A
Anonymous
Guest
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and pope John Paul II?
The pope is dead.
The pope is dead.
Lame and not so lame jokes
- Thread starter IronDuke
- Start date
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
That is an incredibly rubbish joke. Here's a better one:
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his arse off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his arse off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
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Anonymous
Guest
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
A chicken is incapable of reasoning why it is crossing the road, it just did.
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
A chicken is incapable of reasoning why it is crossing the road, it just did.
A
Anonymous
Guest
What is the difference between Slovakia and Slovenia?
They're two different countries.
They're two different countries.
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"
The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"
The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
A
Anonymous
Guest
A little boy goes up to his father and asks him, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" the dad replys, "He is both." Then the little boy asks, " Daddy, is god black or white?" and the father replys "He is both."
The little boy walks away, and eventually comes back and asks "Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"
The little boy walks away, and eventually comes back and asks "Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"
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Anonymous
Guest
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work ?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work ?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost ?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want chips with that ?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work ?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost ?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want chips with that ?"
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
Now I know what my future holds. Thanks Perun!
((((RING)))) (((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi hon, it's Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window. He landed in the cucumbers - they're fucked dad then he tripped and fell into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead Dad"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool, what fucking swimming pool? Is this Cottingham 623123?"
((((RING)))) (((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi hon, it's Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window. He landed in the cucumbers - they're fucked dad then he tripped and fell into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead Dad"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool, what fucking swimming pool? Is this Cottingham 623123?"
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Anonymous
Guest
[!--quoteo(post=133179:date=Mar 28 2006, 01:41 PM:name=national acrobat)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(national acrobat @ Mar 28 2006, 01:41 PM) [snapback]133179[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
:: Harsh, but.... ::
[/quote]
Thanks. It's time for me to whip out my coveted Iron Maiden jokes:
What does Eddie eat for breakfast?
Cereal (Killers)
Why was Sharon Osbourne not at the final Ozzfest gig last year?
She was too busy filming her new reality TV programme, "The Eggs Factor"
Which IM member is Scottish?
Steve Haggis
Which IM member is a paedophile?
Bruce Dick-in-son
::
:: Harsh, but.... ::
[/quote]
Thanks. It's time for me to whip out my coveted Iron Maiden jokes:
What does Eddie eat for breakfast?
Cereal (Killers)
Why was Sharon Osbourne not at the final Ozzfest gig last year?
She was too busy filming her new reality TV programme, "The Eggs Factor"
Which IM member is Scottish?
Steve Haggis
Which IM member is a paedophile?
Bruce Dick-in-son
::
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Anonymous
Guest
H, Conor, those are awful!
dogigniter
Ancient Mariner
The Steve Haggis one at least makes sense [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/smile.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\"
\" border=\"0\" alt=\"smile.gif\" /]
\" border=\"0\" alt=\"smile.gif\" /]
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
Taxi for Conor!
Two nuns driving trough a wood when a Vampire lands on the bonnet
One Nun screams "Quick sister, show him your cross!"
The other nun leans out the window and shouts "Get off my bonnet you c*nt!!"
Two nuns driving trough a wood when a Vampire lands on the bonnet
One Nun screams "Quick sister, show him your cross!"
The other nun leans out the window and shouts "Get off my bonnet you c*nt!!"
A
Anonymous
Guest
Nice one NA. Another nun joke:
At the Sisters of Mercy convent, sisters Naverick and Repun are told to go and paint the recreational room. The mother supreme, MSX tells them to cover the whole room, and yet not get any paint on their own clothes.
After a period of deliberance, the two nuns decide that to do the job, they should paint naked. They take off their habits and lock the room and get down to some serious painting.
Sister Naverick hears a knock on the door and before opening it, calls out, "Who's there?" for fear of being seen naked by the mother supreme. The reply comes from behind the door, "Just a blind man here".
Repun opens the door and to her shock, finds a man in overalls and a tape measure in his hands. He says, "How are you doing sisters? I was just wondering where you wanted these Venetian blinds put up" [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\"
\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
At the Sisters of Mercy convent, sisters Naverick and Repun are told to go and paint the recreational room. The mother supreme, MSX tells them to cover the whole room, and yet not get any paint on their own clothes.
