❤ Dating Advice For MaidenFans Thread ❤

Saapanael said:
Why does life not want me to forget her? I had again reached the point where thinking about her wasn’t painful anymore and then I dreamed about her
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Saapanael said:
Now I’ll spend the next few months forgetting her until she appears in a dream again, probably.
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Exactly that. I will never forget about this girl, no matter what I do. Last night I was trying to fall asleep, in vain because I was sober. I kept thinking and thinking, and writing and reading…and somehow I knew I was going to dream about her. And I did. As always, there were other people around and I was trying to get her undivided attention. Eventually I did talk to her, but not for long until she decided to go home with a friend of hers. “But we’ll be back soon,” she said, to which I replied: “I don’t think you will.” It’s unbearable, I want to forget her so bad but I can’t. She always finds a way back. I wish I could re-wire my brain to make it realise she’s just another person, nothing more, and stop obsessing over her.
Moreover, a lack of human intimacy has made me think of another girl I knew a couple of years ago. The only one I’ve known that I can say was an actual girlfriend, or at least between friend and something more. She left me while I was in the army. Claimed to love somebody else. Couldn’t blame her, the relationship didn’t seem to be working out anyway. But recently I’ve started to wonder if I should’ve been better to her and kept her more carefully. She was beautiful and smart, and we had meaningful conversations on all sorts of topics. She made gests that no one else has made for me, like sending me a letter from Russia, an incredibly sweet letter. But I wasn’t invested enough in her. For some reason, she was sure I had somebody else, but I didn’t have anyone. In fact, she was the only friend I had, let alone girlfriend. I did tell her once that I had a crush on the other girl, the one I can’t forget now. She didn’t care, probably was looking for another guy already. Going back the timeline in my head, I actually developed crushes on them around the same time, autumn 2019, when they both entered university (studying different things). One from Russia, the other from Ukraine…ironic. And in the end I couldn’t get either one. I think these “defeats” have broken me in a way that’s left me feeling neck deep in shit for a long time. I’m angry at myself for not being good enough to get the girl, and I’m frustrated at how things don’t work out in life like you’d like them to. Perhaps the most torturing thing is that from time to time I’ve had really meaningful discussions with the Ukrainian girl, which has made me realise that we share many things in our thinking. But she always left me hanging in the end, stopped replying. I wish I could be happy with just the few conversations we had. I don’t know why we couldn’t be friends. Probably a lack of common interests, activities or whatever. Even though we studied the same damn thing, just in different courses. And now I have a degree in a field that I have practically zero prospects in. It all frustrates me to hell, like all I got from the past five years was this unhealing wound in my heart. I really, genuinely wanted us to become something. But I couldn’t even become her friend. “Why?” I ask. Didn’t she recognize I was trying to be good to her?

I read the replies to my posts on the previous page of this thread and a couple of things stood out to me: find a social group, write down the things you like and find people with common interests. I think the problem has been that I wasn’t interested in anything, had lost my motivation to go out and take a step in a new direction. Like being stuck, you know? These issues probably go back a long way, to something I might not even realise. I am awaiting therapy, so you know. I’m just now discovering things to do in life again. On that note, here’s what I’m going to do about it. I’ll be studying again starting September. Completely new field, a new shot at life. New people around me, new chance to find a social circle. I must remember of course that I’m doing this to become knowledgeable about the field and improve my chances of earning decent money in the future, not to find a girl. So to keep my mind clear and focused and to filter out as much trash in my head as possible before the semester starts, I will work out properly in August, I won’t smoke any weed at all, I’ll start reading books again, I’ll clean my apartment and keep it clean. Then I’ll see if all it took was getting my shit together or if ghosts of unrequited love will still haunt me.

I nearly forgot: this morning when I woke up from the dream, I thought of making one final move and telling her flat out that I’ve had feelings for her for four years. Maybe in a month or so. But I feel - and tell me if I’m right about this - that it wouldn’t change a thing anymore. I’ve tried to ask her out in the past, she rejected me, we had some good chats that ended abruptly, and that’s it. She doesn’t think about me like I think about her, she doesn’t want me to tell her that I love her. She’s never going to change her mind, is she?

