My very first song lyrics

A

Anonymous

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Here's my first song lyric. It's inspirated by both maiden and Bruce ( I know, some parts of the chorus comes from Paschendale) and I think it's qute good actually. Now i'd like some opinions. Positive things as well as criticism. And plese, please if you feel for some reason you want to delete this topic, please tell me why. I can't see the lyric as offensive or anything. It's just a lyric about evil.

Rock on

The Evils Role In This Cruel World

Verse
The hearts of mankind are filled with a lust for vengeance.
When the hate grows it morphs into pure evil.
The shadow in your heart is rises, you’ll choose between good and dark.
between the hidden truth or the obvious lies!

Chorus

Cruelty has a human heart! The evil surely plays it part!
Is the world light or dark?
Or just evil!

Verse
It’s like a snake. Manipulating.
always growing and twists the mind.
Raping! Taunting!

Chorus
Cruelty has a human heart! The evil surely plays it part!
Is the world light or dark?
Or just evil!

Verse
Lying awake at night just waiting for the evil to strike.
Striking the mind when the defences are down the Evil shall rise once again!
The Plague that’s inside us all will be unleached and the worlds doom shall come!

Chorus
Cruelty has a human heart! The evil surely plays it part!
Is the world light or dark?
Or just evil!

Evil! Evil! EEEEEEVIL!
 
Um..... where are they? I've read the post regarding their removal, so whats offensive about them or stupid about them?

Edit: Hehe, no worries, it's been edited in.

Edit2: Nice, a little short perhaps? Not too bad I've seen a lot worse, usually written by me.
 
Posting an empty topic is not the most clever thing to do if you want it to stay on the board. That doesn't shed a very pleasant light on you either. People will think you're utterly stupid, which you're not... are you? [!--emo&:huh:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/huh.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'huh.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
hehe thank you very much I appriciate it. [!--emo&:)--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/smile.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'smile.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
Well you see I was in the wrong user so I couldn't find it. My computer's a bit wierd you see.
Oh, Maverick, as an answer to your question: When I get stressed or frustrated I might be thinking a bit irrational.
 
[!--QuoteBegin-Pblic enemy nmbr 1+Nov 26 2005, 05:13 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Pblic enemy nmbr 1 @ Nov 26 2005, 05:13 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]When I get stressed or frustrated I might be thinking a bit irrational.
[snapback]124063[/snapback]​
[/quote]Yeah, me too. And on those occasions, my brain might even "switch off" for a second [!--emo&:)--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/smile.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'smile.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
You know, i'd like an opinion too [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
Sorry, I was being irrational [!--emo&:p--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]

Well, considering your age and a possible admiration for the lyrics of "Paschendale", it's not too bad. Your lyrics might get even better as you get older and write about something that has personally touched you. That way, instead of some of the universal phrases, you'll use real words with real meanings.
 
[!--QuoteBegin-charlotte+Nov 26 2005, 04:07 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(charlotte @ Nov 26 2005, 04:07 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]

Well, considering your age and a possible admiration for the lyrics of "Paschendale",
[/quote]

Yeah, it was Paschendale that made me discover maiden
 
nice lyrics i like them [!--emo&:)--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/smile.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'smile.gif\' /][!--endemo--] think the chorus is quite catchy, Dance of Death and no more lies got me into maiden, and its all been breat from there on [!--emo&:rock:--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/headbang.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'headbang.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
Usually, lyrics have some semblance of rhythm and rhyme. Your lyrics look more like poetry (specificallly free verse). I don't see any musicality in your lyrics. The lines aren't the same length in the verses, suggesting irregular melodies and rhythms. Remember, lyrics are part of a complete song. You can't write lyrics without some consideration for the music (it appears you had no such consideration here).

This doens't mean you have to write the music with the lyrics. It just means you should use similar rhythmic structures within your lyrics. For example, I wrote these lyrics with no music. You can see how they suggest rhythms which, in turn, helped write the music.

