Spambot's awful weekend in Ljubljana, part 2
The day of an Iron Maiden gig.
Always a special one (unless you had an uneventful time like me yesterday.)
And it’s the first date of a new tour!
While we’re at it, what the fu** is all the secrecy about?! I mean, come on! It’s like going to a restaurant and you’re handed a menu where it just says “Food.” OK, food, it must be mac ‘n’ cheese, right? Everybody can make mac ‘n’ cheese, everybody loves mac ‘n’ cheese. No, you get some steak Rasputin or whatever and some puree with bacon chips. There’s, like, a fork AND a knife, and I have to use both hands, seriously, I’m there to eat, not work. It was the same with this gig. I go to your show and even if I’m fine with not knowing what I am getting, you serve me 7 songs that I’ve never heard before?! If you’re going to be that bold - then serve me every song I haven’t heard before! This way, it doesn’t stink nor does it smell nice. Go up and make up your mind, Maiden. But, I’m getting ahead of myself, sorry (still frustrated). Let’s start at the beginning.
Sunday morning in the city center (no, it wasn’t any less vibrant than yesterday, and no, those restaurants/pubs didn’t put me in some booth inside.) and in the afternoon I’m heading to the arena (yes, on a bike and; no, the distances didn’t prolong themselves). On my way there every other person is wearing a Maiden shirt and every bar is blasting Iron Maiden music. Get a hold of yourselves people!!!! Your bar isn’t Stožice arena to blast Iron Maiden and you people aren’t Janick or Dave to wear a Maiden shirt. FFS, behave.
Hordes of people are happily going into the arena. What are you happy about if you don’t know what’s gonna happen? It’s like going to the dentist, it can be just a routine check or he can drill your jaw for two hours (at moments, the gig really felt like that). Unfortunately, we were late to see Raven Age, so now I won't make a t-shirt that says “I saw Raven Age 3 times, what’s your superpower?” I guess they’ll be UK contestants for next year’s Eurovision, so there’s always hope.
Around 9 PM “Doctor, Doctor” starts (and the show was scheduled for 20:50, who’s paying me for those 10 minutes?!). Right, nobody ever heard that before. How original Maiden, how original. The people started jumping and clapping, I guess because they didn’t have to wait anymore and the sooner the show starts the sooner will it end and they’ll be home. Which I wished I could’ve been at that moment; throwing glimpses on fake setlists while watching Star Trek. You can’t have it all, I guess.
Neon lights flash over the stage and I guess it is supposed to be SIT stage, but no, there are also some screens aside. But there’s also a drape. Are those drapes really? It looks like a digital screen but on a drape. Screen-drape? But what is that at the side of the stage? It confuses me, which means I don’t like it. Go and make up your mind, Maiden. The band hasn’t even exited and they throw us some theme from some movie I haven’t seen and at that moment I had a feeling this is going to be a clusterfuck.
And it was. Caught Somewhere in Time. Really, you’re opening with a song that you haven’t played since 1987? Can you believe how old that is? I’m 36 years old and that song is older than me! I know you guys are old, but do you have to show us that right the first moment you come out?! And there’s a reference from an old movie, Back to the Future, you know one, where a mother wants to bang her own kid, and some even older movie, with Harrison Ford (no, not Indiana Jones 4 which I’m eagerly awaiting. This one is old, ergo, bad.)
But, like that wasn’t enough, here’s some other old song, Stranger in a Strange Land. And suddenly, there’s Eddie walking, the second song in a show, welcomed like a premature ejaculation. At this moment, I’m afraid that this could be the whole stage we’re getting – and I was right. Gone long are the days when you look at the stagehands running around, taking props off, or an empty stage for a couple of minutes, or just stand there in the darkness. You know, the interesting stuff. No, the songs just keep on going one after another – you have to jump and clap and cheer and Bruce is telling you to do stuff. FFS Bruce, I’m here to have fun, not to work.
I’m looking around to see how real Maiden fans behave, but… There are not enough mobile phones in the air, which doesn’t help me at all. Meanwhile, the band decided not to play old songs (which are bad, because they’re old.) They decided to play brand-new songs! What in the actual fu**?! Can you make up your mind? You see now why those worlds were a good thing?! If I knew what was going to happen I would be gone for a toilet break, or a beer or something. You know, things you look forward to when you're at a live gig.
And to make things worse, these weren’t new songs that we’d heard before, no, they were new songs never played before. Five songs in and four of them I hear for the first time. I wondered does my Netflix account work in another country, maybe there’s a way to make this fun adventure after all.
