The way i see it, if you dont trust the other person enough to enjoy watching them flirt then you need to take a look at the relationship. Flirting is fun, its good for the soul to feel desirable to others within the confines of a monogamous relationship.
Beautiful humans are not to be feared. Nor are they to be exhaulted. Connection is key, for me, looks be damned. Its just lucky if you manage to connect with someone that is like, super hot and shit.
I pretty much agree with all of this. But based on my own experience, it was the change in behavior from other people that became really grating. I mean, yes, it was funny to see a coworker stand there with his mouth hanging open as he stared at her in disbelief, and walking through crowds in public and seeing almost all of the men track her with their eyes was interesting; but seeing friends and family get creepy was gross, and the male “friends” of hers who obviously just wanted to get in her pants were annoying (even though I fully trusted her), and the fact that she started dating someone new only days after our multi-year live-in relationship ended made the whole thing feel cheap. So it was definitely a mixed bag, with very high highs and very low lows. (I would imagine that being with someone famous would carry the same type of effects, only worse.)
So while I’m glad I had that experience, I prefer the relative anonymity of being with someone I personally find very attractive, but who doesn’t cause every man around them to stumble over their own feet.
Well, what I was talkin about was just being normal, not comin on like all the other guys. I didnt mean being cold or disinterested. Just normal, an interested human being that wants to get to know someone and isn't totally focused on sex. Which a lot of guys aren't in the presence of attractive people.
So while I’m glad I had that experience, I prefer the relative anonymity of being with someone I personally find very attractive, but who doesn’t cause every man around them to stumble over their own feet.
Its interesting. Everything depends on the dynamic between the individuals but I do tend to see patterns. I have no tactic, no 'moves.' I just be me and if someone gravitates towards me then thats good. But that in itself can be seen as a tactic. With me its not, its genuine but Ive had times when I've hooked up with people and they have said "oh I liked you because you left me alone" or words to that effect.
Im rambling but the point is that i hate trying to get with someone. Either it falls into place naturally or it doesn't. I feel it physically, a spark, a heat, an energy between us and if I feel that then I will be interested. If that crackle isnt there then its friend zone for us. Which is fine.
Btw, a good advice when you ( = Maiden fan) want to engage with your girlfriend ( = also Maiden fan):
In this case the question can be nothing but:
"Will you Murray me?"
Well, what I was talkin about was just being normal, not comin on like all the other guys. I didnt mean being cold or disinterested. Just normal, an interested human being that wants to get to know someone and isn't totally focused on sex. Which a lot of guys aren't in the presence of attractive people.
Ah, gotcha. I thought you meant attempting some sort of cryptic mind game thing.
Being genuine and friendly, getting to know someone and letting them get to know you, not piling on the pressure. Nothing worse than what I call the Darlington approach* whereby a guy pissed out of his skull lurching towards you and telling you to 'smile or it'll never happen' is considered the chat up norm
*so called because this strategy was very popular in Darlington
Ah, gotcha. I thought you meant attempting some sort of cryptic mind game thing.
Being genuine and friendly, getting to know someone and letting them get to know you, not piling on the pressure. Nothing worse than what I call the Darlington approach* whereby a guy pissed out of his skull lurching towards you and telling you to 'smile or it'll never happen' is considered the chat up norm
*so called because this strategy was very popular in Darlington
Hahaha fuck me, thats a bad one. Shows a level of confidence, I suppose.
And yeah, thats it, for me, just be yerself and see what happens. No cryptic shit up in here.
I get where people are comin from through, infatuation is a tricky thing to deal with, theres no right approach because every situation is different. You aren't quite yourself in the presence of the person you are infatuated with. I know I'm not from time to time and I have to check myself. People can try too hard, say things they wouldn't normally say. Your heart fucks with your brain.
Ive found that the best solution is to just ask the person out and deal with the consequences. That can save months of emotional turmoil.
Soo... something happened Saturday night, and, well, I don't know. I just feel the need to share my story I guess. And I'm also wondering if I did the right thing.
Very long story warning.
For anonymity's sake all names have been altered. Here we go:
On Saturday I went out to visit my long time friend, Matt. I've known Matt since college, and we have even been roommates in the past, for a 3 year period. Suffice it to say, Matt is one of my very best friends, and we hangout maybe once a month, if not more, which is far more often than I hangout with any of my other friends from college.
Matt lives about 35 mins away from me, so whenever I go out out to visit we typically go out drinking and he lets me crash on the couch. We usually always go to the same bar, too; a place really close to him that does karaoke on Saturday nights.
Now a little background about me: not since my early twenties (10 years ago) have I gone out to bar with the intention of picking up a girl and hooking up. I always go out just to have a good time, hang out with friends and acquaintances, drink a lot, and enjoy myself. If I happen to meet a girl and we hit it off then great! but that's honestly super uncommon, and like I said, never my intention when I go out these days.
Saturday night at the bar was honestly a pretty typical night for me. In addition to hanging out with Matt, I was spending quite a bit of time mingling and chatting with other friends and acquaintances that I know there, playing pool, playing darts, and singing karaoke. Nothing out of the ordinary.
At one point I notice Matt talking with this girl Jessica. I personally have never met her before, but I guess shes been going out to that bar on Saturday nights pretty regularly the last couple months or so.
I honestly don't know how long they were talking for. I feel like it was for a little bit, but not a super long time or anything. But honestly I couldn't say for sure.
I personally didn't interact with Jessica at all while we were at the bar, just because I was busy doing other things.
when the bar closes at the end of the night, me, Matt, and sometimes a couple others will usually all go back to his place to drink some more and play games and stuff for a sort of an after-hours party.
That night 4 of our friends from the bar were planning on coming over to Matt's place. As we were leaving, Matt had told me that Jessica would be coming back with us as well.
