A matter of Identity: how do you see yourself?

I'm English, with Welsh and Irish ancestry. I'm a child of the Midlands, although I have lived in Southampton for 21 years now. I was born in Surrey but grew up in Gainsborough, Lincolnshire, and although I was not born there I will always consider it my hometown.

I identify as Christian, but not as religious. I think if I were religious my life would be better, because I would be a lot more organised. But for whatever reason, God did not make me to be religious: he made me to be chaotic ... :confused:

There are two things I've wanted to do all my life: archery and playing guitar, and I'm happy to say I've had the chance to do both. But even before I had these chances, the fact I wanted to do those two things was an important part of my sense of myself ("One day I'm going to be a guitarist!" "One day I'm going to be an archer!")

When I first listened to Maiden in 2010 it really felt like I'd opened the door on another world - it was like my entire life had been preparing me to be a Maiden fan. (I discovered rock and metal quite late (in my early 20's) - my Mum, in what she genuinely considered to be my best interests, having concealed its existence from me for as long as possible. She had a lot of trouble accepting that, left to myself, I had failed to come to the same conclusions as her. But that's another story ...) Maiden has been my most enduring musical fascination: everything else has either waxed and waned or has been of considerably shorter duration. Being a Maiden fan is an important part of my sense of myself, and is probably seen by others as my dominant characteristic. But I also really love folk music, and folk rock/metal, among other things.

David Reimer once said that "you don't wake up every morning and think "I'm a boy" or "I'm a girl", you just know it." I've always known I was a girl and I've never had any problem with the idea, but I've also never felt like it should constrain me to any particular code of dress or behaviour, or range of interests. And I've never seen any need for gender-specific role models: anyone can inspire me and if I want to do something I don't need to see another girl do it first.

I love to go to a Maiden show and go right to the front, in the crush, and get all sweaty and knackered. But I also like the peace and quiet of Weston Shore at night or in the early morning, or a long walk in the countryside. I like anywhere that's old or interesting. I like to be by the sea when it's a bit stormy. I like Batemans ale, Pipers crisps, and cheese with fruitcake.

And I like dressing like an '80s throwback :D
 
Thought-provoking thread Onhell, nice one!

Identity can be quite complex as it's always within the context of your surroundings, which you yourself may not always agree with. I've struggled and continue to struggle with various parts of who I am and I suspect that this will continue for the rest of my life as circumstances, people and places change. Also, I will age as well and this will pave the way for new identities and lead to some others being left by the wayside.

Anyway, I'll try to unpack some of the big ones.

Nationality: Swedish. I'm not a super huge fan of 'countries' and 'nationalities' and especially not borders and how we police them, but for me culture and language are very important so I'd say I identify as Swedish. Primarily because I speak the language, I enjoy the food (with a vegetarian twist), and I understand and appreciate predominant cultural mannerisms (i.e. the importance of personal space, a need to have everything be 'lagom' or a sort of neutral, the 'worship' of nature, and a conviction that all good things end). Personally, national identity has always been juxtaposed with national un-identity, I am technically half-Mexican but have never identified as Mexican. My identifying as Swedish has been fed by my need to distance myself from Mexico. I therefore am more staunchly Swedish than perhaps necessary because I don't want anyone to 'know' that I'm not fully so, especially because, due to my small stature and dark hair, I'm never pegged as Swedish by strangers (or authorities). I've gotten much better about this over the years but I have a lot to work on here.

Size: Small. A weird one to some, but this has been brought up so much during my lifetime that it's just a part of who I am. I am a small human being, especially in western Europe, where I live. Nicknames include: bitesize, bat, bean, small fry, bug. I've been mistaken for a kid as an adult quite a bit, although less and less so as my hair grays (thankfully!). It informs everything that I do, what I wear (I always make sure to check the kid's section, especially for shoes), where I choose to live (i.e. I'll make sure I can reach cupboards, etc.). It was a bit strange and freeing in Japan that one time we went on holiday...I could actually reach the handle bars on the bus! My toes weren't dangling a foot off the ground on public seating! It was...so weird and relaxing to be the size that everything was built for!

