I want the cycle of misery to end. I want to be able to feel joy, I want to let go of the negative things that hold me back. I want to have friends and hear something reassuring every now and then. I want to have a girlfriend and stop obsessing over every female who walks. I want to belong, feel at home, have fun and believe that youth is the beautiful time everyone lets you know it is. I don’t want to be lost any longer, commuting back and forth aimlessly. I don’t want to step outside, suffocated by misery. I want to abandon all the noise and focus on the good things. I want things to change, as I’ve wanted for years, and I don’t know what the hell to do to make life worth living. I want to know that there is a reason to push on.
There are quite a few things to unpack here, but I think I have some suggestions. The first one is, I recently shared a Ted Talk on my facebook with the headline, "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is connection." I think it applies to things like anxiety, depression, stress, etc. I see that as the common theme of your post. The girlfriend, belonging, not feeling miserable, etc. What you yearn for is connection. This has many forms, but it starts with YOU. You HAVE TO be connected to yourself, know, forgive and love yourself. It is NOT easy and it's a lifelong, ongoing process, but once you hit your stride things become a tad easier.
I noticed something with myself after my divorce a couple of years ago. I no longer wanted a partner. Not because I was bitter or jaded (I was lol), but because I saw myself as having had my run and a rather successful one when it came to women and dating. I was done. One of the reasons I was at peace with that decision was my strong bond to my friends, both men and women. It dawned on me that I had deep, intimate relationships with my friends without the necessity of physical intimacy. They accepted and loved me for who I was, faults and all. They didn't judge me, but did set me straight when I needed it. I could truly speak my mind without fear of an unpleasant argument. More importantly, the ability to be open and vulnerable without fear of losing them or being ridiculed. Everything you are supposed to get from a partner. I say "supposed to," because due to stupid romantic comedies, idealizing and romantizicing relationships instead of the the truth that it isn't all good all the time, people tend to fall in love with the IDEA of being in love and in a relationship rather than being willing to put in the hard work that it takes to be in one. Aside from realizing how lucky I was with the nature of my friendships, I also realized I adored my freedom. Doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted withouth having to check in with someone even out of common courtesy. Point is, yeah partners are great, but get ready to compromise... A LOT.
Also, who says youth is a beautiful time? Life sucks, always. No matter how young or old you are. "Childhood" and the idea of "enjoying your youth" is a first-world, middle class construct. MOST people live in squaler, MOST people struggle all their lives. thousands are currently dropping dead in Yemen of starvation. China spies and controls their own citizens to the point it decides who can travel and who can't. The U.S can't provide decent education or basic needs like clean drinking water to many of its regions.... life is hard, always. But just because it is hard and it sucks it doesn't mean it can't be enjoyable.
You have to shed expectations, social and your own. For example, nothing wrong in wanting a girlfriend, but she should be an "extra" in your life. YOU are responsible for your happiness, not her. All these things you yearn are extras. Are you employed? Have a roof over your head? can cover your basic needs every month and still have a little extra to go to the movies? Then, my friend, you're golden. Being ALIVE is reason enough to be "happy." Remember, be at peace with yourself and with what you HAVE, instead of stressing over what you don't. Wanting things is not a bad things, that's how we progress, but want them for the RIGHT reasons. Again, a partner should be a plus to your life and should not, like Jerry Mcguire says, complete you. You should already be complete or as close to it as no one is perfect. The more at peace you are with yourself the easier you'll find it to connect with others and ultimately someone specifically.
I suffered a lot from the time I was a teen to my late 20s. We all have our own journeys and will come to our own conclusions, point is, it can get better. Not saying it will, because again, that's up to you, but it definitely can.
