Dream Killing Game

You win the Stanley Cup With the Habs no less. The Captain hands the cup to the alternate captain, who in turn gives it to the other alternate captain who in turn gives it to the guy that waited 20 freakin years to win the cup, who in turn gives it to the guy that scored the winning goal (this is turning biblical :D) Before you know it even the zamboni did a lap around the ice with it before closing down the building and everyone forgot to pass it down to you. The very next day you get traded to the Florida Panthers for a 5th round pick, because all you did during the cup run was eat up ice time to let the good players rest, maybe bang a few bodies here and there, but since you played the required number of games they HAVE TO put your name on the cup. None of your friends even believe you're on the Cup since you never held it. Adamant to prove them wrong you download the list of names from a team blog only to realize both your first AND last names were misspelled as Lucy Canyon. Your friends make fun of you because that is the name of a third rate stripper in your home town's only strip club, who has 5 kids, a coke habit and a loser dead bit husband.

Since you are not Lucy Canyon and you now reside in the horrible hell hole that is Florida where you are doomed to play for senior citizens for the next 6 years (sorry your contract included a no-trade clause), you did not get your day with the Cup. Instead The stripper from your home town with said name and five kids was shocked when she opened the door to her shack and found Phil Pritchard, Keeper of the Cup standing there with it. Immediately her dead beat husband kills him with one the kid's Spongebob toys proving parenting groups right when they complained that show was an abomination and should be taken off the air. They bury the body in the back yard, bathe all five kids, including the 12 year old in the Cup, then have sex in it, selling it on e-bay the next day for 2 million dollars allowing Lucy to stop Stripping and follow her dream of becoming a gardener. Her dead beat husband bought a suit at Target and finally got a job... While you play for senior citizens... in Florida...


I want to fly.

oh P.S

Suicidehummer said:
I want no laws to apply to me.
Click to expand...

No law applies to you, not even the law of gravity so you float up into space and blow up.... That was easy. Sure I could go into detail, but I'm spent after LC's :p
 
You ride a tiger, you can see his stripes but you know he's clean. Oh yeah, Oxyclean! Oh don't you see what I mean? Jump on the tiger! You can feel his heart but you know he's mean! He bitch slaps his girl friend all the time. Some light can never be seen. Unless you got the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight risin' up to the challenge of our rival and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night and he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger! fucking stalker. so as you ride your mean, eagle-eyed tiger Harold and Kumar catch up to you on their tiger and before you know it it's a scene straight out of Return of the Jedi, except it's tigers instead of speeder bikes! They're laughing and pointing at you because they're high and they find it hilarious that your tiger is Oxyclean clean. So they kick your tiger and you guys collide against a red oak and die instantly.

I want a pogo stick.
 
Onhell said:
You ride a tiger, you can see his stripes but you know he's clean. Oh yeah, Oxyclean! Oh don't you see what I mean? Jump on the tiger! You can feel his heart but you know he's mean! He bitch slaps his girl friend all the time. Some light can never be seen. Unless you got the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight risin' up to the challenge of our rival and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night and he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger! fucking stalker. so as you ride your mean, eagle-eyed tiger Harold and Kumar catch up to you on their tiger and before you know it it's a scene straight out of Return of the Jedi, except it's tigers instead of speeder bikes! They're laughing and pointing at you because they're high and they find it hilarious that your tiger is Oxyclean clean. So they kick your tiger and you guys collide against a red oak and die instantly.

I want a pogo stick.
Click to expand...

And you are pogoing on the observation deck at the Empire State Building, when you accidentally pogo over the side.

I want you all to have an evening with my ex-wife.  :)
 
Wasted CLV said:
And you are pogoing on the observation deck at the Empire State Building, when you accidentally pogo over the side.

I want you all to have an evening with my ex-wife.   :)
Click to expand...

Your wife and I go out on a date.  She's actually very nice, but has a plan to murder you.  Her plan is to hire me.  She pays me $50 million dollars and my own cabin on Ed Force One.  Therefore, I kill you.  Nothing personal, just business.

Anyone ever play Baldur's Gate?  I want to hang out with Minsc for a day.
 
LooseCannon said:
You get killed by my +5 Vorpal Chaosapiant-Bane sword.

I eat some pizza.
Click to expand...

The pizza....it's not very good.

I'm on a boat!! (are these even wishes anymore, or just statements)
 
LooseCannon said:
Can you put some effort into someone else's dreams, you fuckin' Mexican?
Click to expand...

