Discussion in 'Best of / Worst of Polls forum' started by Perun, Apr 14, 2018.
How does the lord feel about Ghost? And has nobody picked Sabaton yet?
WASP, gods be damned, WASP!
Already taken care of
For the great Wogmidget truly knew the meaning of the term... "Be quick, or be dead!"
Having studied the sprawling fields of an Earth on the precipice of eternal damnation, Mr. Knickerbocker approached the podium of the LORD. He watched carefully as men and women of the long-haired clans, the black leathered gangs, the corpse-painted of face, the jacketed of jeans, and the belted of bullets took their rightful spots among the most metal of arks. "Ye of Midwestern guise, who be you?" asked the LORD.
"I am Knickerbocker, and you may call me Mister. I have come with a selection of metallic forces."
And the LORD paused before speaking thus, "Why is your name so long, creature? Have you not a strong set of wits?"
"My name is what you have given me. I strongly suggest you think more clearly when labeling your future disciples."
The LORD agreed. "That is a fair request, mortal."
"Indeed it is," said the Mister of Knickerbockers, "And maybe cut out the misogyny while you're at it."
The LORD grew impatient for his character had been called into question. He demanded to hear the most recent list of bands allowed into his heavenly metal festival. From his pocket, Mr. Knickerbocker withdrew a large scroll with many names written upon it. He had crossed off each band as others had priorforth named them as their own. Now, with far less to choose from, he spake the names thusly: ...Tom Waits.
The LORD shook his head. "This Tom of Waits is not worthy of metal."
"But LORD, surely his gravelly voice is heavier than many bands already allowed entry to your celestial ark?"
"Maybe," the LORD said. "But he is of the alternative music scene which I hath sentenced to the layer of Hell where everyone must drink cheap whiskey in a greasy spoon diner with a broken window and no air conditioning."
"...that's very fitting actually. He'll be happy there."
Without further ado, Mr. Knickerbocker spoke the names of the next to be saved: "Symphony X, Armored Saint, Clutch, Kamelot, Amorphis, Seventh Wonder, Amon Amarth, Fates Warning, Joe Satriani, and Visigoth."
The LORD nodded emphatically and sent out the call to these ten groups before settling in to await his next supplicant.
You people are wonderful, all of you.
Did the LORD spake that?
And then came forth Ariana, for she was a woman and could not hold her tongue for eternity, and she stepped close to Lord and took out a rolled newspaper and whacked Lord across the top of his head and thus spoke to him: "Thou thinketh of thyself as a mighty smart man but thou art foolish. Thee mother shall be ashamed of thou." And then Lord looked at Ariana and spoke: "Woe is me. Mine own mother shall be depressed and shan't make brownies for supper. Go forth, oh wise Ariana, and showeth me thy list." And thus Ariana opened her newspaper, which was not a newspaper but a scroll and read"
System of a Down
Pearl Jam (don't you dare say they're not metal if Queen and Guns and Roses are in)
Type O Negative
Thy name hath once been spake. Thine must chooseth again.
Truly he spaked it
And Forostar the Ferocious stepped into the hall. .. and he shouted: "LORD, what sort of heretic mess have your servants made? We need to set the names of these metal forces in stone. In lists. Vertical lists, to see them clearer."
Then he turned and said he'd come back and think of some names.
And then the LORD spake unto the heathen Jer: "Verily, be this not ironic that the LORD hath chosen to disprove thine atheism through the miracle of metal salvation? Merely sayest thou the names of ten unique bands and Nickelback shall surely burn for eternity in their stead!"
And Jer said, "Wow, no wonder there's so much rape and murder in this world with you distracting yourself with frivolous shit like this -- but hey, I'm game!", and it was good.
And so didst Jer the Heathen ponder his options, and so didst he consult the List Of Many Nominations, and only then didst he offer his own selection of ten:
Dokken (1987 vintage)
Nine Inch Nails
Queensryche (1988 vintage)
Skyclad (2000 vintage)
And then the LORD didst say, "WE damn it, be that not the finest addition to the list that thou hast ever seen?" Amen.
Then, Number 6 stepped forth, for he was not a number, but a free man, and shouted: "LORD, might I inquire why the fuck hasn't any of these ignorant pricks picked Slayer yet?"
And the LORD responded: "How dare they? They shall be punished!"
"But LORD," Number 6 spoke again. "You missed it too."
"Silence, mortal! Thou shall not challenge me."
"Forgive me, LORD." Okay, so maybe he wasn't that free. "Might I show you my list?" The LORD consented. "Thank you, LORD. I have carefully selected Slayer, Pantera, Twisted Sister, Motörhead, Kamelot and After Forever."
"But those are only 6. There are 4 left."
"My other 4, LORD, are not exactly what you can call traditional metal. One of them, technically, is not even metal." The LORD groaned, ready to dismiss the man's choices. "But they're all unique in their own kind of way, and I think they would be worth saving. They are Amaranthe, Evanescence, The Pretty Reckless and In This Moment."
As the LORD was about to send him away, Number 6 continued: "Plus, if it wasn't for me, there would be no Slayer."
The LORD pondered. He sighed.
"Very well. Thy choices shalt be accepted!"
Separate names with a comma.