Mental Health Thread
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Black Abyss Babe
I live for my dreams and a pocket full of gold
Thanks everyone. Good thing is I got there in time to see her, although she wasn't concious by then. My brother and sister had been there earlier in the day and she had been in and out of conciousness then, and at one point said to my sister "I'm sure I look worse than I am". But when she started to sleep they were warned that she might not wake up again, and so it turned out. My sister went to the hospital with me and we sat with her for a while, and just talked about random stuff - she didn't wake but I thought that she might have been trying to react to some of the things we said. She passed peacefully away very shortly after we left - so soon afterwards that the nurses actually came after us, in case we were still in the hospital. I think she may have been waiting for me, and when she had all three of us there she was ready to go. The last thing I said to her was "goodnight Mum".
When my Dad passed away I remember my brother being very stoic but even he seems to have taken this very hard. My sister is very emotional at the best of times. The thing is, my life is now about 200 miles away so when I go back to that I won't have the constant reminders that she's not here anymore. For my sister, who lived with her and is now on her own, it's a different story. At the moment everything reminds her. So apart from arranging the funeral and notifying all the various parties who need to be notified, my main concern is to make sure my sister and brother are alright, especially my sister.
When I get back to my flat in Southampton I will close the door behind me and drop my stuff and the boyfriend will hold out his arms to me. At that point I fully expect I will go completely to pieces for a while.
When my Dad passed away I remember my brother being very stoic but even he seems to have taken this very hard. My sister is very emotional at the best of times. The thing is, my life is now about 200 miles away so when I go back to that I won't have the constant reminders that she's not here anymore. For my sister, who lived with her and is now on her own, it's a different story. At the moment everything reminds her. So apart from arranging the funeral and notifying all the various parties who need to be notified, my main concern is to make sure my sister and brother are alright, especially my sister.
When I get back to my flat in Southampton I will close the door behind me and drop my stuff and the boyfriend will hold out his arms to me. At that point I fully expect I will go completely to pieces for a while.
Saapanael
Ancient Mariner
My actions and wrong choices are taking me deeper into a place where everything and everyone seems like shit. I have to be honest, I don’t have my shit together at all right now. I’m just not moving on in my life as I would like to. I don’t know if it’s chemical inbalance or something else but some days everything comes crashing down and I feel like a monster, a pathetic monster at that.
Saapanael
Ancient Mariner
The one good thing about being in this kind of state is that you might better understand what are the things holding you back in life. There are just too many obsessive thoughts going round and round. It’s a broken machinery, I really need to talk to someone about it face-to-face.
Onhell
Infinite Dreamer
This MIGHT help.... hopefully. I originally wrote it Dec 15, 2008, but it has held up rather well. Rather than tag you on the thread and resurrect it, I'll put it in spoiler tags here:
So I'm over my crappy weekend... I'm still amazed by how easy it is to deal with negative emotions now-a-days. Two years ago I would be in a bad mood for weeks before letting it go. Now it only took 24 hours... sweet.
At any rate I got my oil changed last friday and said hello to some of the few salesmen that are still there from when I worked the key office. What was nice is that they all remembered me as the guy who was always reading something and one still remembered I was a Religious Studies major and we had a nice chat about that. I say it's nice, because at least I'm not remembered as the Burrito Bandit LOL (long story). Then today I tutored a guy in Spanish who works at COPE, one of a few behavioral health/substance abuse/etc facilities here in tucson and we shared stories pertaining to working in social services. On top of that I finally met the vocational director for the Jesuits last week Tuesday in Phoenix and on my drive up there a lot of things fell into place. Here is the core of what I discussed with said folks:
The Three Loves
The first Love is the love of self. Now, we've all heard this before, love and respect yourself so you don't have to take crap from anybody. But how does this "love" come about? One doesn't just wake up one morning hugging oneself thinking "God I love me!" To love and respect oneself one must first FORGIVE and ACCEPT oneself. Part of the reason women in abusive relationships stay in them is because they believe the bullshit being told to them. We have to understand that who we were is not who we are or who we are going to be. We all have a past we have to come to terms with and as soon as we accept our mistakes and forgive ourselves for them no one can hold it over our heads. Once one is comfortable with the reflection in the mirror the second love is easy to see.
