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Dominus et deus
Staff member
Gods of War I call you
My sword is by my side
I seek a life of honour
Free from all false pride
I will crack the whip with a bold mighty hail
Cover me with CHEESE if I should ever fail!

This is the CHEESEVIVÖR.

The object of this epic is to determine which is the cheesiest band in the world, and which others are just a sad bunch of poseurs.

STANDINGS (Victories/Defeats/Stalemates/Total Votes)


1. Olympos Mons (3/0/0/19)
2. Ravensire (1/1/1/13)
3. Antonio Giorgio (1/2/0/5)
4. ValSans (0/2/1/10)

1. Helloween (2/1/0/17)
2. Victorius (2/1/0/15)
3. Sacred Blood (1/1/1/13)
4. Halloween (0/2/1/7)

1. Marius Danielsen (3/0/0/25)
2. Assedium (2/2/0/17)
3. Liege Lord (1/3/0/13)
4. Seven Kingdoms (1/2/0/9)

1. Dreamtale (1/0/2/15)
2. Final Chapter (2/0/1/14)
3. Stormwitch (0/1/2/11)
4. Metal Law (0/2/1/8)

1. Skull Fist (2/1/0/16)
2. Silent Knight (2/0/1/14)
3. Icy Steel (1/1/1/12)
4. Braveride (0/3/0/8)

1. Yuri Fulone (3/0/0/20)
2. Virgin Steele (2/1/0/19)
3. Wolf (1/2/0/6)
4. Masterplan (0/3/0/3)

1. Claymorean (2/1/0/15)
2. Thobbe Englund (2/1/0/13)
3. Rhapsody (1/1/1/11)
4. Omen (1/2/0/8)

1. Freedom Call (2/0/1/13)
2. Domine (2/0/1/11)
3. Freternia (1/2/0/11)
4. Stormhold (0/3/0/9)

Rules (of Metal):


The Cheesevivör works like the Football World Cup. There are 32 bands competing in a total of 64 matches (battles). In each of these matches, people are asked to vote for their FAVOURITE band.

Bands begin the tournament in eight groups (battalions) of four bands each. Each band in the individual groups will be pitched against each other once. The two bands with the highest scores in the group will be promoted to the next stage of the tournament. The other two will be dressed up in crackerjack clothes and be politely asked to leave the hall.

These matches will be open for TWO DAYS.

Ideally, whoever will ascend to the next stage will be decided by the who wins the most matches in the group stage. IF THERE IS A TIE between second and third place, the amount of votes received will decide. If this does not break the tie, a tiebreaker match will be played between the two bands. If there is still a tie, the amount of spikes on the gear worn by the bands on their promo photos decides.

The next stage is the Round of 16. The bands will be jumbled and pitched at each other randomly. However, no two bands previously in one group will compete again at this stage. It then goes on to quarter and semi finals, the third place playoff and the finals, just as in the Football World Cup.

These matches will be open for THREE DAYS.

If there is a tie after day three, the match will be extended for another day. If there is still a tie at the end, there will be a rematch with two new songs (on this, see below). This rematch will again last three days plus one. If there is still a tie in the end, the amount of times the word "steel" appears in the lyrics will decide on who wins.

What to vote for

There will always be one-on-one matches, two a day up to the semifinals. You are supposed to vote for the band you want to win, unlike most other survivors. The official question asked is "Which band is cheesier?".

Each match will feature a round of new songs via YouTube link, i.e. no song will appear twice in the tournament. There is no guarantee on that however: for instance, a few bands could technically reach the finals and had a rematch every time in the knockout stage, and simply run out of unique songs.

This is supposed to keep the survivor interesting for a prolonged period of time. You are asked to listen to each song pitched in a match, because it is unlikely that you will know them all. The songs should ideally influence a member's voting decision.

