CHEESEVIVÖR: The Book of Metal: ALL HAIL VICTORIUS!

THE LAST BATTLE

  • Total voters
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VOLUME I, Chapter 45: IMMORTAL BATTALION BATTLE 5: Domine vs Stormhold

Domine - True Believer
We've reached the final round of the group stage! Can you believe it? The True Believer never doubted it...

Stormhold - Fear Your Death
If Stormhold have failed to impress you this far into the Crusade (and their scarce amount of votes implies such), they probably won't manage to turn the tables with this performance either. However, you can't deny it's solid cheese metal.

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VOLUME I, Chapter 46: IMMORTAL BATTALION BATTLE 6: Freternia vs Freedom Call

Freternia - Guardians of the Night
It tells you a little bit about this band's success if the YouTube comments section of this song contains a message from a band member thanking for the upload. Not an uncommon occurrence with CHEESEVIVÖR bands, mind you.

Freedom Call - Union of the Strong
At 40, everyone has the face they deserve. This includes underground metal singers. Some turn into metrosexual YouTube vloggers (I won't tell you just now who), others look like that guy sitting at the bar of your local metal pub who will keep bragging about how he met Paul Di'anno in 1992. The audience in this video seems to be a good match.
 
1st round was much closer than I was expecting it to be, but still goes to Domine (I'm a sucker for crazy high vocals)

2nd round was a little underwhelming overall, but to my ears Freternia was less meh
 
I enjoyed Stormhold a lot more of the first pair. I'm tiring of meh cheese too, but at least the posturing of Freedom Call was entertaining.

Incidentally, Freedom Call sounds like a euphemism for going outside to pee. "Back in a minute, just gotta go take a freedom call."
 
Stormhold definitely wins the first match. Mediocre-at-best vocals, chanting in the chorus, Halford screams, "woah-oh's", mediocre recording, they've got all the best bargain brand blue light special Velveeta! I also love when the "journey comes to an end" two minutes and thirty seconds into a song.

The second match is literally dripping with melted cheese. Freternia are trying so hard and carrying wheelbarrows full of cheese, but Freedom Call are trying harder, have more cheese, and make some of the dumbest faces I've ever seen trolls make. It's brilliantly terrible and cheesy. That bridge...:clap:
 
Domine starts with some terrible quasi-doomish sound, then translate that into poor speed metal, with some lovely keyboards. By lovely, I mean terrible. I love that cover, by the way, it looks like a 12 year old drew it. Chorus has some level of cheese, but a lower level with the layered vocals not being over the top enough. The ending screams are pretty good though. I would rate this as a grocery store old cheddar. Stormhold seems to start with heavier cheese from the beginning with the pre-song heartbeat and some lovely fast noodling. Love the chorus, as in I think it's atrocious. I lean towards Stormhold for this one.

Freternia sounds like they are playing off a commonly known song, but the singer isn't up to task. Bless him, he tries, though. The chorus gets so close to being really good cheese, but it's just not. Freedom Call, however...great cheesy intro, especially the faces the singer is pulling. It loses points for having more of a late 90s rock-sounding chorus, but it kicks in as it gets closer to the bridge and chorus. Oh, and the chorus is golden. Freedom Call.
 
VOLUME I, Chapter 47: TIEBREAKER: Assedium vs Liege Lord

Assedium - Romanitas
So it's come to this: A tiebreaker. This is a rematch of the chapter 21 fight between our Italian heroes of Assedium, who after pillaging Westeros, Greece and a non-descript world where Saurian overlords suppress innocent cave-humans, finally arch unto Rome...

Liege Lord - Legend
And that US Metal Legend(!) of old, Liege Lord. Who will make the round of 16?
 
Interesting. I found the Assedium song superior both in terms of cheese and quality. It reminded me of Atlantean Kodex somehow.
Lord Liege sounds antiquated, with an oddly loud bass, sounding a bit like Lord Steve at times. I'd like to see Assedium advance though.
 
Why is the Assedium video so long when the song ends partway through? It's decently cheesy, though.

Liege Lord is like First Wave Cheese from when metal was new and shiny. It's not bad, but there's a reason successive artists are more cheesy. Assedium.
 
VOLUME II, Chapter 1: Olympos Mons vs Domine

Olympos Mons - Cleopatra
Welcome to the Round of 16! This is what whimps and poseurs would refer to as the "knockout stage", but I prefer to call the death match phase. In these battles, it's all or nothing. Only the best of the worst got here, demanded to be tested by the best and not to be forgotten like all the rest. The time has come, all the training done, they were born to win, number one.
Ahem, sorry. Got carried away a bit there...
Anyway, Olympos Mons clearly dominated the Golden Battalion, with 6 votes ahead of number two and sweeping through with three victories.

Domine - Dragonlord
Domine, who are to Italian Symphonic Power Metal what Sergio Leone is to Spaghetti Westerns, had hard competition in the group stage, but ultimately scored one more victory than Freternia, who had the same amount of votes.

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VOLUME II, Chapter 2: Helloween vs Thobbe Englund

Helloween - Future World
Heppy heppy Helloween have every reason to by heppy as the winners of the Heroic Battalion, albeit leading only by two points and having the same victory/defeat ratio as the runners up.

Thobbe Englund - Our $oil
Thobbe's appeal to our economical and ecological consciousness and our awareness of our true enemies (the Illuminati) has narrowly made him runner-up of Unbreakable Battalion. Make sure you listen to this song to the very end.
 
First pairing to Domine. Olympus Mons's effort never seems to really hit its stride in comparison

Helloween wins easily in the second. If CHEESEVIVOR has taught me anything, it's that Thobbe should've stayed in Sabaton
 
Olympos Mons and Domine may have been among the favourites in the first round, but the two songs in this battle are less than impressive. Still, Domine.
I really, really want Thobbe to have a cracking solo career, but his chances for this are below zero. Helloween, by a mile.
 
Randomly clicked at 1:20 minutes in Thobbe and did a double take to check it wasn't a Hotel California cover
 
The 2 minutes "oh-oh's" in the intro solidifies a win for Domine.

Thobbe's song this time is once again terrible, but mostly just terrible and not fun. Helloween.
 
VOLUME II, Chapter 3: Marius Danielsen vs Virgin Steele


Marius Danielsen - Mirror of Truth
Marius swept the aptly named Glorious Battalion with a whopping 25 votes in three complete victories. Sit back and enjoy the fourth adventure from what is possibly the cheesiest metal album ever...

Virgin Steele - Crown of Glory
With 19 votes and two victories, Virgin Steele are the fourth most successful band in the Crusade this far. Their problem? They were up against Yuri Fulone in August Battalion. And now they're facing Marius.

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VOLUME II, Chapter 4: Final Chapter vs Silent Knight

Final Chapter - Trace of Fate
Powerful Battalion did not really live up to its name, with the leader emerging at only 10 total votes. Although Final Chapter made a strong stand, they are hardly a fan favourite.

Silent Knight - When the Fallen Angel Flies
These guys from the unsung cheese metal haven that is Australia emerged as runners up from Mighty Battalion with no less than 14 votes, although this speaks more of the strength of the battalion, as all their battles were quite close.
 
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