Mental Health Thread
- Thread starter JudasMyGuide
- Start date
MindRuler
Ancient Mariner
No need to apologize, Saapanael. It's good to talk (or write) about things.
Saap, I don't want to belittle your feelings and problems, but I do want to point out one thing: There are no normal people and everyone wishes they were normal about something. I'm not saying everyone is going through what you are, I'm saying try not to idealise people, especially if you mean to compare yourself with them.
Onhell
Infinite Dreamer
Well, yea, everyone is different and most times you gotta cycle through several before finding what works.
Black Abyss Babe
I live for my dreams and a pocket full of gold
Don't worry Saap - sometimes we all just need to offload and that's one of the things this thread is for (and remember there are people offloading about much less pressing concerns all the time in the "Rant Thread" 
). I was glad you felt better afterwards too - sometimes just finding the words to quantify and express a problem can help to make it seem less overwhelming. I wish I could be as coherent as you when it comes to explaining my problems.
). I was glad you felt better afterwards too - sometimes just finding the words to quantify and express a problem can help to make it seem less overwhelming. I wish I could be as coherent as you when it comes to explaining my problems.
Lamia020281
Educated Fool
A strange thing happened with the arrival of the Corona restrictions. I have a bit of a background with a fear of germs and OCD, but that pretty much ended with the situation. I haven't been afraid of Corona, not at all. I have noticed though that social anxiety has increased, when I was lots at home alone, it was often difficult to go to the grocery store. When I went there, I was afraid that people were staring at me, which they really were not. I was also disproportionally worried that people would disapprove if I needed to cough or something, or if they felt I don't keep enogh distance. Nothing like that ever happened. Now I obsess about catching a cold, then having to go to a Corona test. I've been thinking about trying to take more hygiene measures to avoid the infection, but it feels distressing because I used to do that stuff when my OCD was worse, and I guess I'm a little scared of it getting out of hand.
Lamia020281
Educated Fool
Depends on the situation, of course. But whenever I've thought of doing that, I've come to the conclusion that I will not. One of the reasons is that things are often connected, and burning bridges on one can affect other stuff as well.
D
Deleted member 7164
Guest
Things will change for you. I think you need a challenging job. Something that will use you for 8+ hours daily.
Also lay off Tinder.
Truer words have possibly never been spoken. The first time I had a serious battle with depression I couldn't understand this concept at all, that it was strong to seek help. Only weirdos and weak people need therapy right? Nah. Part of it was me wanting to wallow in self-pity and despair, but with a lot of coaxing I finally talked to someone and, it wasn't easy, but it helped. I needed perspective and a huge kick in the butt, and this is something only another person can do for you...it is very hard, dare I say impossible, to give oneself a kick in the butt. It hasn't magically made the depression go away, but it gave me some very good tools to be able to handle when it starts to grow again.
Incidentally, this forum was here for me in some of my darkest times, and I hope it can be here for you too, @Saapanael .
To answer the question in the thread, the short answer is 'yes'. I've spent a lot of time thinking about death, more so in my late teens, but lately (given everything that's going on around the world), more so. It boils down to 2 things: a regret/sadness/unwillingness to cease to exist and a fear of the consequences of my death. I'd say I'm not that afraid of dying, per se, I'm not worried about being buried alive or something like that, it's more about this abstract concept of my no longer being able to experience things and losing that...makes me sad to think about. I do not want it to happen but I'm not running screaming in the opposite direction. As for fear of consequences, I just can't bear the thought of leaving my partner behind, of the grief I'd be inflicting (yes, I'm aware this makes me sound full of myself). But it's because I can imagine how much grief I would feel if my partner passed away, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So I need to keep existing, if only to spare her that.
Onhell
Infinite Dreamer
Ok, emotional dump time.
Can't remember if I mentioned it before or not, but about a year and a half ago I stopped talking to my mother. Our relationship was very toxic and she said some things to me I took offense to and I basically told her, "we're done, I want nothing to do with you anymore." Walked out, and that was that. For many years I felt my mother still viewed me and treated me like a child, and had no respect for me or others and I had had enough. Everyone, from my brother to my dad and my GF kept insisting I bury the hatchet and I extend an olive branch. I refused, insisting she was the one that commited the offense and I had nothing to apologize for.
What a difference 1.5 years and a death in the family make. my uncle, her eldest brother, passed away two days ago and I knew I had to go say something. So I went, told her I was sorry for her loss and we reminisced about my uncle. I went over at about 11 pm, i left her house at 7am. Yesterday my brother and I went over together and spent the day with her, we went over at around 4pm, my brother went home about 9pm, once again I went home around 7am.
The marathon sessions were due to many factors, but the one from last night was because we finally got to talking about what went down more than a year ago. She explained herself and I explained myself. Most importantly I was honest with her about my depression, I told her about my suicidal ideations when I was 14, the real reason I flunked that one semester in college was because I didn't leave my apartment for 3 months except to go to work, etc. I told her that I wasn't telling her this to excuse my behavior, but for her to have a better perspective of where I was then to where I am today.
She said, "Well, that certainly explains a lot. I always knew there was something... off... about you." We talked about EVERYTHING, but more importantly and I told her flat out, for the first time EVER I felt she was speaking to me as an equal, as another adult person, not a child and I appreciated it. I told her that it wasn't an accident that just 2 years ago I couldn't stand being in the same room with her for more than 2 hours and now I've spent a work day two days in a row.
