Let's try and get 1,000,000 replies to this post
- Thread starter The Ancient Mariner
- Start date
Yeah, that reminds me of the dog my boss at my civilian service place had. Whenever we wanted to play with him, the bugger didn't care the slightest for us, but when we had ordered a pizza or had something else to eat there, he came over to us and just wouldn't go away. And, well... he did smell kind of awful. 
Plesiosaur said:Security is making it difficult to be here anymore. Fortunately I'm halfway intelligent and persistent. LC, your critique will be written very soon. It's all in my brain; it just needs to be converted to electrons.
Really? Are they that concerned with a small bb as to work on banning it? That's sad.
Deano
Ancient Mariner
No, it's not a personal affront to this board, just sweeping actions. You can imagine how it goes. So, here's my thoughts:
Overall, I like the story very much. I am not very familiar with the original Lone Ranger plotline at all but it seems that you have made this one your own. For one thing it is very interesting and captures and keeps the reader's attention. It also gives you plenty of potential material if you plan on pursuing publishing this seriously. There is plenty ammo left and there are a ton of possibilities for plot twists in the way you have set this up.
I know this is just a draft but my recommendations for improvement concern 2 main items:
1. Yes, we are dealing with Wild West hicks and Indians here but there should be more dialog. Keep in mind I am not saying BETTER dialog, just more of it. While the story is great, I think the room for improvement comes in more interaction between the characters; which ties in with the next point:
2. This draft needs to be about 40 pages longer. I despise writers that go into minute detail about all kinds of non-essential shit but your story would benefit from some more "scene setting". Take the time and effort to describe the locations a little more, delve into the mindset and thoughts of the characters a little more. You have created very interesting people here, tell us more about them, why they think the way they do, how they feel about their plights and each other.
As I said my friend, I know this is just a draft and is a work in progress. I have to say that I am VERY impressed with it. I actually believe that with some spit and polish on it along the lines I mentioned, that this would actually sell. Let me also say that I know how difficult it is to put a work like this together. Well.... let's not say KNOW, but CAN IMAGINE. I have had so many good ideas throughout my life for stories that could become novels or even series. I have thought about them, dreamed about them, worked out many details in my mind.............. and never done a thing about it. The time to do something like this has been very limited for me and my utter lack of patience doesn't help either. I commend you for the ability to be able to sit down and put something like this out. I look forward to more.... and will gladly help you edit!
Overall, I like the story very much. I am not very familiar with the original Lone Ranger plotline at all but it seems that you have made this one your own. For one thing it is very interesting and captures and keeps the reader's attention. It also gives you plenty of potential material if you plan on pursuing publishing this seriously. There is plenty ammo left and there are a ton of possibilities for plot twists in the way you have set this up.
I know this is just a draft but my recommendations for improvement concern 2 main items:
1. Yes, we are dealing with Wild West hicks and Indians here but there should be more dialog. Keep in mind I am not saying BETTER dialog, just more of it. While the story is great, I think the room for improvement comes in more interaction between the characters; which ties in with the next point:
2. This draft needs to be about 40 pages longer. I despise writers that go into minute detail about all kinds of non-essential shit but your story would benefit from some more "scene setting". Take the time and effort to describe the locations a little more, delve into the mindset and thoughts of the characters a little more. You have created very interesting people here, tell us more about them, why they think the way they do, how they feel about their plights and each other.
As I said my friend, I know this is just a draft and is a work in progress. I have to say that I am VERY impressed with it. I actually believe that with some spit and polish on it along the lines I mentioned, that this would actually sell. Let me also say that I know how difficult it is to put a work like this together. Well.... let's not say KNOW, but CAN IMAGINE. I have had so many good ideas throughout my life for stories that could become novels or even series. I have thought about them, dreamed about them, worked out many details in my mind.............. and never done a thing about it. The time to do something like this has been very limited for me and my utter lack of patience doesn't help either. I commend you for the ability to be able to sit down and put something like this out. I look forward to more.... and will gladly help you edit!
My hope is to finish a first draft before I go back and make any revisions. Then I can target areas where expansion is possible; I know what you mean by lack of dialogue and in places I think it can be fleshed out more. But at the same time, for me, the goal is to get it written, not perfect. The overall story isn't nearly done (obviously) and I hope that in the next few chapters more sense is added to the characters. I've also considered a longer introduction to the life of the main character, to give us more ideas about who he is, and also to examine his relationship with his brother.
I'll admit that I've been skipping over location descriptions almost purposely, because I know those things can be added in later. My concept is to push forward and get the story itself down.
I'll admit that I've been skipping over location descriptions almost purposely, because I know those things can be added in later. My concept is to push forward and get the story itself down.
I'm gonna not get drunk.
Deano
Ancient Mariner
That's right! You have writing to do. I figured that what I was telling you would come as no surprise. Just an honest assessment. I like how the main character was not introduced much at first actually. That's what flashbacks in later chapters are for.
Per, have fun with getting drunk. Don't drink for depressing reasons....go out and sing and dance.
Then tell us about it in Drunk Posting.
I figured that what I was telling you would come as no surprise. Just an honest assessment. I like how the main character was not introduced much at first actually. That's what flashbacks in later chapters are for.Per, have fun with getting drunk. Don't drink for depressing reasons....go out and sing and dance.
Then tell us about it in Drunk Posting.
Plesiosaur said:That's right! You have writing to do.
A lot of what I want to do is show how the character grows from one person into the other, though. So, I am finding it difficult and such.
Probably I am going to include another flashback scene, wherein we describe why the young John became a Ranger, and some experience he had as one that gave him valid experience. Clearly, a lot of what influences his life is his brother's experiences in the war, but I need to find a way for that to translate.
That's what I was thinking, too. I'll add that to the notes of things to add later.
What did you do to your laptop's HDD, Albie?
Albie
Keeping an open eye on the Weeping Angels.
It's still there, I use the USB stick to put on the necessary software to enable me to log into work - which is what I am doing at the moment. The reason for this is that I am loathed to put this work software onto my HDD - for some reason. They pay for my broadband and the USB stick, but not my laptop.
However, using the VPN to log into work disables the LAN and so I can't get internet access on my laptop - but it does allow me to remote desktop to my other PC which does give me 'net access.
However, using the VPN to log into work disables the LAN and so I can't get internet access on my laptop - but it does allow me to remote desktop to my other PC which does give me 'net access.
Geek.