Gender: Female but increasingly frustrated with the tendency for constricting binaries. I'm not traditionally 'feminine' and don't want to be, so I lean towards identifying more and more as 'non-binary' because...I feel like I'm on a spectrum there, not entirely one way or the other. Still working this one out.

Sexual orientation: Super gay. Ok, maybe there's no such thing but if there was. I fancy the lady-folk very much and have no interest in men other than as great friends. This was a big struggle for me to figure out growing up and even in my early twenties to come to terms with. Now it's no big deal and I kind of smile reminiscing about coming out (surprising absolutely no one) but it's interesting how even now I'd rather label myself as gay or queer rather than lesbian. It's just such an awkward word.

Relationship status: Wife. Society places a lot of weight on relationship status so even though I hesitate to identify myself as a wife, I very much am,
and I try and own this as much as possible in heteronormative spaces. So, uh, like, most places I guess. I often refer to my wife as my partner though, again cos there's something about the word 'wife' I struggle with. What I do identify with, however, is that I am someone who is attached to another person these days, that I come with a package in a sense.

Religion: Ugh. On the papers I'm Catholic but I like to joke that I'm the worst one ever. I'm gay, I don't believe in god (or, more accurately perhaps, I don't think it matters whether god exists or not and is therefore not worth spending time on), and...I get how religion gives people a sense of belonging but I honestly think it's done more harm than good over the centuries. Demolish the whole thing. Not sure what that makes me. Anti-theist?

Profession: Scientist. I'm currently a PhD student/researcher but I've been pursuing a scientific career for long enough that I'm calling myself this. For a long time I thought what I wanted was to be an academic, do research, publish, rinse and repeat. Now I'm not so sure and think perhaps I could be more 'applied', engage in conservation more directly (I'm an animal ecologist, more specifically I study seabirds). Thinking about and studying wildlife in their natural environment takes up a lot of my waking hours (and sometimes dreams too) so it's becoming a larger part of my identity and one that I feel more and more comfortable with every day. The challenge is to not let it take over my entire life.

Politics: Left, very much so. I also care a lot about the environment so in some circles that'd make me green but often I don't think these parties are realistic when it comes to how to mitigate climate change and don't have strong platforms when it comes to women's rights, queer stuff, racism. They also often try to court a middle-ground when it comes to economic reform and I think the answer is taxes taxes taxes. Tax the wealthy, abolish billionaires (as in, the concept, they should be taxed so heavily they aren't billionaires anymore, why is this so hard?), universal healthcare, legalize abortion, weed, prostitution (not a popular opinion in many 'feminist' circles), unions unions unions. Do we need to dismantle capitalism? Probably. We definitely need to do something about out-of-control consumerism and individualism.

Miscellaneous: Music-lover, nerd, gamer. This one is self-explanatory, these are my prevalent hobbies. Perhaps a few years ago I'd have been more specific and say 'Iron Maiden fan' but nowadays I listen to such a wide range of music (at the expense of Maiden) that this isn't really accurate. In a way it is because it's formed such a large part of my identity in the past and I have many tshirts, flags, mugs, etc. so that if you visited my flat, you'd definitely notice. So perhaps others would call me a metalhead and I'm fine with that (but do tend to point out that almost any music contains nuggets I can appreciate...except country and jazz....yikes). I suppose there's a distinction to be made between boardgamer and videogamer but I enjoy both almost equally so I don't make one. And 'nerd' is just a nod to how pedantic I get about details of something I'm very knowledgeable in, this includes Maiden, anything to do with The Lord of the Rings, some TV shows...
 
I was interviewed by a colleague of mine who is doing his PhD on migrants, specifically on how to reintegrate deported "cholos" (his words), into society. These are individuals who went or were taken as children to the U.S and then for whatever reason (usually crime/gang related) got deported back to Mexico. Like myself he became and accidental Youtuber and decided to expand his channel by talking about migration and "coming back home" in general. We are both pleased with the result and thought I'd share it with you guys. I'm glad I got a hair cut and trimmed my beard, my mom will be proud lol.