It did feel good to clear the air, set things straight and begin to repair the damage done. She asked me, "So, why now? What do you want to get out of this?" I told her that one of the three main reason to having come back to Mexico was I wanted to reconnect with my family to which she said, "What family?" "You, dad and my brother." She nodded. And that I wasn't fulfilling that, quite the opposite I was losing them. It took me a year and a half to get my head out of my ass, but that I needed to sort through a lot of things and that I still am, I told her about my therapy and how much it has helped and that I will continue to go.
It's different, that's for sure, but I like the new feeling, hopefully we can keep it going.
Can't remember if I mentioned it before or not, but about a year and a half ago I stopped talking to my mother. Our relationship was very toxic and she said some things to me I took offense to and I basically told her, "we're done, I want nothing to do with you anymore." Walked out, and that was that. For many years I felt my mother still viewed me and treated me like a child, and had no respect for me or others and I had had enough. Everyone, from my brother to my dad and my GF kept insisting I bury the hatchet and I extend an olive branch. I refused, insisting she was the one that commited the offense and I had nothing to apologize for.
What a difference 1.5 years and a death in the family make. my uncle, her eldest brother, passed away two days ago and I knew I had to go say something. So I went, told her I was sorry for her loss and we reminisced about my uncle. I went over at about 11 pm, i left her house at 7am. Yesterday my brother and I went over together and spent the day with her, we went over at around 4pm, my brother went home about 9pm, once again I went home around 7am.
The marathon sessions were due to many factors, but the one from last night was because we finally got to talking about what went down more than a year ago. She explained herself and I explained myself. Most importantly I was honest with her about my depression, I told her about my suicidal ideations when I was 14, the real reason I flunked that one semester in college was because I didn't leave my apartment for 3 months except to go to work, etc. I told her that I wasn't telling her this to excuse my behavior, but for her to have a better perspective of where I was then to where I am today.
She said, "Well, that certainly explains a lot. I always knew there was something... off... about you." We talked about EVERYTHING, but more importantly and I told her flat out, for the first time EVER I felt she was speaking to me as an equal, as another adult person, not a child and I appreciated it. I told her that it wasn't an accident that just 2 years ago I couldn't stand being in the same room with her for more than 2 hours and now I've spent a work day two days in a row.
It did feel good to clear the air, set things straight and begin to repair the damage done. She asked me, "So, why now? What do you want to get out of this?" I told her that one of the three main reason to having come back to Mexico was I wanted to reconnect with my family to which she said, "What family?" "You, dad and my brother." She nodded. And that I wasn't fulfilling that, quite the opposite I was losing them. It took me a year and a half to get my head out of my ass, but that I needed to sort through a lot of things and that I still am, I told her about my therapy and how much it has helped and that I will continue to go.
It's different, that's for sure, but I like the new feeling, hopefully we can keep it going.
Saapanael
Ancient Mariner
Good to hear that, Onhell.
As for me, first lecture of the schoolyear and I can already feel a lot of unnecessary anxiety building up. Mostly because of the social side of things: I don’t want to see and be around those people, yet I’ve got to put on a happy face, just to try and remain positive about it. I don’t want to damn it all to hell yet, perhaps it’s just nerves of the first day, but I can already feel the onset of a misery similar to the past two years of university. Somehow, I should convince myself that I’m only studying here for myself and I don’t need to impress anyone, don’t need anyone’s confirmation. Then again, the thing I study is collaborative in nature so there’s no way around that. I’ve always been a lone wolf and I like it that way but I would greatly benefit from a couple of close friends who would make uni seem like less of a social nightmare.
As for me, first lecture of the schoolyear and I can already feel a lot of unnecessary anxiety building up. Mostly because of the social side of things: I don’t want to see and be around those people, yet I’ve got to put on a happy face, just to try and remain positive about it. I don’t want to damn it all to hell yet, perhaps it’s just nerves of the first day, but I can already feel the onset of a misery similar to the past two years of university. Somehow, I should convince myself that I’m only studying here for myself and I don’t need to impress anyone, don’t need anyone’s confirmation. Then again, the thing I study is collaborative in nature so there’s no way around that. I’ve always been a lone wolf and I like it that way but I would greatly benefit from a couple of close friends who would make uni seem like less of a social nightmare.
Onhell
Infinite Dreamer
Are you doing in-person classes? Or online webcam meetings?
Saapanael
Ancient Mariner
Regular in-person classes.
Onhell
Infinite Dreamer
Wow! We're starting the semester online and MAYBE will go back to in-person if the situation improves.
I know what it's like trying to put on a brave face or having to "act." Just be honest, with yourself and others. Don't pretend, not only is it exhausting to you, but it will eventually make it awkward with others. You will be OK, know your limits and work within them. Best of luck, man. We're here for you.
Saapanael
Ancient Mariner
I could use a friend right now. The noise of the external world is just suffocating. Actually, my control over myself is just slipping through my fingers. In times like these I wish I had someone to talk to. But the city is just a collection of strangers who are all minding their own business and I don’t know how they can pull it off from day to day. Even in university, there’s a lot of students and they all seem to fit in somewhere, or at least pretend to. I’ve given up on trying to fit in because all it’s ever lead to is people using me. Besides, most people there seem so goddamn fixated on themselves, and looking as cool as possible, that it’d be pointless to get to know them. As long as I’m feeling fine about myself, being alone is alright, but when I start to doubt myself and lose control, the loneliness becomes unbearable. I tend to think of myself in my childhood: what an insecure and unsocial kid I used to be. I can’t help but think something would be different if my parents had offered some emotional support instead of fighting 24/7. But it’s no use lingering on the past. Anyway, even though most days are fine and bearable, there are days when it seems like I’m very close to hurting myself.