The second love is the love of others. Once we forgive and accept ourselves for who we are we can forgive and accept others for who they are. Usually we dislike someone because we see in them our own faults and we don't want to be reminded of them, but if we are at peace with ourselves we will be able to look past other's own faults. Also we will see people for people and not labels like "dork," "slut," "junkie..." etc. As soon as we build friendships on respect the third Love is a natural step.
The third Love is the love of another, for you see, if you love yourself you are happy and like all good things you want to share it (the love of others), and then you will find a specific person you want to share much more with and this is the love of another. Once you have built relationships based on respect you can build relationships from the same foundation, because you will love that person for who they are and not for who you want them to be.
All this starts witht the little things of course. The first thing we must realize is that we are not perfect, we all got issues. What makes us "healthy" is not being issue free, but how we handle and deal with the ones we got. Take sports for example. What makes the great players great? It's not perfection; on top of the drive to succeed it is consistency. They do the little things right more often than others, because they are more focused than others. To use yet one more sports cliche: They take care of their own end...
What does this have to do with life, love and happiness? Well... everything. We don't have to be perfect to be happy, just consistent. We shouldn't worry about what we cannot control, we just need to focus on taking care of our own end first, which takes us back to the first love.
Now all this love and respect is all fine and dandy, but worthless unless we have a purpose. Why do elite athletes do the little things and are consistent? Well, baseball players want to win the world series, football players the Super Bowl, hockey the Stanley Cup, etc. There is a goal, a purpose, it's not doing things just for the sake of doing them, there is a reward at the end. We often sit and wonder what is the meaning of life and more often than not we are left without an answer and that is because of two things. First of, the meaning of life is it doesn't have one. Second, we are asking the wrong question. We shouldn't be asking, "What is the meaning of life?" But rather, "What is the meaning of MY life."
Viktor Frankle said that Freud and Adler were wrong when they said what drives us is pleasure and power respectively, because both those things are superfluous without meaning. That's why there is no answer to, "what is the meaning of life?" And only we can answer, "what is the meaning of MY life?" No one is going to answer that for us.
I have rambled long enough and it is time I tie it all up. The road to happiness begins with forgiveness and acceptance of oneself and taking care of all the little things in one's life and doing those little things consistently. While this opens us up for the other two "loves" it also makes it easier to reflect on what we truly want out of life. What gives you a reason to get out of bed in the morning? Your job? Family? Religion? Or the simple fact that you are facing a new day with a host of new possibilities and experiances? Regardless of the reason the more important thing is to have one...
At any rate I got my oil changed last friday and said hello to some of the few salesmen that are still there from when I worked the key office. What was nice is that they all remembered me as the guy who was always reading something and one still remembered I was a Religious Studies major and we had a nice chat about that. I say it's nice, because at least I'm not remembered as the Burrito Bandit LOL (long story). Then today I tutored a guy in Spanish who works at COPE, one of a few behavioral health/substance abuse/etc facilities here in tucson and we shared stories pertaining to working in social services. On top of that I finally met the vocational director for the Jesuits last week Tuesday in Phoenix and on my drive up there a lot of things fell into place. Here is the core of what I discussed with said folks:
The Three Loves
The first Love is the love of self. Now, we've all heard this before, love and respect yourself so you don't have to take crap from anybody. But how does this "love" come about? One doesn't just wake up one morning hugging oneself thinking "God I love me!" To love and respect oneself one must first FORGIVE and ACCEPT oneself. Part of the reason women in abusive relationships stay in them is because they believe the bullshit being told to them. We have to understand that who we were is not who we are or who we are going to be. We all have a past we have to come to terms with and as soon as we accept our mistakes and forgive ourselves for them no one can hold it over our heads. Once one is comfortable with the reflection in the mirror the second love is easy to see.