Meanwhile, instead of seeing the stagehand running around we see the whole band and Bruce is talking about shit. Literally. First, he acknowledged where we were, talking about Lake Bled, the hill in Ljubljana, and so on (duh, we get it!) and then he takes something that is universal to all people in the world – toilet humor. Mr. Bruce, heavy metal is a serious business, get a hold of yourself.
Speaking of serious business, I really thought they were professionals. I mean, isn’t Adrian considered God? Then how didn’t he fix those monitoring issues just by looking at somebody? Same as Bruce. How did it take them 2-3 seconds to get in sync together after falling apart? Gentlemen, I paid 105 euros for the ticket, and for that money I expect you to get every song right, note by note. There are only six of you, shouldn’t be that hard. If it needs to be - stop and start over from the beginning. I’ve waited for 10 minutes, I can wait a bit more. No, they have fallen out of tune only to find it really quick and kept pummeling on.
And while we’re here, let’s talk about the elephant in the room – Nicko. How the fuck dare you?! How dare you stand behind that sacred kit and simplify the songs?! How dare you adjust the song to your playing ability? How dare you take songs that you recorded three decades ago and adjust them over time?! You or any other member haven’t done this before!!! Until this gig, every song, every tune, kick, fill, solo, and verse was played exactly as it were on the album, it didn’t even matter whether were they played by the original artist or by yourself. And now, when you’re 70 – you decided to be experimental?! Fuck off. One good thing that you did is built that wall of toms so we can’t see you. That way, Maiden can replace you and nobody would even notice. You can go out at the end of the show in that slippers of yours, smile, wave, and throw sticks, you lazy arthritis wanker.
I haven’t mentioned the setlist in a while. Do I have to? Fine. So, there is this song called The Prisoner from the same album that had Run to the Hills, Hallowed be Thy Name, and The Number of the Beast – which weren’t played!!! (remember that comparison with mac ‘n’ cheese, yeah, I’m using it again.) There’s “Can I Play with Madness” and that’s… I mean, that single was only at Nr 3 at the UK charts (didn’t even reach first place, pft). What else? Heaven Can Wait? Lame, only heard it last time 15 years ago (do I have to mention again that it’s old?)
There was this big ruff about a certain song being played – Alexander the Great. Apparently, they made it in 1986 and it’s never been played live. Do you know what else wasn’t played live? The Apparition. Another one? Invaders. Want more? Quest For Fire. When somebody mentions those songs, people always respond “They’re not going to play that one” and Alexander was one of them. You know what they say – you are, who you’re hanging out with. And Alexander’s company were dinosaurs, rapists, and whatever Apparition was supposed to be. Unfortunately, Alexander moved to the category “They shouldn’t play that one.” No big speech, no special world built for him, just six of them on a stage, marching this one from start to finish.
While we’re here, they didn’t even use the intro tape for this one, not even for Hell on Earth. No, they played the whole thing from the start. What were they afraid of, that they were gonna had to pay royalties to… themselves? FFS guys, when you can’t play those songs, at least let us hear them on a prerecorded track.
Iron Maiden (the song) had two Eddies. One of them was ugly because it was pink and that is the ugliest color. Fact, not opinion. It was so ugly that I didn’t even see the walk-on Eddie who was at the stage at the same time. For 105 euros, you have that ramp up there on the stage that isn’t used anymore because Bruce had a hip replacement or knee surgery or broken Achilees heel or cancer or something (TBH, the guy is in shambles, they had to put him in some coat and googles just to keep him in one piece, like Cyrax for Mortal Kombat). Why don’t you use that ramp and just have those 3 or 4 or how many Eddies up there for the whole show so we can have a look at them properly, at least we could look at something instead of some 65-70 years olds butchering their instruments.
Maiden have Hell on Earth in the encore. Why? Why are they doing something for the first time? And pyro. Why? I want to listen to the song, not look at the pyro. There’s just too much of it. And before that, Bruce was shooting a laser gun at Eddie. Do people think violence is fun? Fire is fun? Jumping, clapping, and singing is fun? No. I want songs, the way they are, the same way I can listen to them any time of any day. That’s what I want when I go see a live show. Exact copies as they were recorded, the same ones I can listen to right now.
At the end of the show, Bruce is yelling “Every night we play is the best fucking night of our lives” Well, great for you lads, but me - I’m already scheduling my psychiatrist. Adrian and the audience are wailing like dying cats “Wasted Yeaaars” and all I can think about are wasted days and wasted money I spent in Ljubljana.
They say their goodbyes, throw some garbage they don’t need anymore in the audience, and “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” starts over speakers. I can’t. After this night, I can’t look on the bright side of life, not anymore.
I’m a different man.