Save ten bands!

Perun

Perun

His name struck fear into hearts of men
Staff member
And there came the age of decadence. And all the bards became decadent, but there were some that became more decadent still. And the one named Bieber exposed himself before those who followed him, and his followers cheered. And the one named Kanye rode through the city streets on a sow and all cheered. And there was gluttony and hedonism among them all. And the LORD saw that all was not good. And thus the LORD spoke: "Fuck my old boots!" And the LORD judged that his creation had passed its prime, and he judged that it needed to be destroyed.

But there was one genre that was righteous. This, the LORD had called "metal". And it was of good men and of righteous mind. Thus the LORD spoke to the adherents of metal and told each adherent to name but ten bands he found worthy of saving from the deluge, and that each shall listen to the one before and none shall name the same ten bands, and that none shall name a band that one named before him. And the LORD spoke thus: "Be it thine knowledge that those maidens of iron and all those who frolick among them or hath done so in the past are amongst those chosen by mine self. Thou shalt not name these. And if those you named are deceased then I shall resurrect them, for truly I am the LORD." And the LORD spoke that those bands chosen and those men who chose them would be assembled on an ark and that once the floods had dried and the earth was pure and good again, they shall rule the world and there shall be only a metal festival for all eternity.

And the one named Perun walked up and spoke first and he spoke thus: "I have heard thine call, o LORD, and I shall name but the following: Atlantean Kodex, Primordial, Moonsorrow, Maél Mordha, Grand Magus, Manowar, Vreid, Enforcer, Dio and Iced Earth." And the LORD spoke thus: "Are these thine picks?" And Perun spoke thus: "These are my picks, for they are my favoured and those I deem worthy of survival." And the LORD saw that Perun had spoken wisely and he was satisfied with his answer, and the LORD let Perun and those he had chosen enter the ark to be blissful and satisfied for all eternity.

And the LORD spoke to those assembled and said: "Who shall be next?"
 
And behold, Magnus the Irreverent appeared, with a pint in one hand, and a pint in the other, and some single malt upon him, and spoke thus: "What's with the number ten dude, are you obsessed with it or something? Here's my picks anyway, and I'll find out later I forgot some important; for this is the way of Magnus, namely l'esprit d'escalier, excuse my French: Arcturus, Bathory, Enslaved, My Dying Bride, Negură Bunget, Dordeduh, Dark Millennium, Nuclear Assault, Venom and Ulver. Verily."
 
The LORD invited forward another, whereupon a wizard appeared and he was black. "Speak wizard, but cast no spells. State those whom thou yearnst to save." The wizard, who was blacker than the night, put forth his offerings: "Testament, Megadeth, Kreator, Anthrax and Gojira. Five who are Thrash and one who is not." The LORD was confused: "But wizard, you have selected only five! Art thou not merciful enough to save more? Thou art a very bad (or sick) guy! Sad!" The wizard, who was blacker than the one named Kanye on his sow, was taken aback: "But LORD, this is FAKE NEWS. I have yet to conclude my choices. Five more I have to choose and five more I will say unto thee!" The LORD was becoming impatient: "Well get on with it then wizard. I have much left to do in making Metal great again!" The wizard, who was blacker than the choices of Magnus the Irreverant, put forth his final choices unto the LORD: "Blind Guardian, to guard us in the feasting halls of Valhalla - I have not forgotten thee! Avantasia, whose inclusion will save many musicians from Power Metal whose bands have been overlooked. Dream Theater, whom I pick In the Name of God. My final choices are Epica and Delain, as we need some hot Metal chicks at this eternal Metal festival." The LORD was pleased with (and aroused by) the wizard's final choices: "Congratulations! Your bands have been accepted into the eternal Metal festival".

The wizard vanished into the darkness and the LORD spoke again: "Who shall be next?"
 
Then the Flash told da LAWD "Goddamn bruh dis festival $hit be on fleek ya no wham sayin'?" Da LAWD said "Gots to have my $wag on ya no da rulz mah dude. Nah give me 10 bands, make sure they ain't ass, they has to be fire up in dis joint". Flash was no bitch ass mofo, he ain't play no gamez. He told da LAWD "Put sum respek on mah bands name cuz, save Opeth, Metallica, Black Sabbath, Death, Bloodbath, Judas Priest, Rage Against the Machine, Emperor, Darkthrone and Katatonia". Da LAWD dabbed on these bitches and said "Fo shizzle".
 
And so did the midget of the great southern lands emerge from the darklands of uni-lon, to find the Lord had brought his judgement upon the decadent and the immoral. And over forty lagers and forty ales did he ponderr the ten bands of most pure spirit, such that they may escape the coming a-rock-alypse and live on for eternity. Firstly, he did beseech the Lord that the Lord may restore John of Worcestershire and Malcolm of Glasgow to Earthly life, so that the Zeppelin of Led may once again take flight and the power of AC and DC may once more course through the people. Then he once again called upon the Lord, that Jon of Leicster may be reborn, and that Ritchie of Somerset may put away his, uh, organ, so that music of Deepest Purple may sound to the nations. At this point the Lord did state that he was sick of raising the dead, that the midget should pick some younger bands, and that his time was running rather short. Taken aback by divine power, the midget did quickly list Ghost, Helloween, Hammerfall, Battle Beast, Nightwish, Mastodon, and Sabaton in time for the Lord to list the chosen ten bands, and before anyone else could interject.
 