Uuuum... I do. Did you not see what I did to chaosapiant's? That was epic. Not "Pirate Daughter" Epic, but close... admitingly I didn't really try too hard on that second one of yours. Just mish mashed Holy Diver and Eye of the Tiger... :D
 
Suicidehummer said:
Housefire. Oops.

I want a sandwich.
Click to expand...

The Universe hears your plea and you hear a knock on the door. When you open it you find the members of Spinal Tap holding copies of their album, "Shark Sandwich." "Hea' ya go," Says Nigel. "Dude... I said I wanted a Sandwich... not a CD." David St. Hubbin explains it to you, because he is convinced you are too stupid to get it, "But the name of the album IS Shark SAND-WICH." You stand your ground, "But I'm HUNGRY, I can't eat that piece of shit!." "Oh so you agree with the critics huh? That it's a "shit sandwich?" "Well... yeah." Nigel gets all up in your face and starts yelling at you like a drill sergeant, "Can you turn a PB&J up to eleven?! Can you turn a BLT up to eleven?! Huh? ANSWER ME PUNK!" "um.. n-" "SHUT UP! Can you turn a grilled Cheese up to eleven?! NO!"

Completely hurt and insulted that yet one more  person can't stand their shitty work they hold you down and shove a stick of dynamite up your ass. As they light it they tell you that it is in honor of all their drummers that have spontaneously combusted over the years, but your combustion won't be as spontaneous, except for the fact that you didn't see it coming...

I want a soda...
 
chaosapiant said:
Your soda is diet, you wanted original.
Click to expand...
That... was cruel, what did I do to you?

I wish I was a house cat with opposable thumbs.
Click to expand...

You are a house cat with oposable thumbs. Your owner, Mindy, finds it cute that she can give you a glass of milk and you can drink it. One day she invites her new boyfriend, Ted, over for some hanky panky and he catches site of the "cute" spectacle. Curious he wonders if you'll do the same with a beer can. You give him one of those "you are a dumbass" stares cat usually give their owners, because why wouldn't you be able to do it with beer too? To show off, not only do you drink it, but you chug that Keystone Light like there's no tomorrow. Impressed, Ted ignores Mindy and starts making phone calls inviting people over. You are the life of the party, seriously without you there these losers have nothing better to do. When ted is not plugging Mindy he is watching online porn and playing WOW. Kathy and her boyfriend smoke pot all day which is why not only do they find you chugging beer amazing, they are convinced you are an alien. Ted has the brilliant idea of taking the show on the road, but because he gets you a shitty agent you only become a Youtube sensation as "beer chugging cat." The fact that you miraculously have opposable thumbs is completely ignored. The comments range from positive encouragement to death threats by PETA, others merely ask if you are neutered to comply with city ordinances. Ted responds that you are not, that it takes a cat with BALLS to chug Keystone Light, because aparently having opposable thumbs had nothing to do with it.

Since you only became a youtube star your biggest billing was the Jimmy Kimmel show and you came on after an a Chinese sister act that could open their eyes really wide. Soon the fad wears out and Ted can only get you into strip clubs and seedy bars where townies verbally harass you by yelling, Yeah... chug that you pussy! Get it Earl? I called the cat a pussy! hahahaha!" The months of chugging Keystone Light take a toll on your liver and your brain and after a stroke Ted finally decides to retire you. He dumps you outside of Mindy's doorstep who has broken up with Ted because he focused to much on you, her cat, instead of her pussy. She now shacks up with a 6'2 Black guy fueling the KKK's fears that the black man are out to take "our" white women. She in turn dumps you in the dumpster as you no longer want to drink milk, only Keystone Lights. It all came to a head when you threw the glass with milk at Tyron's balls rendering him useless for the next half hour, that's right, she's only in it for the sex.

You die a cold lonely death being crushed in the trash compactor. Years later CNN does a "Where are they now" piece featureing Youtube stars. When they find out you died in the trash compactor scientist are outraged. Not because a cat with opposable thumbs was destroyed, but because they too found it awesome you could chug Keystone Light and such a gift to humanity should have never been taken away like that. Mindy gets 25 to Life for neglectful catslaughter. Tyron gets the death penalty for sleeping with a white woman. Ted is given a medal for discovering you, but says without you by his side to share it is only an empty victory...

I want to be a pirate....
 
Suicidehummer said:
I wish my name was Steely Dan.
Click to expand...

Your are kidnapped and killed infront of the Chinese People's Liberation Army. Because one of there main targets is called Steely Dan.

I wish I wasn't born in sand nigger town.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top