"Shadow On The Wind", lyrics by SinisterMinisterX
[a href=\'http://www.sinisterministerx.net/supergenius/ShadowOnTheWind_04Aug04.mp3\' target=\'_blank\']Click here to get the mp3[/a]

Time and wonder, mystically inclined
Growing thunder, magically defined
Going under, caught up and entwined
Walking on the side of the road
Feel it coming, distant memories
Feel like running, dire epiphanies
Hear the drumming, hint of melodies
Standing on the edge of the world

I wanna fly like a bird on the run
Taking cover from the storm bearing down
I wanna fly like a shot from a gun
Tearing up the sky, ripping the ground

Dark and brooding, shadow on the wind
Always moving, ever on the mend
Never choosing, always in suspense
Screaming at the sun in the sky
Head is shaking, heart is on a wheel
Anger breaking, fearing what is real
Bracing, making my will as hard as steel
Sweating as the minutes tick by

I wanna fly like a bird on the run
Taking cover from the storm bearing down
I wanna fly like a shot from a gun
Tearing up the sky, ripping the ground

I can feel the air change
As the time of indecision slowly drips away
Can't ya see it ain't so strange
When the pages are torn out and fear is stripped away

Danger falling, pouring like a flood
Stranger calling, hiding in my blood
Fighting, brawling deep down in the mud
Raging like a tide on the rise
Storm releasing, time in disarray
Lightning feasting on the aging day
Subtle feeling, carry me away
Burning like the fire in my eyes

I wanna fly like a bird on the run
Taking cover from the storm bearing down
I wanna fly like a shot from a gun
Tearing up the sky, ripping the ground
 
My above criticism is intended as constructive criticism. The content of your lyrics is good, but your writing style needs work. Allow me to suggest an exercise which will improve your lyric-writing abilities:

Start with one line of lyrics (try a line that someone else gives you) and build a song from there.

Example: my drummer suggested writing a song about a guy who's wrecking his life by abusing drugs and alcohol. He knew I could write well on this subject, since I myself am a reformed alcoholic/drug addict. He specified that the song should be in a triple meter (each beat divided into three parts) and provided a line which was the protagonist's rationale for his self-destruction:

"I try to live my life with a little less pain."

First, I analyzed the implied rhythm of the given line and found a triplet rhythm:

Code: 
br /]3   *1*   2   3   *2*   2    3   *3*   2    3   *4*   2    3   *1*
I    try      to   live      my   life with a    lit  tle  less pain

Now that I had a rhythmic structure to work with, I expanded on the subject within the same structure and wrote a whole chorus:

Code: 
br /]2    3   *1*   2   3   *2*   2    3   *3*   2    3   *4*   2    3   *1*
          Do        the  things    I    do   just to   try  and  main-tain
          Take      the  things    I    take just to   han- dle  the  strain
          Wear      the  face      I    wear just to   cov- er   the  stain
As   I   try       to   live      my   life with a    lit- tle  less pain

Note that the natural accents of the words fall on accented beats. This will help the lyric to "sing well" and sound natural.

If you start with a key line and build from there with atttention paid to rhythm and accents, your lyrics will greatly improve.
 
While SMX's proposals are very good, you don't need such a mathematical approach. It really depends on the type of person you are, though. SMX is obviously someone who learns things theoretically, by trying to understand what kind of rules and structures lie behind them. I am of the breed that I just do things and see how they work- I do learn rules this way, but it takes a bit longer and makes me incapable of explaining them. If someone like SMX's drummer went to me and told me to write something in a triple metre, he would probably be looking into a face with two blank eyes and a big question mark. However, I love writing lyrics, so I just do it, and learn things the (for other people) hard way.

One alternate excercise you could do is simply writing new lyrics for pre-existing songs. Try to sing them along with the songs and you'll see what you have to work on. For example, this is a new verse I wrote for No More Lies a couple of months ago out of sheer boredom:

Still I know my time is over
There is no escaping now
All the dark clouds they won't disappear
I'm taking chances for the time
It's ending now
So much undone
I have to pass my deeds from me
Could it be
They're after me
Will I live on in other minds?

Originally, There is in the second line was to be the contraction There's; it turned out, however, that this was out of tact, so I wrote it out, and now it fits perfectly. Likewise, the second last line was originally They'll come after me, which would have sounded terrible if sung, so I shortened it. This made for a nice variation of the intended statement which gives another possible meaning to it.

Lessons learned:
-Contractions play a huge role in writing lyrics.
-You sometimes simply have to shorten statements to make the lyrics fit the rythm.

Now, I will allow you to analyze some lyrics I wrote in a sleepless night this week.