 
Onhell said:
I was interviewed by a colleague of mine who is doing his PhD on migrants, specifically on how to reintegrate deported "cholos" (his words), into society. These are individuals who went or were taken as children to the U.S and then for whatever reason (usually crime/gang related) got deported back to Mexico. Like myself he became and accidental Youtuber and decided to expand his channel by talking about migration and "coming back home" in general. We are both pleased with the result and thought I'd share it with you guys. I'm glad I got a hair cut and trimmed my beard, my mom will be proud lol.

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Brother, when did you get so much grey hair?! We're getting old.
 
Jer said:
Cool. Your username makes perfect sense now!
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When I was in.... 2nd grade we got new neighbors who had a couple of kids. Their son and I quickly became good friends. Once in school, he heard another friend of mine saying my name and he pointed out, "The way you say, 'Angel' sounds like 'on hell.' Never became an official nickname, but I do hold it dear to heart.
 
First of all

Onhell said:
"The way you say, 'Angel' sounds like 'on hell.'
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thanks for reminding me what the single most acoustically pleasing language is (I have called it "magnetic", to my teacher - like, when you put two magnets of repelling polarities and they, like, hover, as if they were on the most comfortable invisible pillow ever - that's what I feel in my mouth when speaking it); I should start applying myself again, stop avoiding the lessons at work and finally get somewhere.

Second of all - I have to watch that video ASAP. Fascinating stuff.

Third of all - what a weird thread that appeared in my notifications (apparently I've contributed somehow). I wonder ... should I? Probably not. Will I? Who knows?
Eh, I already have (and completely forgot about it :D I even forgot about it when I was writing this )

You have such off-kilter contributions here (I mean even starting this very thread), you remind me of me, lol. Semel Catholicus – semper Catholicus, or, you can get the homie out of the Church, but you can't get the Church out of the homie. :D
 
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JudasMyGuide said:
You have such off-kilter contributions here (I mean even starting this very thread), you remind me of me, lol. Semel Catholicus – semper Catholicus, or, you can get the homie out of the Church, but you can't get the Church out of the homie. :D
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When I was in the hospital, a priest would come by every day asking people if I they wanted communion. I would say no thanks every time. I think the third or fourth time I told him, "Sorry father, I'm not catholic anymore," and he said, "Once catholic always catholic. You're just 'in remission.' " smiled and walked out.
 
I've worn myself out with questions of identity over the past few years. It turns out constantly observing and analysing myself for too long led to the sort of mental tangles I can't easily explain. I do best with having to answer questions, but those are something best posed in a casual conversation or a text chat and not a forum post. In spite of all that, I do have a few things at the front of my brain:
  • Getting out of high school and into college had an incredible effect on me. For the first time in my life, I was around people who thought similarly to me and liked the things I liked. And I could be around them every day! I started talking more than I ever had in my life, and these days I see myself as someone who can easily communicate with people. I enjoy striking up conversations with strangers and befriending them. I like singing and performing in front of people. My writing's been getting much better, too. I want to be able to share ideas with people and earn their trust and respect through my self, my ideas, and how I communicate them.
  • I also moved countries! I moved from India to the United States, and it's affected the parts of my identity I pay attention to. Growing up in India, I didn't pay much attention to Indian culture and customs: they were the default, after all. Now that I'm in the US, I've been realising where my expectations of the world differ from my friends'. Different languages, different festivals, very different food... people here even listen to "western" music and play video games! And that's normal for here! I really like being able to enjoy the new things here while also understanding what's unique about me being Indian.
  • I've met a lot of queer people in college—queer in the modern sense, not in the classic sense (although some of my friends would certainly qualify for both). And, well... I was fitting right in with them. Surprisingly well, even. Then one day I realised I was a girl. It's been one of the biggest parts of my life over these past few years, and my interests in both meeting trans people and talking about computers have led me to places far more interesting than I ever imagined in high school.
I've been discovering a lot about myself in college! I wanted to talk about it here, but I wasn't sure how. It's taken a late night at the computer to lower my inhibitions enough that I can write something this lengthy. Now that I'm learning more about myself and doing things based on my knowledge, I think I can have a happier, less constrained life than I used to.