The second love is the love of others. Once we forgive and accept ourselves for who we are we can forgive and accept others for who they are. Usually we dislike someone because we see in them our own faults and we don't want to be reminded of them, but if we are at peace with ourselves we will be able to look past other's own faults. Also we will see people for people and not labels like "dork," "slut," "junkie..." etc. As soon as we build friendships on respect the third Love is a natural step.
The third Love is the love of another, for you see, if you love yourself you are happy and like all good things you want to share it (the love of others), and then you will find a specific person you want to share much more with and this is the love of another. Once you have built relationships based on respect you can build relationships from the same foundation, because you will love that person for who they are and not for who you want them to be.
All this starts witht the little things of course. The first thing we must realize is that we are not perfect, we all got issues. What makes us "healthy" is not being issue free, but how we handle and deal with the ones we got. Take sports for example. What makes the great players great? It's not perfection; on top of the drive to succeed it is consistency. They do the little things right more often than others, because they are more focused than others. To use yet one more sports cliche: They take care of their own end...
What does this have to do with life, love and happiness? Well... everything. We don't have to be perfect to be happy, just consistent. We shouldn't worry about what we cannot control, we just need to focus on taking care of our own end first, which takes us back to the first love.
Now all this love and respect is all fine and dandy, but worthless unless we have a purpose. Why do elite athletes do the little things and are consistent? Well, baseball players want to win the world series, football players the Super Bowl, hockey the Stanley Cup, etc. There is a goal, a purpose, it's not doing things just for the sake of doing them, there is a reward at the end. We often sit and wonder what is the meaning of life and more often than not we are left without an answer and that is because of two things. First of, the meaning of life is it doesn't have one. Second, we are asking the wrong question. We shouldn't be asking, "What is the meaning of life?" But rather, "What is the meaning of MY life."
Viktor Frankle said that Freud and Adler were wrong when they said what drives us is pleasure and power respectively, because both those things are superfluous without meaning. That's why there is no answer to, "what is the meaning of life?" And only we can answer, "what is the meaning of MY life?" No one is going to answer that for us.
I have rambled long enough and it is time I tie it all up. The road to happiness begins with forgiveness and acceptance of oneself and taking care of all the little things in one's life and doing those little things consistently. While this opens us up for the other two "loves" it also makes it easier to reflect on what we truly want out of life. What gives you a reason to get out of bed in the morning? Your job? Family? Religion? Or the simple fact that you are facing a new day with a host of new possibilities and experiances? Regardless of the reason the more important thing is to have one...
Saapanael
Ancient Mariner
I’m at wit’s end. The more I try to be useful, the more anxious I become. Just be yourself, people say, and it’s true. But I don’t feel like “me” anymore, I’m just the sum of my insecurities. Every time I leave my home, I feel afraid and the more people there are around, the worse it gets. I feel like everyone is against me, which is obviously not true. And I’m freaking mad at myself because I’m 22 and still feel like a helpless kid who can’t fucking figure anything out.
MindRuler
Ancient Mariner
Have you, and I don't mean this to offend you but merely to help you, ever considered visiting a psychologist to talk about this?
Saapanael
Ancient Mariner
Yes, tried it around a year ago. She wasn’t the kind of person I felt comfortable talking to. It’s pretty expensive and hard to find an appointment, so I’m hesitant to try again but maybe I should. I just wonder why I’m unable to figure this shit out on my own. Fuck anxiety, fuck being on alert 24/7. Why do I even exist if I’m always so miserable? A useless piece of crap that the world would be better off without.
CriedWhenBrucieLeft
Meme Only Account
Saap, you seriously worry me sometimes. I can't stop you feeling those things, but be kind to yourself. The world is full of wonder & beauty. You can access it, enjoy it; and you have and will continue to. You also can and do bring happiness to others. Don't doubt it. Simple things like your guitar playing; here, online, on this silly forum. That brings joy to me. I smile watching those videos. The world is better for that.
Magnus
currently discounted
I take that back, and apologise profoundly.