I stand alone and watch the rain
My mind is numb I feel no pain
A grain of sand is in my eye
I cannot help but wonder why
Everything is over now
I have to find my way somehow
A bird is singing over me
Is this all there’s left to be?

I clinch my hands to carry on
Each day another hero’s born
To save the world from tragedy
To form a new society
But nothing stops the wind to blow
It’s just another path we go
Grain of sand is falling down
Is the hourglass just counting down?

Alone I stand
Alone I walk
My fears within me
Alone in the dark
Can’t hear me cry
Can’t hear me breathe
My thoughts are mine
Alone in the dark

I sit around let my time flow
The time is closing in to go
All the years that lie ahead
Will lie behind me when I’m dead
It is time to take a breath
I have no-one to share it with
I’m born alone I’ll die alone
Living my life on my own

Alone I stand
Alone I walk
My fears within me
Alone in the dark
Can’t hear me cry
Can’t hear me breathe
My thoughts are mine
Alone in the dark
 
Thank you very much for the constructive criticism as well as the positive opinions.
Perun, unfortunaly, I don't have so much time to analyze your lyrics right now, becouse of all the schoolwork. But during the schoolbreak which will begin soon, I will analyze them.
 
[!--QuoteBegin-Perun+Dec 3 2005, 06:14 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Perun @ Dec 3 2005, 06:14 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]Now, I will allow you to analyze some lyrics I wrote in a sleepless night this week.
[snapback]124524[/snapback]​
[/quote]
Very well. Let the confusioning beginulate!* (My changes are in red.)

The first verse and most of the second are quite good. You've written in strict iambic tetrameter. The first issue I see is at the end of the second verse:

[!--QuoteBegin-Perun+Dec 3 2005, 06:14 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Perun @ Dec 3 2005, 06:14 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]Grain of sand is falling down
Is the hourglass just counting down?
[snapback]124524[/snapback]​
[/quote]
Using the same word ("down") to rhyme with itself is, in my opinion, distasteful. Furthermore, the last line makes no sense. The counting down of an hourglass is implied in the previous line; no need to belabor the obvious. Besides, what would you expect an hourglass to do - count up? So let's look for an improvement.

The most interesting image in the lyrics up to this point has been the bird mentioned at the end of the first verse; an image of freedom, juxtaposed against how the protagonist is confined by his fears. Let's get another reference to that bird in there, and let's put it in the same place (the seventh line of the verse).

[span style=\'color:red\']A bird is singing carefree sounds
As grains of sand are falling down[/span]

The chorus has some good ideas but needs work.
Alone I stand, Alone I walk.
Well, which is it? Are you standing or walking? [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
Can't hear me cry.
Ugh. It's one thing to write about fear, but crying? Be a man already. [!--emo&:p--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
Can't hear me breathe.
Of course not. If you're alone in the dark, no one's there to hear you.
Besides, another reference to hearing? That can be improved.

Also, you've already got 8-line verses. Change it up for the chorus!

[span style=\'color:red\']In time of need
In dark I walk
My fears rise within me
Can't feel me breathe
Won't hear me talk
My thoughts will betray me
Alone in the dark[/span]

I feel this is much better for several reasons. More rhyme, better rhythm. Also, the key words "alone" and "dark" are delayed until the final line, which can be emphasized within the song by using the music to build tension to that point.

I'm not going to tackle the third verse now; I'll just say that I don't think it's as good as the first two, and needs major work.

My overall impression of Perun's lyric is as follows: Good, though it has a tendency towards redundancy. However, the core ideas give a good starting point for a fine set of lyrics.

The changes I proposed above were just off the top of my head. If I were to seriously work on improving this lyric, I'd focus on the idea of "trapped by fear" versus the image of the free bird. I'd also get the protagonist more active as the song goes on: a progression of sittting, standing, walking, running. Maybe a reference to flying at the end as the protagonist tries to be free like the bird.