After a period of deliberance, the two nuns decide that to do the job, they should paint naked. They take off their habits and lock the room and get down to some serious painting.
Sister Naverick hears a knock on the door and before opening it, calls out, "Who's there?" for fear of being seen naked by the mother supreme. The reply comes from behind the door, "Just a blind man here".
Repun opens the door and to her shock, finds a man in overalls and a tape measure in his hands. He says, "How are you doing sisters? I was just wondering where you wanted these Venetian blinds put up" [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\"
\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
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Anonymous
Guest
[!--quoteo(post=132813:date=Mar 23 2006, 10:09 PM:name=Conor)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Conor @ Mar 23 2006, 10:09 PM) [snapback]132813[/snapback][/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]
Why did the girl have no friends?
-She was in a wheelchair.
[/quote]
How did she get some new friends?
-She bought a packet of sweets [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\"\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
Why did the girl have no friends?
-She was in a wheelchair.
[/quote]
How did she get some new friends?
-She bought a packet of sweets [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\"
\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eye.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/wink.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\"
\" border=\"0\" alt=\"wink.gif\" /]
Poke him in the eye.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/wink.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\"
\" border=\"0\" alt=\"wink.gif\" /]
A
Anonymous
Guest
What did 50 Cent say to Dr. Dre when he made him a sweater?
Gee You Knit
Gee You Knit
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Anonymous
Guest
Why did the blonde get sacked from the M&M factory?
She kept on throwing out the "W"s [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\"\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
She kept on throwing out the "W"s [img src=\"style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\" style=\"vertical-align:middle\" emoid=\"
\" border=\"0\" alt=\"tongue.gif\" /]
A
Anonymous
Guest
Why is there no more White-out, in california?
Ask Michael Jackson.
Ask Michael Jackson.
national acrobat
Ancient Mariner
OK, ready for a really bad joke everyone?
Two prawns, Justin and Christian, are swimming around in the sea.
They are constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrol the area.
Finally, one day, Justin says to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten."
Just as Justin is fantasizing about being a big, strong predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold Justin is transformed into a shark.
Horrified by what's just happened and afraid of being eaten by his old mate, Christian swims away.
After a while of being a shark, Justin finds himself becoming bored and lonely. Whenever he approaches his old mates they all scurry away.
While out swimming alone one day, Justin sees the mysterious cod again and begs the cod to work its magic and turn him back into a prawn so he can hang out with his friends again.
The cod agrees and Justin is tranformed back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his little eyes, he swims back to his friends but his old pal Christian is nowhere to be seen.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, completely distraught that his best friend changed sides and became a shark," the other prawns tell Justin.
So, eager to put things right again and end their mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christian's house.
Banging on the door in an attempt to make up with his pal, he shouts: "Christian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Please come out and see me again."
"No way," Christian replies. "You're a shark, you're the enemy and not to be trusted. How do I know you won't eat me?"
"It's OK now," argues Justin, "I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed. I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"
Two prawns, Justin and Christian, are swimming around in the sea.
They are constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrol the area.
Finally, one day, Justin says to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten."
Just as Justin is fantasizing about being a big, strong predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold Justin is transformed into a shark.
Horrified by what's just happened and afraid of being eaten by his old mate, Christian swims away.
After a while of being a shark, Justin finds himself becoming bored and lonely. Whenever he approaches his old mates they all scurry away.
While out swimming alone one day, Justin sees the mysterious cod again and begs the cod to work its magic and turn him back into a prawn so he can hang out with his friends again.
The cod agrees and Justin is tranformed back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his little eyes, he swims back to his friends but his old pal Christian is nowhere to be seen.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, completely distraught that his best friend changed sides and became a shark," the other prawns tell Justin.
So, eager to put things right again and end their mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christian's house.
Banging on the door in an attempt to make up with his pal, he shouts: "Christian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Please come out and see me again."
"No way," Christian replies. "You're a shark, you're the enemy and not to be trusted. How do I know you won't eat me?"
"It's OK now," argues Justin, "I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed. I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"