That was the honestly the first time I met her. When me, Matt, and her were leaving the bar and getting into the Uber.
The 4 others (names not relevant) arrived shortly after we did to make a grand total of 7 of us partying at Matt's place.
Now I'm pretty drunk at this point, as we all are, really, so I can't pinpoint a specific "aha!" moment that kicked everything off, but it become quite obvious early on that Jessica was really into me. Like intense flirting, and cuddling next to me on the couch type of stuff. I was basically just going with the flow, and not really thinking too much about what was happening, and just going with it. At one point we had made plans on getting lunch the next day at some Mexican restaurant that she wanted to take me to.
Now to Matt's credit, he was a true friend throughout all of this. Once he realized what was happening, he didn't try to interfere or "cock block" me in any way, and he didn't appear to be upset or angry at all. Now it's very possible that he may have been upset and just been hiding it, I do fully admit that.
After a couple hours when everyone else was leaving, I was quite surprised when Jessica said that she'd be staying over for the night. Matt put on some movie and me and Jessica cuddled on the couch throughout the whole thing.
I couldn't tell you a single thing that happened in the movie or what it was about. For one thing, I was quite drunk, for another, my mind was preoccupied with other thoughts.
Matt finally went to bed and me and Jessica spent the night together on the couch.
I'm not going to go into extreme detail here, but we didn't have full-on sex for two important reasons: One, I didn't have protection, and Two, I feel like it would be too disrespectful to do that on my friend's couch while he was right in the other room. And yes, you can make the argument that what I did was already disrespectful. Anyways, it was mainly just intensely making out and feeling each other up type-of-stuff.
Now this probably speaks to a lack of self esteem on my part, but the next morning I was worried that things would be awkward between me and Jessica or, god-forbid, she would be regretting what we did together the previous night. Thankfully, that couldn't be further from the truth. That day we hung out for quite a while and I can honestly say that she is cool as fuck. We still ended up going out to lunch as well. I invited Matt with us when we got lunch, but he declined.
She sounded down to hang out some more in the future, so that's pretty neat. I'm not really one for one-night stands, so I'm hopeful that this could end up leading to something more.
So that's pretty much it. I guess what I want to know is, was I a bad friend here? It seems a little strange how my friend was the one who was talking to this girl at the bar, he was the one who invited her to his place, and yet I was the one who ended up "with" her. It just seems shitty when put like that. I can honestly say that I've never ever done anything like that before.
For what it's worth, if Matt had pulled me aside and told me to knock it off, or made it clear that he was upset about what was going on, I absolutely would have backed off. It was never my intention to "steal" her away, and I never initiated anything when it came to all the flirting and stuff. I only reciprocated when she had made it abundantly clear that she was really into me. I'm just very thankful that Matt was so cool in the moment and honestly a really great friend to me with the way that everything went down.
Luckily I'll be seeing Matt again this Saturday because we're going to a football game along with some other friends, so I'll at least get to talk to him in person about what went down that night from his point of view, and hopefully everything will be alright going forward.
tl;dr on Saturday night I fooled around with a girl at a friends place, despite the fact that the friend was the one who first met her at the bar and invited her over to his place. Was wondering if that was a shitty thing to do.
I'd talk to Matt about it. At the end of the day, if he's a good friend he'll realize that unless he basically invited her back to fuck, he was inviting her to a party with no suggestion that he be the one, if anyone, who does stuff with her. It sounds like he is that kind of guy, but just lay it out with him and be honest, and encourage him to be honest back.
What Mr Cannon said. Talk to your homie Matt at least just to level-set and clear the air. At the end of the day, going by your story, she was clearly into you and that’s her right. Hell, she may have been asking about you while hanging out with Matt.
I didn't read the NSFW part, partially because I am at work, partially because I'm a known prude, so I don't know if there was some grotesque culmination in him having to hear some weird noises, or you demolishing his furniture or in putting a used cucumber back into his fridge or something, so I don't know everything and he might be angry or maybe just unamused and quite rightly so in that case...
But leaving that aside and taking the rest of the story at face value, just tell him what you told here and it's going to be fine, he might be a bit grumpy about that, but it shouldn't drive a wedge between you; if it did, there must have been deeper problems present already.
From your story I don't see that Matt was really into her, you said they just talked. So if this is so, I see no fault on your side. If my buddy hooked up on my furniture with a gal he liked, I would probably fistbump him and say hell yeah. Kudos on him being cool about it too, but to be sure, raise it up in conversation for sure.
Simple: Talk to Matt, explain the situation for him and ask him how he feels about it - especially about the fact that you made out on his couch. This shows him you're aware of everything and that you care for his feelings. It's more about the gesture in this case. I know, because I've been on Matt's side in this story once, very many years ago (although it was my bed, not my couch and they left that evening), but my friend looking me in the eye the next day and asking me if I'm alright about this meant a lot for me at that time.
On the other hand, don't treat Jessica like she's a commodity either of you can call dibs on. He may have chatted her up, but she was clearly more into you, and if Matt is the kind of guy your story suggests he is, his pride may be a little hurt but he'll be happy for you in the long run.
I kind of think it was Jessica calling the shots here! Neither of you could predict her preference. If you want to make Matt feel better, you can always point out that the allure of an attractive stranger is likely to be hotter than an attractive bloke she's been talking to for weeks. She might actually be into him longer term, but for now is only into hookups.
Also, she probably went home disappointed. (Points though for not trying to make things happen without protection, too many guys don't give a shit in that respect).
I've been in your shoes, I've been in Matt's shoes. More than once. It's all good man. The only thing to regret is the ntsw part, it should have happened, somewhere, somehow, but that night. Matt's a real friend. I think he knows everything already, but yes talk to him when you'll have a chance.
As for Jessica, don't lose her.
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