Sorry guys, I had to put it all out there. Too many things have been boiling for too long. As one last thought I want to add that a harsh sense of loneliness has sent me since I was 15 years old. My parents broke up at that time and I started to drift apart with my friends at school around then. Ever since, I’ve been hoping to find a soul who understands me. Perhaps that’s what I thought I’d found in that girl, and what I’m now unable to let go of.
 
Saapanael said:
I thought of making one final move and telling her flat out that I’ve had feelings for her for four years. Maybe in a month or so. But I feel - and tell me if I’m right about this - that it wouldn’t change a thing anymore. I’ve tried to ask her out in the past, she rejected me, we had some good chats that ended abruptly, and that’s it. She doesn’t think about me like I think about her, she doesn’t want me to tell her that I love her. She’s never going to change her mind, is she?
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You already know the answer -- based on your description, she's definitely not interested in you in that way, and it sounds like she isn't particularly interested in you in any way. And that's OK. There isn't really any reason to profess your feelings for her unless you personally need to get that off your chest in order to move on.

You really need to ask yourself why you so desperately need validation from these disinterested women. It sounds like you have a gaping emotional hole that you're trying to plug with someone else, and that's just not how things work. Until you can be whole and comfortable on your own, without being in a relationship, you aren't going to be able to be a good partner for anyone else, because you're going to keep projecting your needs onto them and getting frustrated when they don't magically cure your own internal issues.

Your decision to seek therapy is probably a good idea, since this obsession with external validation seems to be crippling you. Making a concerted effort to get your shit together in general is also the right instinct. Get right with yourself on your own terms, build up some natural confidence from finally becoming comfortable with yourself, and before too long you'll encounter someone who's actually interested in and excited about you. That's someone who will actually be worth your time.
 
Jer said:
You already know the answer -- based on your description, she's definitely not interested in you in that way, and it sounds like she isn't particularly interested in you in any way. And that's OK. There isn't really any reason to profess your feelings for her unless you personally need to get that off your chest in order to move on.

You really need to ask yourself why you so desperately need validation from these disinterested women. It sounds like you have a gaping emotional hole that you're trying to plug with someone else, and that's just not how things work. Until you can be whole and comfortable on your own, without being in a relationship, you aren't going to be able to be a good partner for anyone else, because you're going to keep projecting your needs onto them and getting frustrated when they don't magically cure your own internal issues.

Your decision to seek therapy is probably a good idea, since this obsession with external validation seems to be crippling you. Making a concerted effort to get your shit together in general is also the right instinct. Get right with yourself on your own terms, build up some natural confidence from finally becoming comfortable with yourself, and before too long you'll encounter someone who's actually interested in and excited about you. That's someone who will actually be worth your time.
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You speak true, all of it. I cannot explain why I need this validation from people who don’t care about me. It’s not just girls either, but them most profoundly. As I said, my theory is that it goes back to teenage years, possibly earlier, the sense of not belonging anywhere and reaching for a savior, perhaps? A savior where there is none to be found.

By the way, writing that previous post helped me to relieve some of that stress that been building up. Writing things down really has a healing quality, but putting it up online for others to read is always risky.
 
Btw, my experience with the girl from the front row at Maiden in Hannover that I described a few posts earlier in here was finished as fast as it begun. It ended up really creepy (moronic and partly even psychotic behavior from her included), and so I decided to break up any contact to her a.s.a.p.
 
Saapanael said:
reaching for a savior, perhaps?
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And if then the girl has some psychotic damage as I had to experience most recently, that would make things even worse, wouldn't it? The problem is, you can never be too sure about in advance. And as long as you are out for a saviour things can become dangerous if you end up with girls who seriously need help and are mentally out of place. They won't bring any type of cure as they are unstable.
 