Saapanael
Ancient Mariner
The world is a truly beautiful place, but in my mind, I’m always the on-looker who doesn’t have access to beautiful things. Everyone else seems so confident and in many cases full of themselves. There’s so few people who actually respect others instead of only seeing their own narrow path. And when I do have access to beautiful things, I can’t enjoy them for the life of me. Hell, even today has been packed with pretty interesting situations but I’m feeling suicidal by the end of the day. That’s routinous. By the end of every day, I will have found something to feel like shit about, usually earlier. My mind is ever away and I can’t live in the moment. It’s perhaps the one thing I envy most about other people: enjoying the moment. Letting loose, feeling free. I could tell you amazing things that have happened this summer but they are so vastly overpowered by the negativity that my mind produces. I’ve lived under the cloud for years and I don’t know the way out anymore. In the past, I had great imagination so I escaped into fantasy worlds but now I’m just numb and weary. The more I try to socialise and improve myself, the more reclusive I become. I’m friendly to people but can’t make friends for the life of me (or I can and just don’t see it?).
One thing that never fails to amaze me is the goodness of children. Their honest and unspoiled view upon the world. And then I think: the best thing that I can ever do in life is have children and raise them to be good and loving people. But how could one dream of having children and raising them when they can’t deal with their own daily problems? All this shit stems from low self-esteem, which in turn stems from countless disappointing encounters with other people, strangers and those you’ve considered friends alike. Beauty is in natural things but the society we live in (I hate that phrase but whatever) is full of deceit, false impressions, debauchery etc., collectively named NOISE. That’s why I’m sounding like a lunatic, my mind is filled with noise and it’s filling more and more and going over the top. There’s so much noise in the world, I can’t take it. And when I manage to calm down and think that now I’m okay and I can go out confidently then BAM there’s that old friend who always treated me shit but years have passed and I give him another chance but he still treats me like shit or BAM I go on a Tinder date but turns out I’m still an inconfident mess and know she’d rather fuck any douchebag on the street than me or BAM something actually good happens but I’m so preoccupied with negative expectations that I fail to enjoy this good moment.
And thanks for enjoying my guitar playing, I truly appreciate it. If only I were really the guy in my guitar videos. The guy who can play like hell yeah and doesn’t give a shit about pointless stuff. But nah, I’m actually the guy who sometimes gets his shit together and plays like hell yeah but spends the rest of his life in pointless self-loathing. The fact that I’m writing this on an online music forum shows that I have failed at being a normal functioning person. For fuck’s sake, I just want to be normal. To end on a positive note, sharing all this made me feel a bit easier.
Magnus
currently discounted
Saapy. Buddy.
Many years ago, in another century, another millennium in fact, a classmate friend of mine gave me the following piece of mind: "You think too much". Now I'm giving it to you. Please give it to someone else when the time is ripe.
Black Abyss Babe
I live for my dreams and a pocket full of gold
I'm with @Magnus here - it sounds like you're trying to rationalise things that just aren't by any means rational. Some people just are bastards. Some people are selfish. Some people are narrow-minded. There's no point beating yourself up trying to construe their actions as acceptable. Some people will treat you like shit, but that's no reason to assume you deserved it. And if some girl would rather "fuck any douchbag" then she's really not worthy of your regret.
I can speak from experience here, because I've spent my share of time being surrounded by selfish, narrow-minded morons. I spent so much time in my late teens/early 20's wandering around on my own saying "I just want to be normal!" But I learned that you really can't afford to derive your own sense of yourself from what you think others think of you. And there's no point wasting time trying to make friends with people who just wish you'd go away - they're not worthy of your regret either. You're better than that!
I really think you need to relax, stop worrying and take a step back. You can't stop the world being shit but you can stop it dragging you down and stealing all your energy. Think about what you most want to do and then go after it!
Onhell
Infinite Dreamer
Some people do need the help of medication, a psychiatrist, rather than a psychologist, is your best bet at this point. You don't have to figure it out on your own. That's why I started seeing a shrink this year. I flat out told her, "I've gotten as far as I can on my own. I need help."
MindRuler
Ancient Mariner
Sometimes medication makes things worse though. Been there, done that. But for some they might help.