General of the Dark Army
Good reply, if anatomically inaccurate.
Forget about Lynch. Contact Neil Gaiman.Instead of packing your own lunch like a normal person you decided to be "that guy" who starts stealing lunches from the break room. It all starts innocently enough taking Javi's burrito and getting some enjoyment watching him tear up at the sight of his missing nourishment. You secretly laugh to yourself while stuffing you fat thieving face with poor Javi's burrito. Soon it escalates to taking Samantha's Caesar Salads and Bartholomew's home made meatballs. Do you care his wife added her secret ingredient, love? Of course you do! That's why you gunned for it in the first place, not as delicious as the tears of your enemies, but a close second.
It was all fun and misery until you crossed that line, you went too far. You took Trent's ice cream cake for dessert after abolishing Chelsea's Mac 'n' Cheese. Trent is one PTSD trigger away from gunning down the whole office, but thanks to your blatant disregard for other people's food he has decided to make it his mission to hunt you down. And by mission I literally mean mission. This man did two Afghan tours, three in Iraq and then went back to Afghanistan as a tourist just for shits and giggles... yeah... hardcore. Quietly he works in his basement listening to Anthrax as he mixes all sort of biochemicals he, um, "saved up," from his active duty, you know, for emergencies such as these.
The following Monday he walks out of the break room practically yelling, "Oh boy! Can't wait for lunch time as I procured to most scandilicious ice cream cake this side of the solar system!" You, being the thieving moron that you are, take the bait and gun for his cake 15 minutes before break. The timing was perfect, as the rest of the office goes to break you begin to feel a little funny. And by "a little funny," I mean eminent death. Your insides begin to burn and you double over in pain. The rest of the office rushes to you as you scream, "holy donkey dick! MY ASS!" While at first they are concerned it slowly dawns on them you have been stealing their lunches all along and instead give you a quiet, cult-like stare with a matching smile. "PLEASE, help me! MY ASS! MY FUCKING URETHRA! OH MY GODS, THE OLD AND THE NEW! THE BURNING!" No one calls 911 as they are mystified with your obsession in focusing on your ass and penis when your eyes are literally melting off your face... along with your face. Soon after your very entertainig death the janitor mops you up with the same puke sand they use in high schools, Trent is given a raise, a promotion and a medal. This brings back good memories of his days in the service which bolsters his self-esteem and those thoughts of suicide that crept into his dreams before you stole his ice cream cake are gone.
I hope you take solace in the fact you have saved Trent, you thieving bastard... just make your own lunches!
I wish my dogs could talk.
I've never read Gaiman, but he keeps coming up in recommendations.... guess I should check him out. Not gonna lie, this felt good, had been a while since I killed a dream lol.Forget about Lynch. Contact Neil Gaiman.
Because the Universe is far away and everyone is pleading for bigger penises and boobs, it mishears your straightforward request. Instead of getting Adrian Smith's, the guitarist, "green jackson," from the BOS tour, you get Adrian Smith's, the model, green jacket he sported for the launch of the new BOSS fragrance: Overcompensation, for Men.I wish I had Adrian Smith's green Jackson from the BOS tour.
You get an aircon unit capable of chilling your house to the temperature of an industrial-grade refrigerator. However, its voracious energy consumption causes your power bill to increase tenfold, sending you broke and eventually forcing you to live on the street, wherin you turn the colour of a well-cooked lobster under the relentless sun.I wish I had A/C to deal with this heat! BLAAARRRGGGHHH
So after too many play throughs of Destiny and binging on Futurama, you decide that old axiom of, "It's never too late to follow your dreams," couldn't be more appropriate. You quit your lucrative lion tamer job, tell your fiancee to bugger of and buy several Space for Dummies books with their companion text, So You Decided to Quit Your Lion Tamer Job and Tell Your Fiancee to Bugger Off and Become an Astronaut, and your quest begins, or as Destiny would say... "Adventure."I wish I could visit the Moon.