[span style=\'font-size:8pt;line-height:100%\']* Don't ask. Perun will understand. No one else will.[/span]
 
I knewed you'd confusionate me [!--emo&:p--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]

[!--QuoteBegin-SinisterMinisterX+Dec 14 2005, 10:39 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(SinisterMinisterX @ Dec 14 2005, 10:39 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--] The first issue I see is at the end of the second verse:
Using the same word ("down") to rhyme with itself is, in my opinion, distasteful. Furthermore, the last line makes no sense. The counting down of an hourglass is implied in the previous line; no need to belabor the obvious. Besides, what would you expect an hourglass to do - count up? So let's look for an improvement.[/quote]

I am myself not entirely happy with the down-down rhyme, and I am still looking for a good alternative. However, I must tell you that both lines mean something different. The grain of sand that is falling down is more of a reference to the grain of sand in the eye mentioned in verse one. It does mend with the hourglass metaphor, but in a different way than you suspected. I'm giving you the chance to look into that matter again.

[!--QuoteBegin--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]The most interesting image in the lyrics up to this point has been the bird mentioned at the end of the first verse; an image of freedom, juxtaposed against how the protagonist is confined by his fears. Let's get another reference to that bird in there, and let's put it in the same place (the seventh line of the verse).

[span style=\'color:red\']A bird is singing carefree sounds
As grains of sand are falling down[/span]
[/quote]

Your suggestion for an alternate lyric shows one big problem of written lyrics. Writing them down does not automatically expose how they are supposed to be sung. In fact, the last four lines of a verse are supposed to be sung differently from the first four, and in this way, these two lines don't fit in. Well, you can sing it the way I intended to, but it doesn't sound very good.


[!--QuoteBegin--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]The chorus has some good ideas but needs work.
Alone I stand, Alone I walk.
Well, which is it? Are you standing or walking? [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--] [/quote]

Both, obviously [!--emo&:p--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--] This is meant to be an image of being alone in general.

[!--QuoteBegin--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]Can't hear me cry.
Ugh. It's one thing to write about fear, but crying? Be a man already. [!--emo&:p--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--] [/quote]

You can't hear me cry because I am not crying. The protagonist is bare of all emotions.

[!--QuoteBegin--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]Can't hear me breathe.
Of course not. If you're alone in the dark, no one's there to hear you.
Besides, another reference to hearing? That can be improved.[/quote]

The line was supposed to go comfortably with the one before, as the two previous ones did. The fact that nobody can hear me is supposed to strengthen the image of being alone.

[!--QuoteBegin--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]Also, you've already got 8-line verses. Change it up for the chorus![/quote]

Why? The chorus is intended to sound very different from the verses, and fact is you could join the lines "Alone I stand, alone I walk" into one, as well as the "Can't hear me cry, can't hear me breathe" ones, since they don't rhyme.

I have recorded these lyrics as I intended them to be sung just in case. I will not upload them here because I don't want to torture you with my singing skills, and, quite frankly, because I want to spare myself the embarassment. However, if you want to go further with this discussion, I can submit to you the audio file.
 
[!--QuoteBegin-Perun+Dec 14 2005, 04:14 PM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(Perun @ Dec 14 2005, 04:14 PM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]The grain of sand that is falling down is more of a reference to the grain of sand in the eye mentioned in verse one. It does mend with the hourglass metaphor, but in a different way than you suspected. I'm giving you the chance to look into that matter again.
[snapback]125071[/snapback]​
[/quote]
I considered that possibility when I wrote my post, and found it to be unconvincing. [!--emo&:D--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/biggrin.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'biggrin.gif\' /][!--endemo--]

As for all the rest: if you have some musical ideas behind your lyrics, then maybe your lyrics will work. Maybe. [!--emo&:p--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
I guess there will be no use in analysing your lyrics, when it obviously already been done. But right now, i'm writing a bunch of new lyrics, and i'll have all of your suggestions in mind.
 
[!--QuoteBegin-SinisterMinisterX+Dec 15 2005, 02:19 AM--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE(SinisterMinisterX @ Dec 15 2005, 02:19 AM)[/div][div class=\'quotemain\'][!--QuoteEBegin--]As for all the rest: if you have some musical ideas behind your lyrics, then maybe your lyrics will work. Maybe. [!--emo&:p--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/tongue.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'tongue.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
[snapback]125100[/snapback]​
[/quote]

I take that as the closest thing to a surrender of yours [!--emo&;)--][img src=\'style_emoticons/[#EMO_DIR#]/wink.gif\' border=\'0\' style=\'vertical-align:middle\' alt=\'wink.gif\' /][!--endemo--]
 
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