Here we are. Now we know who’ll be replacing Steve down the line.
By that time, the Maiden lineup will look something like this:
Frank Bello — the latest fill-in on the band’s 60th Anniversary Tour of Pubs and Fairgrounds.
Dennis Stratton — taking over Janick’s role. He’ll be sitting in a wheelchair and unplugged most of the time because he’ll insist on adding a slight ‘Stratton touch’ to the Maiden classics.
Blaze’s nephew — on vocals. An even lower voice than Blaze’s, forcing the band to tune down to Drop D.
Richie Faulkner — replacing Dave Murray. His chest will burst open during the surprise addition of ‘Deja-Vu’ to the setlist, but he’ll be successfully stitched back together by a nearby veterinarian.
Joe Lazarus — replacing Nicko. His nose will be surgically altered to resemble Nicko’s, he’ll wear a blond wig, and all that sort of nonsense. He’ll also be the most handsome member of the band and will crack jokes nonstop. On some nights, he’ll wander across the stage barefoot and trouserless as a ghost during the quiet section of ‘Rime.’
Meanwhile, Bruce will still be touring with his solo band, which will serve as the opening act for this upcoming - but already mighty - version of Iron Maiden.
Can’t wait!
Major Update:
Latest addition to this already legendary version of Iron Maiden will be none other than K. K. Downing, whose stage presence will be supported by an exoskeleton and a fully metal wheelchair. Following fan outrage over the lack of a third
barista guitarist, the band will be forced to act.
Problems will arise almost immediately during the
Buried and Forgotten Tour. KK won’t end up competing with Richie Faulkner - oh no. His true rival will be Dennis Stratton. The arguments will be fierce:
‘His wheelchair looks more badass than mine.’
‘He’s plugged in for longer than I am.’
‘Why does he get premium-grade batteries?’
This escalating conflict will eventually culminate in a deeply resentful letter that KK sends to the band after the tour. However, he will not be dismissed. No chance. There’s no rest for the wicked.
For the following tour, KK will be given a towering Ego Ramp™. His task: during ‘Flight of Icarus,’ he must launch himself from it - not into the crowd or the ground, but into the air itself. Thanks to cutting-edge robotics, he will soar above the audience like the Icarus of old.
What a moment. What a visual realization of the song.
Sadly, his triumph will be short-lived. During the transition into ‘Rime of the Ancient Mariner,’
Nicko Joe Lazarus will be required to shoot him down like the albatross. Timing is everything, after all.
One simply must witness these upcoming tours, featuring a cast of increasingly unhinged metal geriatrics. Truly the golden years. The retirement-home edition of Iron Maiden won’t merely defy aging - it will declare war on it.
And somewhere in the distance, Bruce will still be opening for them with his solo band, wondering how things got so completely out of hand.