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I just came back from watching Barbie. There were a couple of touching moments in the movie, one of them near the end where Robbie rejects Gosling and says he needs to find out who he is by himself. It’s not “Barbie and Ken”, “it’s Barbie and it’s Ken”. If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll know the part I mean. It resonated with me because I think that’s very similar to the situation I’m in right now. I can’t rely on anyone (any woman, specifically) to make me whole, I have to be whole on my own, be that as difficult to accomplish as it is.
 
Night Prowler said:
So there's this girl at work. I posted about it on Slack but the gist of it is that she's been worshipping me at work for like a month or more. She asks for my help often, I help her, then she sings praises like I discovered gravity. She also sings praises about me to other people. I just help her as much as I help anyone else. She got me a really inventive and great Secret Santa gift, and wrote me a whole freaking song in the card. So idk if she's flirting with me or is just super appreciative of my work.

I'm leaving the team and I suggested to my team leaders that she take over my job as she truly was doing a great job since her promotion. I didn't tell her I'll do it in case they don't listen to me and told them they don't have to tell her that I pushed for it. We're not gonna be in the same team next year and teams at my company don't cooperate. We only have one team building per year where all teams show up.

So there's no conflict of interest then. She's way too hot so I don't know if I can pass the opportunity to at least make a move.

So if they confirm that she can take over from me next week, I'll ask her to come to the office so I can share my work. At the end of the day, I'd ask her if she wants to grab a beer/food after work. If she says no, and doesn't suggest other time - I'll take it that she's not interested. If she says yes, but bails after an hour or something like that - I'll take it that she's not interested.

I feel like it's a good plan. I'm such an overthinker.

Also, as far as I know, she hooked up with another co-worker from my team a while ago. It was a one night thing as far as I know, and he's been long gone from the team, but at least I know she's prone to coworker shenanigans :D
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Thought I'd provide an update here.

We hung out a couple of times. A couple of times in the office, and one time she came over to my place.

That time she came over to my place, I figured I'd make a move if she gave me any signs, but there were none. Didn't wanna drink, didn't stay for too long and dressed kind of casually (don't get me wrong, I prefer it that way) so I took it as a sign that she was just being friendly.

After that, she went back to her hometown. Turbulent times came to the company a few weeks after our last time hanging out, and she decided to leave. Up until that day, we'd text every day, but afterwards, she slowed down her responses, and a few weeks after she left the company, she stopped responding altogether.

So after all that, I concluded she was only sucking up to me due to possible benefits she could get from me at work. Once that was out of the equation, she bailed. I suspected that was the case from the beginning, so I'm not particularly disappointed.
 
Night Prowler said:
Thought I'd provide an update here.

We hung out a couple of times. A couple of times in the office, and one time she came over to my place.

That time she came over to my place, I figured I'd make a move if she gave me any signs, but there were none. Didn't wanna drink, didn't stay for too long and dressed kind of casually (don't get me wrong, I prefer it that way) so I took it as a sign that she was just being friendly.

After that, she went back to her hometown. Turbulent times came to the company a few weeks after our last time hanging out, and she decided to leave. Up until that day, we'd text every day, but afterwards, she slowed down her responses, and a few weeks after she left the company, she stopped responding altogether.

So after all that, I concluded she was only sucking up to me due to possible benefits she could get from me at work. Once that was out of the equation, she bailed. I suspected that was the case from the beginning, so I'm not particularly disappointed.
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Mi ex called me today asking if I had "20 minutes" to talk and I said sure, she burst into tears and literally went into a sob story. Poor woman has been hit hard by the cultural shock. She says she's having a tough time adjusting to A/C everywhere all the time, she doesn't like the food or the meal times. She specifically complained about the fruit, that it doesn't smell or taste like anything. I told her she may not like the A/C now, but that come winter she'll be thankful for central heating. That she may never come to enjoy the food, but that she'll find things she'll be comfortable with. I joked that one of the things I want to do when I go back to the US is go to a Waffle House, lol, don't know why, but it's been placed on the bucket list.

