides to go for a drink in the bar first. He orders a pint and as he does notices a very attractive young women, sipping her drink. He can't help but stare at her lovely body, and ends up getting a massive erection. Seeing this the girl strolls up to him and says "You called?" the man is a little embarrassed and says "I'm sorry, I didn't say anything. The girl smiles and says "You must be new here. It's a known rule that when a man gets an erection he's asking the woman he's looking at to have sex with him, and I'd love to." And she bends over a bar stool. Unable to believe how great the bar is, he gives her a good seeing to.

Afterwards he decides to go for a Sauna. While sitting in there he is so relaxed he lets rip a huge fart. The young man sitting next to him looks over and says "You called?" a little worried the older man says "No, sorry mate I didn't say anything!" The young man smiles and says "Ahh you must be new here, it's a known rule that when a man farts he wants to have sex with the man he's with at the time."

Completely freaked out the older man dashes out of the Sauna, and runs back to the reception desk saying he's changed his mind and would like his money back. "But Sir!" the receptionist says "You haven't seen our games room, the pool or the golf course yet, I'm sure you'd love it!" he sighs and says ...

"Look love, I'm 60 years old, I fart 50 times a day and get an erection once a month, I want my bloody clothes back!"
 
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