Lame and not so lame jokes

[!--quoteo(post=134467:date=Apr 10 2006, 01:22 AM:name=fuzzboy)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(fuzzboy @ Apr 10 2006, 01:22 AM) [snapback]134467[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
Why is there no more White-out, in california?

Ask Michael Jackson.
[/quote]
What have Michael Jackson and Santa Clause got in common?















They both go into little children's rooms and empty their sacks.
 
Conor died and went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to Cod to ask a question. ''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' Conor asked. ''Well,'' said Cod, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.'' ''Well, where's my clock?'' asked Conor. ''It's in the office,'' replied Cod. ''We use it as a fan.''
 
We have now crossed the line. The jokes are starting to be funny. [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\":P\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
 
Clubbers in the north of England have recently taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes. This practice is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

A police spokesperson said: "If you are approached by a Northerner offering you 'E by gum' , you should report them immediately."
 
[!--quoteo(post=134541:date=Apr 11 2006, 11:33 AM:name=national acrobat)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(national acrobat @ Apr 11 2006, 11:33 AM) [snapback]134541[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
Clubbers in the north of England have recently taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes. This practice is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

A police spokesperson said: "If you are approached by a Northerner offering you 'E by gum' , you should report them immediately."
[/quote]
That has got to be the pick of the bunch.
 
[!--quoteo(post=134770:date=Apr 13 2006, 08:41 PM:name=national acrobat)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(national acrobat @ Apr 13 2006, 08:41 PM) [snapback]134770[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
[/quote]
And the jokes get better! ::
 
The Pope calls all the cardinals for an emergency meeting and as they are all wondering what is going on the Pope enters with a very gr1m expression on his face. One cardinal asks, "What's wrong?" the Pope says, "I just got a phone call," "Who was it?" "Jesus, he's back." All the Cardinals start to cheer and jump out of their seats and another asks "so why do you look so sad your Holiness?" "It was a collect call from Salt Lake City."
 
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
 
[!--quoteo(post=135005:date=Apr 16 2006, 11:32 PM:name=national acrobat)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(national acrobat @ Apr 16 2006, 11:32 PM) [snapback]135005[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
"Father Donavon"
"Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father."
"Brenda O'Malley?"
"Patricia Kelly?"
"Brydie Shannon?"
"Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"Fiona McDonald"
"The priest"
"You're a steadfast lad"
"Tommy Shaughnessy"
"Be off with you now."
"Tommy"
"Sean"
[/quote]
What's with this anti-Irish libel? ::
 
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
 
Two whales are swimming in the Atlantic when they see a whaling vessel on the horizon. One of them recognises it and says to the other, 'Hey, that's the whaler that killed my brother, Ned! Let's get them!' So, both whales dive and swim up under the vessel. They then breach water and blow water out of their blow-holes at the vessel, completely shattering it and thrwoing the sailors into the sea. The first whale shouts, 'Great, now let's chew these bastards up!' The second whale says, 'No, the blow job was okay, but I'm not eating seamen' ::
 
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.
The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES".
 
Two emos are on a boat.

The first one falls into the water and drowns. What does the other one do?












Cries. >>>>:[
 
Jesus has just been crusified and he starts calling for Peter, "Peter, come quick, I must tell you something." Peter starts working his way through the crowd but there are so many that he doesn't get to far. Jesus again cries, "Peter, Peter come quickly, time is running out!" Peter then begins to barge his way through the crowd throwing an elbow here and there, but gets stopped by two Roman centurians. Jesus calls down one last time, "Peter, Peter, please hurry I feel my time has come!" Peter, desprate to know what Jesus wants breaks free from the Centurians, climbs the ladder and out of breath says, "I'm here Jesus, I'm here, now, what is so important!?"
Jesus says, "I can see your house from here."
 
::

A group of 40 scousers turned up at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter said, "Bloody hell lads, what happened?"

A buck-toothed young hooligan stepped forward from the rabble and said "Well, sir, our coach crashed on the way back from a football match!"

St Peter was saddened and accepted their excuse. "But" he said "I can only let 15 of the best ones out of you in! I'll go and get the files of you all, stay here."

On the way to get the files St Peter sees Cod and explains about the scousers. Cod's baffled and says that peter must stick to the given limit. On the way back he notices the scousers have left. He rushes back to Cod.

"Lord, THEY'VE GONE!"

"No matter, more room in heaven!"

"NO... THE GATES... THEY'RE GONE!"
 
You may need to be a techie to get this (or at least have dealings with them), but all the same - it is one of the best I've heard in a while: (it was sent internally at work today, so certian names had to be masked out)

A Web hosting company Tech joined the army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why.

"What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I worked at <original name of company deleted>, the company that hosts <original web site deleted>" replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see...."

The Tech checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!

"Well," the Tech said, writhing in pain, "The bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!
 
Me, Black dragon, Ascendancy, and an emo kid fall off of a cliff. Me, Black dragon, and Ascendancy fall of while preforming the sacred ritual of *name too tr00 for this forum*, and the emo kid falls off because he wants to kill himself. Who dies first?







Me, Black dragon, and Ascendancy because we drown in the emo kids tears.

>:[
 
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