The idea behind this is also to get some new music exposed here, so each thread will have two songs that most of you will likely not yet have heard yet. Many of these bands are very obscure, and cheesier than you can imagine. I also want a bit of suspense at the beginning, so the individual bands participating will only be revealed as the game proceeds. Keep watching this post to keep an overview.

So much for the prologue. Let the epic commence!

Volume I, Chapter 1: GOLDEN BATTALION, Battle 1: Antonio Giorgio vs Olympos Mons

Antonio Giorgio - Keeper of Truth - Beyond Heaven & Hell Suite

According to his page on, this Campanian metal warrior has auditioned for bands like Dreamscape and Kamelot. If I was permitted to conjecture, I would wager that the reason why our hero has ultimately declined to play with these fine bands is because they would not share his vision of Golden Metal as being the successful path on the quest for inner glory.

Olympos Mons - Frozen

Unlike Signore Giorgio above, Olympos Mons completely overestimated the impact they would have (believing they "would make waves in the world of heavy metal"), and their pompous name referring to the highest mountain in the solar system simply underscored the inflated ego which eventually brought the band down after only two albums.

Volume I, Chapter 2: HEROIC BATTALION, Battle 1: Sacred Blood vs Helloween

Sacred Blood - To Lands No Man Hath Seen

Hellenic musicians have been singing about Hellenic topics for as long as Hellenic music existed in the Hellenic Hellenism of Hellas. Let Hellenic hegemony hereafter be heard heralding heterogeneous, hereditary heroism, heartfelt through the heliocentric heat of the Hellenic herrenvolk.

Helloween - Eagle Fly Free

Just because I no longer say that I hate this band, I'm not going to pretend they're not cheesy as hell when singing lines like, "People are in big confusion, they don't like their constitution". That's supreme eye-roll material right there, but at least in the sky a mighty eagle doesn't care 'bout what's illegal. Or does he?
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Black-and-white leopard

I'm on it.

Diesel 11

As you scream into the web of silence...
Helloween is in here? With that song? Wow. I always thought it was a quite hopeful song about humanity with very little... cheeseness.

I'll listen to the others this afternoon.


Black-and-white leopard
Olympos Mons get my vote in the first pair. I had already decided on that during the intro, when they said: "And only the memories... has kept them strong..." Yaaaaassss, classy cheese! :applause:Very promising overall. On the other hand, Antonio is plainly bad. In any aspect.

In the second pair, Helloween is just in a league of its own, so a vote for them.


Ancient Mariner
I'm in!

This Giorgio constantly sings Keepers of Truth! The title is Keeper of Truth. What went wrong during the studio session (or printing of the booklet)?
The dude in the opponent's intro mentions "shitting tears". Not sure what to pick yet.


General of the Dark Army
Staff member
Antonio Giorgio reminds me of myself singing aimlessly into a tape recorder when I was about 7. The music is okay, I think, just let down by weak vocals and subpar lyrics. He's not bad enough to vote for.

Olympus Mons have a more cheese than a Linthorpe Road takeaway parmo. Faux-serious intro including shedding/shitting tears (nice one, Foro :D ), keyboardy dramatics, comedy speed and posturing, over-heroic approach in general. Vote.

Sacred Blood. I can live with that song, actually. Needs more mermaids. Beauteous album cover!

Helloween have got it all. Weren't they formerly known as the EEC Cheese Mountain? Vote.

Many cheeses has been eats.


Enterprise-class aircraft carrier
Staff member
Antonio Giorgio's claim to fame being unsuccessful auditions for much better bands is oddly appropriate. Olympos Mons is gloriously bad, but at least there is glory in there. Olympos Mons.

Sacred Blood seems to be one of those bands that has everything going for it cheese-wise, but they are up against a classic in Helloween. But I really, really hate Eagle Fly Free, so I am voting against the titan. Sacred Blood.

Diesel 11

As you scream into the web of silence...
First pair: Olympos Mons - Frozen
Shit, I couldn't even get through the first one. Frozen is a pretty good song though, despite the bad production.