It was an interesting call on several fronts. For one, I think we will be good friends. We were able to talk as such rather than exes that miss each other. I even helped her set up an online profile to meet knew people since she also expressed feeling extremely lonely. She works as an Au Pair and lives with the family. I told her she is living in a situation similar to the pandemic lockdowns. She has no physical separation between work and leisure. I told her it was important for her to create that space for herself, every day or most days, after work to go for walks to the nearest park, go to a coffee shop, take a bus or subway to the library, etc. To have patience and give it time as she's only been there 2 weeks. I told her to not lose hope as it will get better. She said she felt so stupid, because she wanted this and not even 2 weeks in she wants to come back. "I wanted this, I always saw myself leaving Mexico and I DON'T want to go back, but this SUCKS!"

I told her that everything she is experiencing is completely valid and normal. I reminded her that when I left with my mom I made life harder for myself thinking I'd be back any minute. I was depressed for 4 years and Arizona didn't feel like "home" until 7 years in. Had I realized it was impossible to know when I'd actually come back and embraced the experience, I might have gotten over my homesickness and depression a little sooner. That the fact she wants this is to her advantage, because she'll get over it quicker. I told her to give it the year minimum allowed by the program. I stressed that it will all take time, to get used to life there, to make new friends, to find her space and rhythm and to not despair.

While the talk helped her it actually bummed me out a bit. It reminded me about how much those first 4 years in AZ sucked ass, how hard it was and that indeed, it took a while to create a new life. Now that I'm back in Mexico I miss my friends in the US, because we hung out so often and I had several social groups. Here all my social groups fell apart during the pandemic. One friend is as busy as I am, another moved back to his hometown an hour away, another entered a Master's program in Ireland, another got divorced, most of the group "chose sides" and I was the only neutral party who now talks to the rest of the group on an individual basis... online. So aside from Online Halo sessions with my AZ friends.... I don't socialize too much. Thank god I'm a workaholic otherwise I'd be way sadder lol.

I decided to pay my mom a visit since she's the only person near me that knows exactly what I'm going through since she's lived it herself several times. When we went to AZ it was far from her first rodeo. It helped, she told me again about the extremely difficult year she had living on her own while working in Silver City New Mexico, but thanks to that she learned to live alone, we reminisced about leaving to AZ, coming back, how that was the same, but different.

Culture Shock is no joke. I know my ex will be fine, I just hope she realizes that too.
 
Onhell said:
Culture Shock is no joke. I know my ex will be fine, I just hope she realizes that too.
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No joke. I’m ultra adaptive person, probably the most I’ve ever known and it takes me at least a year every time I move to a new place to call it home.
Except Taiwan that it took me 3 months, because I knew the time is short.
 
Signed up for this "speed dating" night at some bar.

It has the possibility of giving me more depression fuel, if I don't like any of the girls there or if none of the girls there like me, but my therapist told me I focus too much on worst possible outcomes, so I'll work on that and think positive thoughts about it.
 
How about not thinking about any outcome and just go with it? Sounds like a fun night regardless, get out of the house, if it's at a bar I assume you can have a beer or two, so just see it as that. A night out where YOU are going to have fun regardless of what happens, don't let your mood depend on what others think of you.

I've been talking to some women online, because I'm super busy to actually do face-to-face dating and I LOVE it when they ask, "So what do you do and how much do you make," because I am 100% honest and they predictably stop talking to me. My feelings aren't hurt, because that's not the type of relationship I'm looking for. But just being "out there" is fun and no harm in testing the waters.
 
Night Prowler said:
Wow, people actually ask that on (presumably) first dates?
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I saw a meme a few years ago that said something like, "Dating in your 20s: Let's see where this goes! Dating in your 30s: Here's my list of demands, if you can't meet them move on." And there is some truth to that. You become pickier, you are no longer playing games, etc. A friend once told me, referring to her divorce, "If I could do it all over again I'd ask about Credit History, medical history both mental and physical," At the time I was shocked... now makes complete sense. I found this online once:
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