CHEESEVIVÖR: The Book of Metal: ALL HAIL VICTORIUS!

THE LAST BATTLE

  • Total voters
    9
  • Poll closed .
Volume I, Chapter 21: GLORIOUS BATTALION BATTLE 3: Assedium vs Liege Lord

Assedium - Primal Rage
With this one, Assedium certainly up the wtf factor of their lyrics a notch. I'm not even entirely sure what this song is about, but it has SOMETHING to do with dinosaurs in an age of bleeding volcanoes. Although I'm not sure I really understand what Saurian dictators are...

Liege Lord - Rage of Angels
Liege Lord's level of cheese is perhaps not as outrageous as those of others here, but I like to think of them as a boxer winning by points rather than knockout. They are certainly enduring and cheesy enough if you just listen to them for a long time.

united-cutlery-valermos-sword-of-fire-ships-free-7.jpg


Volume I, Chapter 22: GLORIOUS BATTALION BATTLE 4: Marius Danielsen vs Seven Kingdoms

Marius Danielsen - Prophecy of the Warrior King
Do yourself a favour and return to the previous song of this God of Cheese (The Battle of Bargor-Zun), and then put this on straight afterwards, and tell me you can't vote for this song after two seconds. I stand by my opinion, this album is a masterpiece, I have never listened to anything quite like it.

Seven Kingdoms - After the Fall
A song about my least favourite subplot from Game of Thrones, by a below-average band, what else can I say...
 
Assedium have out-Quest-for-Fired Quest for Fire. Fairly standard metal with a decent instrumental, but the lyrics/subject pass the cheese test. Liege Lord's biggest issue, for me, is production. If that didn't sound so cheap they'd be a fairly standard metal band too. Cheesecore rather than Cheese.

Marius Danielsen got it within the first few seconds, and successfully built on that throughout the song. Much cheese. **wow** Seven Kingdoms' effort sounds like a metal band fronted by a pop singer. Inoffensive, but can't compete with the Mighty Marius.
 
The Danielsen vocalist sounds like a Tim Owens imitator. A very good one. Actually, if someone would tell me he is Owens, I'd instantly believe it.

In the first pair I will go for Liege Lord. Much cooler (and better) solos. Also: less annoying vocalist.
 
The first matchup is tough. Liege Lord is a solid cheese outing, but Assedium has higher peaks. I think I have to give it to Assedium by a hair.

Marius. My god. Now Seven Kingdoms is fine, but Marius...yes.
 
First round is tough, but Liege Lord I guess. They seem stronger. Second round, I'm surprised by Marius Danielson. It's a cool if flawed song, and I'm glad it was paired up with utter shit so I wouldn't have to vote against it. Okay, "utter shit" is hyperbole, but I don't watch Game of Thrones and I think I could probably write a better song about it. (I do think the vocalist is good, though. She's got talent.)
 
Regarding Assedium, who easily get my vote due to Liege Lord's poor musical quality, could that song potentially about this video game from the 90s?

Primal_Rage_flyer.jpg


Second match, definitely voting for Marius. My God, what cheese.

Forostar said:
The Danielsen vocalist sounds like a Tim Owens imitator. A very good one. Actually, if someone would tell me he is Owens, I'd instantly believe it.
Click to expand...

That's exactly what I thought! Sounds like Tim Owens if he were to be cast as the Prince of Faerieland in a community theater production.
 
Last edited:
I was just listening to Megadeth's Dystopia and honestly "The Emperor" would fit right in here. :D

 
Volume I, Chapter 23: POWERFUL BATTALION BATTLE 3: Metal Law vs Stormwitch

Metal Law - Heavy Metal is Forever
Another song in which the lyrics get dangerously close to making sense, but fortunately fail eventually. I expected Metal Law to do better in the last round, but listening to this track, which is by far their most popular by all accounts, I'm not sure I do want them to.

Stormwitch - War of the Wizards
I believe this band was unfairly forgotten. They pioneered all Cheese Metal trademarks long before anybody in the Mediterranean area decided to sing about dragons, and before stories of wizards reached the metal shores of South America. Back in the day, this was entirely the domain of Central Europe and North America.

MDL_FAN_S205.jpg


Volume I, Chapter 24: POWERFUL BATTALION BATTLE 4: Dreamtale vs Final Chapter

Dreamtale - Dreality
Talk about a clever neologism. Somebody on YouTube unravelled it and came to the conclusion that the title, get ready for this, is a combination of the words "dream" and "reality". I'm truly flabbergastered. These guys have mastered the English language, no doubt.

Final Chapter - Sail Away
I wonder how many of you are actually playing Cheese Bingo here... "Like an eagle flies high in the sky we should to be free not bound by lies" anyone?
 
Last edited:
Metal Law really, really want to be Priest here, I suspect. Opening line is magic, chorus outnaffs that, extra points for excessive use of the word 'metal'. Some nifty bits of guitar, plus some oddly discordant bits that are distinctly Janicky.

It's tough competition with Stormwitch, though. Overepic intro followed by...is that meant to be a fucking rap????? That's just bad. At least Metal Law were fun to listen to.

Dreality is pretty naff. It struck me that if you gave this a female vocalist, though, this would be a bog standard female fronted metal song.

Final Chapter are much more cheese-by-numbers. I would have loved this as an eight year old. Getting the vote.
 
Metal Law does remind me of a budget Judas Priest, but that's where their cheese comes in. They understand what they are, and they understand that they are not all that good. This is kind of like the path where Manowar starts, but they never get there either. The intro to this Stormwitch song is amazing, is that a recorder?! Wow. And this lyrical segment in the main song is so weird, it does sound kind of like rapping, but it's far too odd for it - chorus is much better though. I lean towards Stormwitch.

Dreamtale's album is called Seventhian. That's not even a thing. Meanwhile, Final Chapter's album is called Legions of the Sun but pictures a sailing ship. Both are ludicrous, thus we go to the music. Dreality is such a silly thing, apparently Dreamtale either doesn't know English well or they just make up words. Music is pretty silly, this feels like an average song (but I can imagine a Cheeselörd like Marius making something super here) of the cheese variety. The intro for Sail Away is grand, kinda collapses once we get to the proper song. I can't help but feel like this is some sort of secret recipe cheese made by monks in an ancient facility. The core is good, but it needs some better production values. Dreamtale.

As an aside, I feel like the "Total Votes" category should be named something like "Warriors Rallied".
 
Metal Law is nothing more than wasted potential. They don't sound too bad on paper music-wise, but listening to them is a chore. Stormwitch, however, hooked me right at the beginning, and I like the fact they did something different in the verses. They also know when to end a song. Stormwitch.

I started listening to Dreamtale and was kinda confused, till it hit me... this song would be perfect as an anime opener! In fact I already have some ideas on how an actual "Dreality" anime would go. Final Chapter has a melody that's nice and almost makes me nostalgic, they just kinda butcher that feeling with how the song goes on. Dreamtale... now that's some fucking cheese!
 
Voted for Metal Law and Final Chapter because, musically at least, I find both to be vastly superior to their opponents here.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top