It's been a long time since I last was part of this forum, and I hope everyone here's been learning more about themselves and doing better too!
 
Midnight said:
  • Getting out of high school and into college had an incredible effect on me. For the first time in my life, I was around people who thought similarly to me and liked the things I liked. And I could be around them every day! I started talking more than I ever had in my life, and these days I see myself as someone who can easily communicate with people. I enjoy striking up conversations with strangers and befriending them. I like singing and performing in front of people. My writing's been getting much better, too. I want to be able to share ideas with people and earn their trust and respect through my self, my ideas, and how I communicate them.
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That's really good and I'm glad for you - with me and wifey it was the opposite - we were having high hopes that at the uni finally there are going to be intelligent, cultured, well-rounded, wise people and that we'll finally... y'know, fit better, somehow? But in the end it was even worse than secondary school, really. I suppose there's a joke to be made about law schools, but I have never yet seen environment so full of uncultured, ignoble, dull and overall dumb people like I've met there. It was a worthwile experience, though (despite it being one of the things that made me/us very cynical) and it's certainly worthwile to stand your own ground and be different if you need to be, it also helped with us not expecting too much from people and the world, but it was a rather dreary experience nonetheless.

Considering the fact I've been working at a university myself these past few years, I've lost all my illusions regarding the academia altogether :D
 
JudasMyGuide said:
That's really good and I'm glad for you - with me and wifey it was the opposite - we were having high hopes that at the uni finally there are going to be intelligent, cultured, well-rounded, wise people and that we'll finally... y'know, fit better, somehow? But in the end it was even worse than secondary school, really. I suppose there's a joke to be made about law schools, but I have never yet seen environment so full of uncultured, ignoble, dull and overall dumb people like I've met there. It was a worthwile experience, though (despite it being one of the things that made me/us very cynical) and it's certainly worthwile to stand your own ground and be different if you need to be, it also helped with us not expecting too much from people and the world, but it was a rather dreary experience nonetheless.

Considering the fact I've been working at a university myself these past few years, I've lost all my illusions regarding the academia altogether :D
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I had a similar experience. I thought I'd finally find people to engage with and to an extent I did. The friends I made at the university are people who like to talk, discuss and nerd out about everything and anything. But MOST people couldn't care less. They just wanted to pass their classes and go to the next party. In hindsight, there's nothing inherently bad about that, to each their own, but for me, who had this idealized picture of universities as pinnacles of learning, academia and exchange of ideas... well, that was shattered immediately lol.
 
Onhell said:
I had a similar experience. I thought I'd finally find people to engage with and to an extent I did. The friends I made at the university are people who like to talk, discuss and nerd out about everything and anything. But MOST people couldn't care less. They just wanted to pass their classes and go to the next party. In hindsight, there's nothing inherently bad about that, to each their own, but for me, who had this idealized picture of universities as pinnacles of learning, academia and exchange of ideas... well, that was shattered immediately lol.
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Onhell said:
Nothing wrong with that! People tell me that to this day! see below
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(come on, that post was longer :D )

Actually - a response to both of your posts - I really tried, but the only people I actually love and understand and vibe with and feel genuine companionship are my wife and then ... well... Catholics, after conversion. A friend of mine once said (and he stole the quote from somewhere) that "there is a Catholic way to climb a tree - you move your hands in the same way, you put your feet there in the same way, but you do it in a completely different universe". I wonder if I've ever come across a saying that I'd find more truthful.

In general, I guess you could say (I'm intentionally not quoting Aristotle here) that you can be only friends with people, who are going the same way as you, meaning they value similar things, they share the ... meaning with you. That was certainly not true about law school, lol.
 
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