CHEESEVIVÖR: The Book of Metal: ALL HAIL VICTORIUS!

THE LAST BATTLE

  • Total voters
    9
  • Poll closed .
Perun said:
As an Iranologist (yes, that's a thing and I'm actually making a living with that)
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Fully 15 years after we first met, you can finally say this!

Mighty dinosaurs, fight the holy war
Epic war machines sworn to protect the realm
Mighty dinoforce, rise and never fall
Epic war machines sworn to protect the realm

OH GOD THE LASER SOUNDS. Victorius a thousand times. This could be the cheesiest thing we've ever heard. My god.

Halloween vs Helloween. Sorry, Halloween is just bad, and Helloween is a progenitor.
 
Victorius is cheesy as hell, but damn, I was really impressed by Sacred Blood. That's a really great song.

Helloween's epic is a classic, but not as good IMO as Keeper Of The Seven Keys. I've been probably the only supporter of Halloween (with an A) this whole game, and they are still a great band here.

Good stuff, all four, but Sacred Blood and Halloween are the better ones.
 
VOLUME I, Chapter 35: GLORIOUS BATTALION BATTLE 5: Assedium vs Marius Danielsen

Assedium - March of the Hoplite
Ancient Greek warfare of the Classical period (c. 600-350 BCE) was by and large a strategic affair, rather than one concerning blunt force. Consequently, large battles were to be avoided, and there was a good reason for it. Typically, a land battle had two evenly sized phalanges consisting of anything between 200 and 1000 hoplite warriors each, with the same equipment and training, fight from sunrise to sunset, and the winner was the party that asked for their dead to be carried from the battlefield. The Pelopponesian (431-404 BCE) and Corinthian (395-387 BCE) are prime examples of this typ of warfare, and it stands to reason that Athena, the goddess of strategic warfare, was more revered than Ares, the god in charge of brute battle. It was only under the Philipp II of Macedon and his successor, Alexander III (the Great) that tactical innovationson the battlefield, pioneered by Epameinondas of Thebes at Leuktra in 371 BCE, led to a more campaign-oriented style of warfare with decisive battles aimed at completely breaking the enemy force instead of achieving a favourable stalemate situation. The large battles fought against non-Greek adversaries such as the Persians or the Carthaginians really serve to be the exception that confirms the rule. Why this tedious description of hoplite warfare, you ask? I thought it might help you appreciate this song more.

Marius Danielsen - Chamber of Wisdom
The Legend of Valley Cheese and the quest for the Chosen One continues. It appears to me that the Chosen One is none other than Marius himself, the one and only man I would be ready to hand the title of CHEESEMÄSTER to if he set his ambitions towards this goal. Also, did he call the guy "warrior kink" there?

iur


VOLUME I, Chapter 36: GLORIOUS BATTALION BATTLE 6: Seven Kingdoms - Liege Lord

Seven Kingdoms - The King in the North
This band is not exactly escalating in popularity despite the fact that their Game of Thrones inspired brand of cheese does miss many of the boxes to tick. What is your explanation?

Liege Lord - Eye of the Storm
Erm, yeah, I was listening to this song in preparation, got distracted and put my earphones off, put them back on after a few minutes and was surprised the song was still going on, only to discover that I was already at the end of the next one on the album because I had the "Autoplay" function activated on YouTube. There you go.
 
Marius thoroughly outcheeses Assedium (and just about everyone else). Seven Kingdoms are a tad unexceptional here, Liege Lord at least have overdramatic vocals and unexpectedly put the 'mental' in 'instrumental too.
 
Marius brings cheese to a whole new level once again, against the middling odds of Assedium's potato-recorded cheese.

Liege Lord is cheesier and sillier, and once again the competitor has a potato-recording. Why does the Seven Kingdoms song sound like the drums have been put through a Dimebag Darrell distortion pedal?
 
I actually quite liked Assedium's offering, a little slow paced but methodical and fun. It was cheesy in that overly serious way. But once again, Marius just seems to understand what cheese is. There are other contenders out there, but Marius seems to be the favourite for a damned good reason. This song reminds me of the glory days of Hammerfall.

I think this was the best Seven Kingdoms song yet, that breaks through their gimmick a little bit and showcases them as a real band. I did not even slow down for Liege Lord.
 
I didn’t care for either but Marius is cheesier I guess.

I’m torn for the second round. Seven Kingdoms isn’t the best band but that was some of the most beautiful vocals I’ve ever heard. Meanwhile, LL has an amazing, awesome banger of a song. I think I’ll go with Liege Lord, but it could’ve gone either way.
 
VOLUME I, Chapter 37: POWERFUL BATTALION BATTLE 5: Metal Law vs Dream Tale

Metal Law - Heavy Metal is Forever
Heavy metal may be forever, by Metal Law don't seem to be. Despite ticking all the CHEESEVIVÖR boxes, they have failed to impress this far in their performance. And if the previous songs (Lawbreaker and Heavy Metal is the Law) didn't cut it, then this one probably won't either. As a side note, if this song makes you think, "this sounds familiar, I've heard this before", then that's a nice description of Metal Law's discography.

Dreamtale - Where the Rainbow Ends
From the Youtube comments on this section: "Ponies. There are ponies where the rainbow ends" Maybe there is hope in the end.

Hampel-89008001.jpg


VOLUME I, Chapter 38: POWERFUL BATTALION BATTLE 6: Final Chapter vs Stormwitch

Final Chapter - Legions of the Sun
Another slice of the brand "vocal layer overload and lyrics that make no fucking sense". This is a cheese shop, after all!

Stormwitch - Russia's on Fire
I've emphasised time and again that these guys are forgotten heroes, and I mean it. There is very much to love in obscure 80's metal if you are inclined to look. Stormwitch would probably never have made it big, because their musical talent fell short of their ambitions, but that is the story of many other bands that are much worse.
 
Are you absolutely sure that particular Metal Law song hasn't already been in the game? I'm voting for it anyway, I'm sick of rainbow unicorn metal.

Going for Stormwitch in the second pair. Sounds like Sabaton with the tape playing very slow.
 
Both of the vocalists in the first battle are absolutely terrible, but I'm going with Metal Law for the same reason as Brigs.
Brigantium said:
Going for Stormwitch in the second pair. Sounds like Sabaton with the tape playing very slow.
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It honestly just sounds like Rise of Evil with the occasional Geoff Tate impression. Voting for Stormwitch all day. Musically, it actually veers towards quality cheese.
 
Dream Tale - mostly by default; low-fi Prowler ripoffs just aren't going to cut it, Metal Law

Final Chapter - Dragonforce-esque it may be, but fast double bass drums + synths = good cheese
 
Dream Tale...they just sound so delightfully terrible.

I also am voting for Final Chapter, but I feel quite torn.
 
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