Second pair: Sacred Blood - To Lands No Man Hath Seen
I really liked this one, and that Helloween track had horrid production. Dunno if that's just the version Perun gave us but yeah. Voting against them.

Lampwick 43

Barstool Warrior
The first match easily goes to Olympus Mons. Antonio Giorgio is just plain bad, and not in a good way.

The second battle is a little tougher, but Sacred Blood have the advantage of a glorious cheese-filled music video, so they get the vote.


Dominus et deus
Staff member
Volume I, Chapter 3: GLORIOUS BATTALION, Battle 1: Assedium vs Seven Kingdoms

Assedium - Winter is Coming

This band started out as a Cirith Ungol tribute band and had their highest claim to fame when they opened for Brocas Helm in Ascoli in 2005. Despite this affinity for bands named after something in Tolkien's works, they changed camps and wrote this wonderful epic about Game of Thrones. A truly original approach...

Seven Kingdoms - Kingslayer

...until you realise that there is an entire subculture of metal bands that not only have the odd GoT inspired song, but their entire band concept revolves around it. And just imagine, two months ago, all this had no meaning whatsoever to me.

Volume I, Chapter 4: POWERFUL BATTALION, Battle 1: Metal Law vs Final Chapter

Metal Law - Lawbreaker

If this band has remained obscure for the no less than 20(!) years of their activity, it may be in part because the idea of an entire album called "Law Breaker" by a band called "Metal Law" doesn't really sound like they're geniuses of marketing.

Final Chapter - The WizardQueen

If you think this band is obscure, consider that one of the tracks on their debut album has Tobias Sammet doing vocals. Not this one though - this one has Ulrike Esch as a guest singer. Yes, THE Ulrike Esch. No, I don't know who she is either. Good luck Googling her...


clap hands
First match-up: Seven Kingdoms are both better and cheesier!

Second match-up: Gouda Lord, these are both so fucking terrible. I'm voting for Final Chapter because it tastes cheesier.


Automaton Sovietico
Assedium is just meh, the drum and the verse riff ain't bad...the Seven Kingdoms is pure cringe so it gets the vote.
Metal Law is just C grade so I'll vote for the other one.

Diesel 11

As you scream into the web of silence...
First pair: Assedium - Winter is Coming
I was really impressed by this one. I like it. Seven Kingdoms isn't bad either but it can't compete.

Second pair: Final Chapter - The Wizard Queen
Neither of them are flat-out bad but this one's slightly better.


Black-and-white leopard
Voting for Assedium and Metal Law. I really, really wish I had never heard Seven Kingdoms.
Also, this round has just cemented my stance on female metal vocals. :down:


Enterprise-class aircraft carrier
Staff member
The Glorious Battalion is my favourite name yet. \m/

Both Assedium and Seven Kingdoms are absolutely terrible bands, like beyond the pale bad. But Seven Kingdoms has such a terrible video to match, it's so bad I'm laughing at how badass these sub-mediocre musicians think they are. Seven Kingdoms.

Metal Law is what Twisted Sister would be if you found Twisted Sister in a discount bin at Giant Tiger. For those of you who aren't Canadian, Giant Tiger is where you shop if you can't afford to shop at Wal-Mart. Then again, Final Chapter sounds like you found it in a dumpster behind a Chinese food restaurant. Yikes, that's bad - but the chorus is pure cheese, so I am going back and forth...but I think I'll go with Final Chapter because it has the best cheese moment.


General of the Dark Army
Staff member
I never want to hear Seven Kingdoms ever again, Assedium are stock cheese, so they get my vote.

Metal Law want to be Maiden when they grow up. If they grow up. Or Priest. That's kinda fun and tacky, plus they have repetitive choruses. However, Final Chapter is an all-round helping of overkill, with the incomparable(?) Ulrike Esch to top it all off. A serious contender for this game.