So had an interesting dream last night. I was talking with someone, presumably a friend, and the subject of self-defense came up. After a few minutes of discussing strategies the subject of killing the aggressor if necessary comes up. My friend is speaking theoretically, I flat out tell them, "I've killed a man in said circumstances." My friend is rightfully shocked, specially since I've never shared this information with anyone. Yet I say it matter-of-factly, no emotion and a steely gaze. "When was this?!" They ask. I start thinking about it and I start questioning my own memory. Did I really kill someone? The memory seems fake, but it's there. The more I think about it the murkier it becomes and the more I question it, but while the details of the event fade, the image of me shooting someone remains.
This morning I didn't remember the dream, but I felt "off." Then, while on the bus on the way to work it came back to me. To me dreams are either an exaggeration of past events, usually from that day or week, or they are there to force you to confront emotions you are either conscientiously or subconsciously ignoring, suppressing or denying.
With that said, while everything in the surface is going well for me (I'm employed, good job, happy with my job, doing a good job, have a home and my bills and dogs are taken care of) I have been in a funk the past couple of weeks. I have only identified it as stage one depression (personal, not professional term). It bothers me a little bit that I had a dream with the memory of killing somebody and my awake self thinking, "hmm, I can see that." Seems I have reached an emotional bottom and "I seriously got nothing to lose," attitude where that thought doesn't faze me. I need to get out more.
...