Woe to you, oh Earth and Sea
For mckindog saves not just bands with wrath
Because he knows their melody is short

Let him who hath understanding
Quibble not with the nature of his picks
For they are all of a pious number
Part of the Almighty’s righteous 666

Ac/DC, Thin Lizzy, Angel City, Coheed and Cambria, Van Halen, Queen, Michael Schenker, Kings X, Rush and Iron Maiden.
 
Lo there did I see my Father and he bid me nominate Christy Moore and lo there did I see my Mother and she hailed me "Fuckin Buddy Holly!" but scorn them both, did I. The Halls of Valhalla demand that the Rock rolls harder than thine passions.

Ah! And as I wandered the mountain passes there came a message to me, the Lords informed me that fellow wanderers nominated Thin Lizzy, Rage, Deep Purple and the AC of DC and tore my world asunder. "Fuck 'em," said I.

I nominate Guns n Roses, Survivor (2 songs to rule them all), Mr Cooper, Manegarm, The Wildhearts and the almighty Therapy?
 
Black Wizard said:
And the LORD was angry: "Two of thee have selected the same band! One must change or both shall be smitten with lightning and none of thine offerings will be admitted to the eternal Metal festival."
Click to expand...

The midget did beseech unto the Lord: "Twas I who said it first. By the rulings of the apocalypse, none shall repeat the suggestion of he who has gone before him. Or something."
 
Black Wizard said:
And the LORD was angry: "Two of thee have selected the same band! One must change or both shall be smitten with lightning and none of thine offerings will be admitted to the eternal Metal festival."
Click to expand...
Wogmidget said:
The midget did beseech unto the Lord: "Twas I who said it first. By the rulings of the apocalypse, none shall repeat the suggestion of he who has gone before him. Or something."
Click to expand...

Ive got God on my side.
 
The list of nominations had grown ever longer, and lo! the LORD was greatly confuzzled. "Too many bands to keep track of! How shalt I ever remember which were submitted?"

Then came forth THE MAN OF MANY LISTS, and he spake: "Fear not, O Holy One! I come to thee with the complete list of bands nominated thus far!"

And the LORD cried, "Not another fucking list?"

Atlantean Kodex
Primordial
Moonsorrow
Maél Mordha
Grand Magus
Manowar
Vreid
Enforcer
Dio
Iced Earth
Arcturus
Bathory
Enslaved
My Dying Bride
Negură Bunget
Dordeduh
Dark Millennium
Nuclear Assault
Venom
Ulver
Testament
Megadeth
Kreator
Anthrax
Gojira
Blind Guardian
Avantasia
Dream Theater
Epica
Delain
Opeth
Metallica
Black Sabbath
Death
Bloodbath
Judas Priest
Rage Against the Machine
Emperor
Darkthrone
Katatonia
Led Zeppelin
AC/DC
Deep Purple
Ghost
Helloween
Hammerfall
Battle Beast
Nightwish
Mastodon
Sabaton
Thin Lizzy
Angel City
Coheed and Cambria
Van Halen
Queen
Michael Schenker
Kings X
Rush
Guns n Roses
Survivor
Alice Cooper
Manegarm
The Wildhearts
Therapy

After giving THE MAN OF MANY LISTS much thanks, the LORD asked, "And now my child, do you have any of which to submit?"

"But surely, Father, all my bands have already been submitted!"

"Well, pick some out of a hat."

"Fine. I shall choose the following to help you in your metal world: Ahab, Buckethead, Carcass, Amputated, Mercyful Fate, Alestorm, Morbid Angel, Annihilator, and Bruce Dickinson of the solo years. And since some of the nominations have been more hard rock than metal, might I ask thee, O Lord, to grant me permission to include ABBA as my tenth choice?"

The LORD pondered this.
 
And Magnus appeared again, his hands empty this time (for he needed them to clap at Diesel's wit); and thus he mumbled, with a foolish grin on his face: "Er, know what I said about staircase wit, how about we count Negură Bunget and Dordeduh as one, cause they really are basically, in a way at least, and some folks nominated less than ten bands anyway, so there should be some place is what I'm saying, so, you know, how about we add Sabbat to the chosen ones?"
 
And the wizard, clad in black, reappeared, starling Magnus the Irreverent. The wizard proclaimed "LORD we must have Sabbat in the eternal Metal festival. Without Andy Sneap we would have no one to produce the albums that all these bands may record! What say thee LORD?"
 
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