Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “In an age where literally everything has to be arch, knowing, witty or retro, Iron Maiden fans somehow still don’t give a fuck.
“They just like their thing for what it is, their hairy backs aren’t a statement and when they wear double denim with a bumbag it’s in no way ironic.
“The rest of us will never achieve that level of enjoyment of anything, because our stupid aspirations have made us into dicks.”
Professor Brubaker said: “Their houses may smell of feet and engine oil but they make everyone else in the country look like pretentious twats.”